| Subject: Priority Mail 319 |
Author:
Nikita507
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Date Posted: Monday, October 03, 07:49:27pm
In reply to:
Nikita507
's message, "Priority Mail 318+" on Sunday, October 02, 11:25:56pm
The door was not closed all the way, but yet Michael lifted his knuckles to the wood to lightly knock before opening it more. Then as he saw her face, the words that he was going to say just got whisked away from his mouth. He looked at the bags underneath her blue eyes and he could swear that she had shrunk.
Nikita had spent time with Michael but with very little talking with him since Lisa disappeared almost a week ago. Now she pushed her blonde hair back as she was on the bed, trying to tell herself to sleep. It was well after midnight and sleep had not happened. But now she was almost sure that she was thankful that she was still awake.
Maybe.
“Can I come in?” Michael asked finally as he blinked his eyes, worried that she would turn him away. Nikita shifted as she nodded her head. She moved to give him a broad spot in the bed and it was clear that she did not want him right beside her. Michael turned and pushed the door most of the way closed and sat on the bed, staring at the door like he had found Nikita.
Nikita folded her legs so she could pull her knees towards her. Although she wasn’t sure what this was about, Nikita felt some of the tension that had been innately growing between them abate by Michael sitting down beside her. But she wasn’t sure where to start.
And she was sure that she wasn’t the one that had to start.
“It feels like such a long time since Lisa was missing,” Michael said as he looked at the door, not sure what his point was. He turned his head to look at Nikita. He felt the stab into his heart as he fully realized everything. It was as if he had been in some sort of slumber since he walked into that room and found everyone fighting and that he had finally woken up. “I hurt you.”
Nikita winced as she turned her head away. “It was a hard time, Michael.”
“I can’t have you hiding the truth,” Michael rasped as he shook his head and turned it away to not look at Nikita. “I’m not sure how I went so wrong. I walked into that room… and I had to take control because it was out of control.”
Nikita turned her head to look at Michael’s profile. She swallowed against her churning stomach and tried to take a deep breath to calm down. She knew that her words would mean something but Michael could take it in a way that she did not mean. But she had no other way to express herself and she had to say it. “It was like you suddenly were back in Section. Directing things. Ordering things… forgetting me.”
Michael dropped his chin as he absorbed the words. Now that Nikita had said it, he could wrap his head around it. Things were becoming clear and he turned to look at her, unable to speak.
“I shouldn’t have had to tell you that,” Nikita rasped as she shook her head slightly and turned her face away from him. She felt the anger that was simmering inside of her bubbling, but she didn’t have the strength and energy to be mean about it. She swallowed and rubbed her hands along her sore calves. “You then picked Laura to tell you what was going on. You by-passed me… the woman you are to marry… the woman you say that you love and trust… and you pick someone that you barely know.”
Michael thought about the words and looked up towards the ceiling and then to Nikita’s trembling body. Lies would do her no good right now. “I walked into an impossible situation. I assessed it by taking control because the adults were not in control.”
Michael paused and shook his head slightly. “You were emotionally upset with everyone. Davenport was intertwined. Adam was in the middle of it. If I walked into the same situation again, Kita… I’d still pick Laura to tell me what was going on.”
Michael knew that he would see the anger in her vivid blue eyes as she whirled around to glare at him. He deserved that. “But I would do other things differently… I would then ask for you to be with me… to work with me… I wouldn’t send you away… I would know that it was a complicated situation that I made seem way too simple in the heat of the moment.”
The heat and intensity faded from Nikita’s eyes quickly. He saw the liquid growing that had been there behind the surface all week. He didn’t know how he could have missed it before now, but it was there. “I’ll never change my mind… you should pick me… each and every time.”
“We’ll have to agree to disagree, Kita,” Michael summed up with a slight shake of his head. He reached and touched her cheek with his index finger, tentatively touching her to see what she would do. She didn’t push away and Michael moved more of his hand against her cheek. “None of this changes how much I love you, Kita.”
“I never doubted that,” Nikita spoke with a rasp in her voice as she turned away to wipe her own tears. She exhaled and rolled her shoulders back. “But you should have come to me a long time ago, Michael.”
