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Date Posted: 21:03:11 09/16/03 Tue
Author:
Author Host/IP: 63.230.205.115
Subject: Critique me?
Would you guys be kind enough to critique the first part of my English essay? I'm not even sure that I'll choose September 11th as my topic, but I just thought I'd write on a few subjects and decide after they're written. Oh, and there might be a couple of spelling or grammer errors in this, I'll fix them before my final copy!
I turned over in my bed and kicked at the sheets that had entangled me in the previous hours of sleep. "Looks like another beautiful day today, daytime temperatures should peak around 76 degrees with mostly sunny skies." I flipped the switch on my alarm clock and headed into the bathroom. I stared blankly into the mirror and rubbed my bleary eyes. It was far too early for anyone -even roosters- to be awake and I wasn't happy. I yanked a light pink t-shirt and old, worn jeans from the pile on my floor and tossed them on while tying my hair back into a loose ponytail.
With my car in need of a new battery and no means of getting to work besides my own two feet I tied on my tennis shoes, noticing that they had, in fact, seen better days. I threw my bag over my shoulder and stepped out into an uncharictaristically cloudless day in Manhattan. The sunshine washed over me and I took a deep breath - maybe things weren't as terrible as I thought. Now feeling more than warmed by the sunlight, I slowed my pace upon approaching New York City's premiere bussiness district. The streets became more and more crowded as I continued, now forced to stroll and become lost in the sea of thousands others just like myself. Having come to a crosswalk, I paused to check my watch - it was already 8:40 A.M. I sighed, if I didn't hurry, I would be late for work, which would officially make me make me late for dinner that night. Realizing this, I snapped back to reality and rushed across the street, signaling a desperate thank-you to the drivers who hadn't struck me despite the fact that the light had turned colors moments before.
Having heard a noise above me I cast my eyes upward, scanning the sky for a helicopter and wondering what had already gone wrong on such a beautiful Tuesday morning. The sound of a roaring engine became increasingly louder and I was surprised to discover that a commercial jetliner was to blame. Intrigued, I kept my eye on it and noticed others stopping to do the same..but the plane wasn't stopping. I looked helplessly at the people surrounding me, who offered no consolation because nearly all of them were frozen in place, staring up at the sky just as I had been. Time seemed to come to a halt as the plane took one last, deadly turn directly into the north tower of the World Trade Center. I couldn't move, I couldn't think. It was all I could do to stand on the corner of the street and watch in fear and awe as the symbol of American Financial Freedom went up in flames.
Please be honest. It's not even halfway finished yet because it's only 450-something words and I need 1,100 to 2,000, but I'd like some feedback before I continue.
Thanks so much guys! <33
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Replies:
- You have such a talent for writing, Ally - honestly, it's good! What does the essay have to be about? (NT) --
, 22:19:49 09/16/03 Tue
- Sarah! <33. It just has to be a Historical Narrative about something that happened in the last 10 years, and then you have to write it as if you were there. September 11th isn't very original at all, but it seems like the easiest thing to do, and I need to turn in something for my rough draft tomorrow! Thanks for the compliment, hehe! Love ya! xox (NT) --
, 22:26:52 09/16/03 Tue
- Nevermind, I see your other post below! Anyway, if you didn't want to do 9/11, I would agree with the girls who suggested Columbine. I have to do an essay like that tomorrow, we watched "Bowling for Columbine" and we've got to do an essay on all that. But whatever you end up choosing I'm sure it'll be awesome. (NT) -- , 22:27:15 09/16/03 Tue
- Sarah! <33. It just has to be a Historical Narrative about something that happened in the last 10 years, and then you have to write it as if you were there. September 11th isn't very original at all, but it seems like the easiest thing to do, and I need to turn in something for my rough draft tomorrow! Thanks for the compliment, hehe! Love ya! xox (NT) --
- You're welcome for the compliment! Love ya tons <3 (NT) -- , 22:29:47 09/16/03 Tue
- Wow. Ally, you have a real talent for writing! I <3 it..,its really good. I <33 writing too, i Love English classes. ^^ (NT) -- Denise, 03:02:58 09/17/03 Wed
awesomely good job, Ally! keep it up! <3 (NT) -- Bekah ((Fascination)), 13:37:35 09/17/03 Wed
- wow! that's great! (NT) --
, 17:10:11 09/17/03 Wed
- Ally, Its GREAT! I love writing and you are very talented...maybe if your school has a newspaper, you could write an article? (NT) -- Laurin, 18:43:52 09/17/03 Wed