| Subject: Priority Mail 320 |
Author:
Nikita507
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Date Posted: Wednesday, October 05, 11:40:05pm
In reply to:
Nikita507
's message, "Priority Mail 318+" on Sunday, October 02, 11:25:56pm
She told herself to imagine the blue sky expanding above her face. The sky so deeply blue with just a scattering of white fluffy clouds that would drift in the non-existent breeze. She had to squeeze her eyes shut tighter to imagine it.
There were trees just below that blue sky and she tried to imagine birds singing to block out the other sounds that she wanted to go away. She clenched her hands in the tight dark space, trying to fight the panic by imagine this meadow.
She tried to imagine the feeling of the warm sun against her cheeks and she still felt the tears that rolled down her face.
She wanted to be sitting in some grass that had been kept, but was not freshly mowed. Instead she was sitting with her legs wrapped up close to her chin in the tight closet, hiding from the world that was on the other side of the door.
But no matter how much she tried to imagine that meadow, it was vanished as the door opened. “I told you to get out here and clean this mess up!”
The man grabbed her legs and pulled her. She reached out to try to find something to hold onto, to stay in that closet, where it was safe. But there was nothing and her brittle nails raked against the bare wood as she was pulled out. Once her body was out enough, by the waist she was pulled up and then pushed towards the sink. “You may not be good enough to eat… but you know the fuckin’ rules you stupid girl…”
“Please… stop…” her voice squeaked out but she knew better. She winced before it happened and she was pushed roughly against the metal sink. She was pushed down to almost have her face into the water. “You are old enough to know your place!”
“Kita… Kita…” Michael spoke as he started to call out to her first, afraid that touching her would make it worse. He had noticed about an hour ago that it had seemed as if Nikita had a bad dream, but nothing like this. He could hear her sobbing and she was moving around in the bed. But right now, he knew that it wasn’t his voice alone to stop this.
And he truly didn’t believe that Nikita hadn’t had a PTSD flash in her time alone.
“Kita…” Michael gently spoke as he touched her elbow. She pulled away but her body knew that he wasn’t a threat. Her blue eyes opened up and her eyes recognized him even while her heart continued to race in that panic. “It’s ok, Kita… I’m here…and you are ok…”
Nikita almost closed her eyes again but instead she forced them open as she tried to catch her breath. Michael moved closer and rubbed his hand against her cheek. “I’m here, Kita… and you just need to calm down now… whatever you were thinking… or dreaming… that isn’t happening now… you are safe, Kita.”
It took a long time and finally Nikita was able to reach out for Michael and wrap her arms around him. He rocked with her gently and glanced at the clock. They both needed to get some more sleep. He kissed her forehead. “You are ok, Kita.”
“Michael,” Nikita spoke as she sighed and looked up at Michael. “I’m good now.”
“Ok…” Michael nodded his head up and down as he reached over and turned the light off. “Let me hold you for a while… so you know.”
“I swear, Michael… I didn’t have one… I swear…” Nikita declared and Michael nodded his head but truly didn’t believe it. He just cared that she would go back to sleep now. He was sure that things were going to be fine.
”Who are you?” the small blonde girl asked as Nikita held her hand and walked her into the room. “My name is Nikita… but you shouldn’t talk to anyone about me…”
“Do I have a name?” the girl asked and Nikita pressed her lips together. “How about Lisa?”
“I like that,” the girl replied back with a smile on her face. “It’s been lonely.”
“I want you to have more than this place, Lisa… we need you to know that you can’t talk about this place.”
“It’s bad.”
Nikita nodded her head up and down. “Yes… and we’ve done bad things… but there are some of us that are trying to right those wrongs…”
“But I like you. Can’t I stay with you?” Lisa inquired. Nikita felt the pang throughout her entire body, thinking about her daughter, wondering if her daughter would have blonde hair. “No. You deserve a real family.”
“But I’m scared.”
“I’m going to be watching over you… all of you… to make up for what was taken away from you,” Nikita explained as she knew that she had to spend more time with this youngster because she was so smart. She couldn’t just whisk her to a family and know that the secrets of Section were going to be safe.
But as she left Lisa behind, Nemoncoff walked over with the panel. She turned it on and turned her head away as one of the teenagers that she had released has mutilated a girl his own age and then hung himself. She had ruined those lives and she pushed the panel back so she could disappear and push the tears that threatened to fall.
Michael shifted in bed and shook his head. “Come on, Kita… wake up…”
Her entire body hurt as she barely pushed it out of the van. She saw others turning away from her as she walked down the hallway. No one was looking at her as she walked and no one cared that she was battered. In fact, when she requested to go to MedLab she was denied that request.
“A moment,” Operations spoke as he stepped in front of her in that hallway. He waited as the hallway emptied and he smirked. “I told you to just do the job. You didn’t want to do what you were told.”
“Innocents…”
“I don’t care about the innocents,” Operations chuckled as he shook his head. He touched her hair and smirked. “I also warned you that your trainer is not always going to be there to save you. You aren’t going to know when he is sending you in for a suicide mission or when he is going to be right behind you. It’s me having the ultimate power… you have no control.”