Michael bowed his head in shame. He didn’t understand why it took so long to get here. Why he didn’t do this before he left with Laura and Adam. There was no rationale behind not taking care of Nikita before going after Lisa. But then he didn’t think that Nikita would have allowed them to take the time to fix what was going on between them before trying to find Lisa. Michael knew that it was an excuse. He was trying not to feel guilty but he knew that he was the problem that happened. “I don’t know what happened to me…”
“You… you blamed me,” Nikita rasped as she turned her head away. “You could see that my direction to keep Adam and Lisa away was the problem… you saw how weak I was in making that decision… how I didn’t think things out… that I didn’t take in consideration how smart Adam was… and how he was going to be just like you, wanting to do what he wanted to do… and you saw how I’m not a mother to him…”
“No,” Michael rasped immediately as he moved closer to Nikita while turning to face her a bit more. “I never thought that.”
“Unconsciously… you were questioning everything about me… being a mother…” Nikita declared as she turned and looked at him. “Nothing you can say right now can make me feel otherwise, Michael. I’ll just have to find a way to help your unconscious learn that I can be a good mother… but that I sometimes will make mistakes.”
“We all make mistakes,” Michael pointed out as he stroked Nikita’s blonde hair back but then pulled away again. “I’m not a perfect father and I agreed with the decision to keep Adam and Lisa apart. We didn’t know they would connect like this… but it still scares me too… that they are too close…”
Michael stopped and cleared his throat. “But this isn’t about them.”
Nikita looked up at Michael and sighed. The tension was quickly vanishing but she wasn’t ready to lean right back to him. “I’m tired, Michael.”
“Have you not been sleeping because…”
“The bed is small,” Nikita stopped Michael as she pushed her legs out and rubbed at the headache that was forming. “And I’m not having flashes… and it’s odd.”
“I hate to admit it, Kita… but I don’t believe it… maybe you are having what you think are dreams…” Michael spoke and Nikita looked up in disgust. She hated when Michael was like this. “You’ll probably never trust when I say that I’m not having flashes… and I wasn’t even having dreams… but I’m admitting to you that I’m surprised that I’m not. That matters.”
Michael took Nikita’s hand and rubbed it before threading his fingers into hers. “You think you should?”
“Lisa sounded so much like me up on that hill… and I carry a lot of guilt about what happened to all of those kids… she knows that not all of them ended up in the best situation… and I know that some died at the hands of Section… at my hands…” Nikita rasped as she shook her head back and forth. “I should be having flashes… but I’m not.”
“But you can’t sleep,” Michael pointed out and Nikita shrugged slightly. “I guess I’ve been punishing myself too… I know that I probably could have slept if I didn’t say in this room…”
Michael didn’t feel that everything was fixed right then, but he moved closer to her. “I don’t know how… we could have stopped this… before we got here…”
Nikita stared at Michael and couldn’t respond. She didn’t have an answer. She shrugged her shoulders and then leaned her head down on Michael’s shoulder, relief soaking all around her body. This felt so right. Her mind felt at ease, but the lingering headache would take time to vanish. But already she felt better. “I needed you to come… I couldn’t have started this… I’ve been waiting for you.”
“Everyone tried to tell me that,” Michael admitted as he leaned his head down against Nikita’s hair. “Adam from the first day… and then everyone… and I was too stubborn to listen to them… and you made it too easy…” Michael explained as he kept that contact with Nikita. “Will you come back to our room tonight?”
Nikita half smiled. They still had work to do, but she wasn’t going to say no. “Will you carry me?”
Michael chuckled as he stood up and reached his arms out to Nikita. Nikita rolled her eyes and stood up on her feet. “I really didn’t mean it…”
“And I’m not going to let you think that I wouldn’t do it,” Michael declared as he scooped Nikita up. He held her and he felt her arms around his neck. It felt so good to have her skin touching his. He missed her so much. For everything that was wrong between them still, they were still right for each other. Michael couldn’t forget that at all.
Although he was tempted, Michael did not kiss her. He instead moved back to their room and settled her on the bed, with plans of finally being able to sleep himself.
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