| Subject: Priority Mail 338 |
Author:
Nikita507
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Date Posted: Wednesday, November 16, 08:39:43pm
In reply to:
Nikita507
's message, "Priority Mail 338+" on Wednesday, November 16, 08:38:27pm
Nikita twisted her hands around a rubber band as she stared at the wall. She wanted her mind to stop but then she couldn’t get it to stop. The pain was radiating throughout her body and there was nothing that she could do about this agony.
She had to learn to live with this.
She needed to do something to distract her from what was going on. Michael being able to be April’s father.
Nikita kept on trying to tell herself a stepmother could be loved as a mother could too.
“Winifred Whitwirth,” Michael spoke as he stood at the door, looking at Nikita. Nikita turned with confusion on her face. “What? Why aren’t you at the station yet?”
“Your grandmother,” Michael declared and Nikita shook her head. “This has nothing to do with her.”
“It does,” Michael announced as he stood there firmly. “And I understand all the logical reasons about going and claiming April by myself. But this isn’t about logic. You taught me that there were times that logic didn’t matter… that you had to think with your heart and emotions… our daughter deserves us to think about her with our hearts and emotions… and the reason why you want me to claim her goes back to a bad decision I let you make about Winifred Whitwirth.”
Nikita stood up as she crossed her arms to glare at him. “This has nothing to do with her.”
“I should have made you see her. And that’s what we are going to do.”
“No,” Nikita declared with a shake of her head. “You are going to go and claim April, now. Today.”
“That’s not going to happen,” Michael shook his head from side to side as he kept his voice even and on the same level, afraid of what would happen if he raised it right now. He needed to be firm and he needed Nikita to listen to him. “What we will do is drive to that retirement community so you can meet your grandmother.”
“The two things have nothing to do with each other,” Nikita announced with a stronger voice as her eyes were turning almost black. Michael tilted his head and Nikita huffed. “This isn’t a game, Michael.”
“I didn’t think we were playing a game,” Michael retorted and Nikita rolled her head to the side and walked to the window. “This isn’t easy for me, Michael. But it is what is right.”
“It’s right not to meet your grandmother because she may not remember Roberta? That it might be difficult to deal with the fact that she has Alzheimer's so it’s better to run from it?” Michael challenged as he walked into the room and closed the door, happy to be able to keep Nikita contained right now.
Run was very much her MO these days.
“I am not running from it. It makes no sense to make her confused… when she might not even know about me,” Nikita hissed and Michael tilted his head to the side. “Shouldn’t that be up to her to figure out? The two things are very similar… you are trying to spare Winifred from pain by taking it on all yourself… you know that she is alive… you have a grandmother… and you care more about her… than yourself.”
“Michael,” Nikita turned around and pushed his hands away as he attempted to touch her shoulders. “You are wasting time on this. April is what matters.”
“And I know what is best for April is for you to be her mother… not her step mother.”
“It’s just a term, Michael.”
“It isn’t just a term,” Michael shook his head as he swallowed hard. “It is a brand that you can’t live with.”
“Parents will do lots of things that are hard for themselves because that is what is right for their child.”
“That’s unrealistic, Kita,” Michael shook his head as he softly whispered his response as Nikita’s voice had gotten to the point of screaming. “And you can’t try to do everything for April that you wish that Roberta would have done for you…”
“This has absolutely nothing to do with her, Michael!” Nikita shouted as she pushed at Michael and was about to the door when Michael wrapped his arms around her waist. He groaned as Nikita pulled at him. “This is stupid, Michael. Go claim April.”
“We are going to find another way.”
“There is no other way!” Nikita shouted as she dropped her body trying to break free from Michael’s grasp, but he had anticipated her move. He grunted with the effort to hold onto her. “I know you, Kita… you want to tell her that you are her mother… and we will find a way…”
“THERE IS NO OTHER WAY!” Nikita hollered now as she pushed at Michael and momentarily got some freedom until Michael wrapped her up again his arms and moved her further away from the door. He pushed her against the wall and trapped her there. “Kita…”
“Stop!” Nikita thrashed against Michael even as he tried to sooth his hand against her cheek. Michael was sure that she didn’t know that she was crying as hard as she was. He hated to see the tears that were all over her face. He had blindsided her with talking about Winifred, but he had to start somewhere and he felt sick that he went where he had.