“The mission was a success… and I’m a recruit,” Nikita spoke and Operations cupped her cheek. “Oh, that is almost cute.”
He then used his other hand to smack her. “You are stupid to think that you aren’t anything more than just a pond.”
“Michael said…”
“Oh, that’s cute too,” Operations chuckled again as he stepped away. “I think you should go to the sparring room. You need to learn to battle while injured. Michael has coddled you way too much and while he is gone this week… I’m going to oversee your training…”
“Come on, Kita… wake up… you can get out of these flashes… you are with me…” Michael spoke firmly as he turned on the light and hoped to get Nikita to respond. Her eyes didn’t even register and she was deeply stuck inside whatever was going on in her mind.
He swore that he heard Nikita say something about Operations. He could not even recall the last time they spoke about Paul Wolfe and it was odd to even hear the word Operations outside of Nikita making the point that she had been Operations. Paul was sinister as Operations and Michael felt his heart race as he worried that this was something that he didn’t know about.
“Kita… wake up… I’m right here for you,” Michael directed her but he was losing in the battle right now.
She was as good as dead if she didn’t find Michael. She didn’t understand how he could just abandon her like he had. She had no choice in the things that she had done but didn’t it prove that she was good at being an operative? But now there was no one on her side. She was alone and she needed him to be there for her like he often said that he would be, even though many times he wasn’t.
She knew that there were plenty of times that he wasn’t there. She almost drowned and she was beaten up for him. Hell, he beat her up himself. But yet, somehow he was there. Yet, he was gone right now and she had to worry that she wasn’t even going to find him as a support.
She looked at the house and felt that everything slowed down as the door opened and there was a woman there.
The words didn’t even register. Her mind was racing about how this was the wrong information and how was she going to find the right information. The boy didn’t even register in her mind.
Until he was there.
He was married. Yet something more that she didn’t know. She wasn’t allowed to have a cat but he was allowed to have a wife and a son – a real family.
She was speaking but her heart was racing and she was fighting against nausea and dizziness. She said words that were focused to Michael, but nothing about what she was feeling. It didn’t matter as he had just slapped her harder than any other time that he had physically beat her up himself. This was pain that she wasn’t sure how to process.
He wasn’t getting Nikita out of this and he could feel her entire body started to strain against whatever she was thinking. He could hear her ragged breathing and he could feel the tension building as she moved her head slowly from side to side. He had no idea what was going on in her mind. She wasn’t even saying anything right now.
“Come on, Kita… You are stronger than this… you know that you have the control of the PTSD… I’m right here…”
”No matter how hurt you are… you have to be able to take a beating…” Nikita spoke to the two new recruits. She had a crowd outside the room watching. It had been months since she had been in to spar and Nikita looked across the room. “Attack me Davenport.”
“You’ve already been attacked…”
“I’m directing you to attack me… and do not hold back, Davenport,” Nikita directed the man as she narrowed her eyes, issuing her orders as Operations.
He didn’t know of the other pain that she was carrying with her. She had given birth to her daughter a day ago and it felt better to be fighting, even if that meant taking the punches, than it was to feel the emptiness that she felt right now.
He moved forward and started to swing, but he was pulling his punches. “Do I need to threaten Abeyance, Mr. Davenport?” Nikita questioned as she slapped his half-thrown punch. She lifted her chin up and she felt the connection of his next fist against her face.
It hurt but still not more than the other hurt that she felt. “Harder, Mr. Davenport.”
“No.”
“Who is the one giving directions?” Nikita inquired as she glared at him. “How many people here get the opportunity to spar with me… let alone beat me up? I suggest you take this opportunity before you regret it.”
“You aren’t tough like Michael was, Operations,” Davenport warned and Nikita bite down on her tongue. She didn’t want to think about Michael. She stepped forward to feel the pressure and strength of his strikes. She made it hurt more by those thrusts and she was about to lose the thin excuse of why she was doing this.
She was training others.
Soon Nikita had Davenport on his back and she looked at the recruits. “I’m hurt… but I still had to do this. That’s why you train.”
“Kita… come on!” Michael directed loudly.
Nikita struggled as she was on some sort of conveyer belt of memories. She started to sob for help and Michael grabbed her hands. “I’m here, Kita… come on… look at me…”
Finally Nikita turned her head so that her eyes sought Michael. She almost seemed to go slightly lax as she saw Michael. She mouthed his name and Michael shook his head. “It’s ok, Kita... you are tired… and I’m right here… just stay right here with me…”
Nikita stared at Michael’s eyes. They were so green right now and she had him, for now. She didn’t understand why she was having these flashes. Things were better. She should have had them when things were worse.
“Beatrice,” Nikita whispered and Michael exhaled. “I called her a half hour ago, Kita… that’s how long you’ve been stuck in those flashes…”
Nikita shook as she thought about it and she shook her head. “No… No…”
“I called Beatrice and she is on her way… I couldn’t get you to come out of it… I couldn’t wait, Kita…”
“Don’t let me close my eyes,” Nikita warned as she looked at Michael, scared that she would go back to those memories and she didn’t want to go back there. But she also wanted to figure out why she was having them now.
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