| Subject: Priority Mail 90 |
Author:
Nikita507
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Date Posted: Friday, December 17, 10:45:59pm
In reply to:
Nikita507
's message, "Priority Mail 88+" on Thursday, December 16, 05:25:15pm
The blood would not come off of her hands. She scrubbed and scrubbed before realizing that it wasn’t just her hands that were covered with blood. She had taken off the clothes in the dingy shower and later she would destroy them in a broiler, but for now, they were still at her feet.
She had tried to not get the blood in her hair, but for some reason, it was all over her body and it was not going away.
Nikita grabbed for the scrub brush and started to rub it against her skin. The harder she rubbed, the more that she was sure that she got out. But the blood was still there. Nikita leaned her head back and she could see the blood rolling down over her face.
She was sobbing and crying. All she wanted to be is clean, but she wasn’t sure she would ever be clean again. Nikita looked down her body and crumbled down, but once her knees hit the soggy clothes, Nikita was back onto her feet.
Nikita needed to get clean.
She yanked the bottle of shampoo and started to pour it over her head. She could taste the shampoo by just inhaling.
But she also could taste the metallic ting of blood still too.
“Get out of there, Kita…” Michael’s voice commanded and Nikita was barely hearing it. He had probably said something along those lines a couple times now. But Nikita looked at her hands and the blood was there.
“I got to get clean… got to get the blood off…” Nikita explained as she rubbed her hands together. She was burning because of the blood on her skin.
She didn’t notice the curtain being pulled violently back. She didn’t even notice as Michael turned off the water that had long ago turned very cold. Michael then saw how red her skin was, and it was because she had been trying to wash the blood that she thought was on her off. He touched her shoulders and then saw her body shivering. “You are freezing…”
“Leave me!” Nikita shouted as she pushed Michael and slipped on the web tile. Michael waited for Nikita to gain her balance and then he stepped into the shower and wrapped his arms around Nikita. “There is no blood Nikita.”
Nikita looked down at her hands and saw the redness of her skin, but there was no blood. She sobbed out as she was sure that she was losing her mind. She felt Michael pulling at her and she shook her head. “Leave me… just leave me…”
“I did that once,” Michael rasped as he reached out for a towel and hastily wrapped it around her skinny shivering body. “I’m not going to do that ever again.”
Her body curled forward and finally Michael was able to pull her light body up and out of the shower. He was able to grab a couple other towels and wrap the around Nikita’s body. She was wincing which was probably because of the patches of raw skin that had occurred because of her relentless scrubbing.
“It’s going to be ok, Nikita… it truly is,” Michael whispered as he looked around and finally pulled off his t-shirt and placed it over her body. It was cotton and would be gentler against her body than the rough towels that he was using. Nikita placed her feet apart and looked at Michael. “I’m going to insane.”
Michael guided Nikita to sit down on the toilet and he got down in front of Nikita. He reached into his pocket for the one bottle and extended his hand. “I think you need this right now.”
“I don’t have PTSD.”
“I’m not saying that you do,” Michael spoke as he did not agree with Nikita and he did not argue against Nikita. “All I’m saying is that Dr. Hlad said that if you get overwhelmed… that this will help you calm down.”
“You want me to take the Ativan,” Nikita bluntly spoke even as she used her shaking sore hands against her forehead to push the wet hair out of her face. Michael nodded his head up and down. “Come on, Kita… you know what the right thing is here. It isn’t to continue to punish yourself.”
Nikita pressed her eyes shut and slumped her shoulders. “When… I was taking Ethan’s body… and disposing of it… that knife…”
It had been hours from the time that she had shot Ethan before she could pull out the knife and other tools she would need to break the body apart. She pushed all of the emotions and thoughts aside as she started to cut into the flesh, knowing that she would have the blood all over her body.
As she worked, often her mind thought about how easy it would be for her to just cut herself and to end the misery. She did not know how she was given the reprieve. Then she wasn’t even sure if she truly was given a reprieve. Maybe this was all a test to see what she would do. Maybe she would be killed in the future.
Somehow the knife never hurt her body as she took care to make sure to stay as neat as possible and she tried to respect the body that she was mutilating.
“Tell me, Kita. You need to say what you are thinking,” Michael urged as he saw her mind was trapped in that image of the past that he didn’t know the details about. He wouldn’t lie – it did scare him – but he knew that Nikita had to talk about it.
“I could have… I should have…” Nikita shook her head and looked up at Michael. “Do you know how many times when I had hacked that man’s body apart that I thought about turning that knife on myself?”
Michael chilled and he knew that he could not hide his reaction. He reached with his free hand and squeezed Nikita’s knee. “I don’t know a cold operative that has never thought something along those lines.”
“It was almost too easy… and instead… I knew that my task was to make sure that he wasn’t found…” Nikita looked at Michael as she looked down at her hands. “I should have spilled acid all over me and him... done something for what I have done.”
“You never would have,” Michael moved his hand from her knee to her chin to make Nikita look at him. “You did things that you had to do… and you also know that you deserve the same redemption that you gave to others.”
Nikita leaned her head to the side until Michael cupped her cheek. He waited for a while and then nudged Nikita. He didn’t have to ask verbally. Nikita slightly nodded her head before whispering. “Just for right now.”
“That’s all I am suggesting,” Michael exhaled as he handed the bottle over to Nikita. He watched as Nikita took one and then handed the bottle over before putting the pill on her mouth. Michael slipped the bottle away, especially after hearing Nikita admit about her thoughts in the past about joining Ethan. He didn’t want her to get trapped in a memory and do something in haste of those traumatic memories.
“Let me dry your hair… and then we’ll go to bed…” Michael spoke as he stood up, knowing that Nikita was already feeling the effects of the medicine. It did something inside of him but he also knew that it was the right thing for Nikita right now.
And it may be the only way to get the Nikita that he loved back.
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