But he had to do something.
“I’m not going to stop because I love you, Kita… and I have to stop you right now by telling you that you don’t have control of this situation… that you aren’t in charge… and I’m not going to listen to your plans…” Michael spoke in a low voice as Nikita pushed at him, but he could feel how weak she truly was. She hadn’t been eating and she had been getting sick so often. Ellie was right to be scared for Nikita’s health.
He should have done this sooner.
“You don’t want me to go forward and be April’s father with you… that’s why you are always throwing up. It’s your body telling you that you can’t live with this secret inside of you…” Michael slowly spoke as he blinked back tears. “And I’m telling you that I’m not going to let that secret stay within you.”
“You are going to ruin everything!” Nikita wailed as she slammed her head back against the wall violently. “Why can’t you listen to me?”
“Because you haven’t been listening to me,” Michael replied back in that same voice as he struggled not to raise it. Nikita always had gotten an emotional reaction from him and he had to be in control here. In ways he saw a lot of the Nikita Wirth that he had met in Section when she first met him. It was scary to see those hints again. But he needed to do this.
“Damn you! I hate you! You want to ruin everything!” Nikita shouted as she started to kick her feet against Michael’s legs but she wasn’t making any headway and she was starting to gasp and fade in his embrace against the wall. “I don’t want to do anything… I want this all to be over and I just want my daughter… and to be a family… a family that I never thought I would have and I don’t want to go through the dirty stuff… because I’ve had enough of it, Michael… I can’t live through more of it… I don’t have it in me to do this your way… I can’t… I’m not strong enough to live through this more… I can’t… I can’t…”
Michael felt her body limply in his arms. Michael didn’t dare move away from the wall. He had seen Nikita do this before. He couldn’t chance that this was just a ploy right more. “You aren’t doing this by yourself. You aren’t alone with this, Kita.”
“Her mother gave her up!” Nikita pounded her head back against the wall again and Michael could feel the vibration through his body. He reached his hands up and stopped Nikita’s head before she cracked it back again. “Stop, Kita… STOP!”
Nikita opened her eyes and stared at him. “I don’t think I can live through this, Michael.”
Michael flinched. “We are going to get through this together.”
“I’m going to fail her,” Nikita whispered as she tried to pull her head away from Michael’s hands. “She is going to hate me… she hasn’t had a mother because of me…”
“Kita…” Michael whispered as he shook his head from side to side. “She is alive because of you.”
“She can’t learn about all of this… she doesn’t need more pain in her life…” Nikita whispered as she squeezed her eyes shut. “And this is why we shouldn’t be a family… because I’ll just hurt her more…”
Michael shook his head. “This is your mind talking right now, Kita. You need to let your heart tell you what to do.”
“I don’t think it feels anything anymore… you’ve tried to fix it… but it doesn’t have the strength any longer…” Nikita rasped as her legs gave way. Michael stunned with her body’s reaction sunk to the ground with Nikita. He started to wipe at the tears. “I have enough strength to get us through this.”
“You had a family,” Nikita hauntedly whispered as she looked at him. “I was in the system… I know how it feels to be abandoned… and I wasn’t without Roberta for long… but she wasn’t there for me… and I knew that… no matter what happened in those good times… I never trusted that Roberta wanted me like she claimed in those good times… and April will always have that doubt… it will never go away…”
“She has the best parts of us, Kita… and I know that we can give her more love to let her know that it is ok to know that we are going to be there for her…” Michael whispered and Nikita hung her head to the side. “You just have to do this, Michael… I can’t… I can’t…”
Michael sat there for a long time, but Nikita just chanted those last two words over and over again.
And now he was almost as long as he was sitting out on that porch – but now he feared that he had somehow made it worse.
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