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| Subject: Rules For Dating My Daughters.... | |
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Author: Kat |
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Date Posted: 10:50:15 11/23/03 Sun Author Host/IP: 129.44.145.164 Rule One: > > If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better > > be delivering a package, > > because you're sure not picking anything up. > > > > Rule Two: > > You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You > > may glance at her, so long > > as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If > > you cannot keep your eyes > > or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove > > them. > > > > Rule Three: > > I am aware that it is considered fashionable for > > boys of your age to wear > > their trousers so loosely that they appear to be > > falling off their hips. > > Please don't take this as an insult, but you and > > all of your friends are > > complete idiots. Still, I want to be > > fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose > > this compromise: You > > may > > come to the door with your underwear showing and > > your pants ten sizes too > > big, and I will not object. However, in order to > > ensure that your clothes do > > not, in fact, come off during the course of your > > date with my daughter, I > > will take my electric nail gun and fasten your > > trousers securely in place to > > your waist. > > > > Rule Four: > > I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, > > sex without utilizing a > > "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me > > elaborate, when it comes > > to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. > > > > Rule Five: > > It is usually understood that in order for us to > > get to know each other, we > > should talk about sports, politics, and other > > issues of the day. Please do > > not do this. The only information I require from > > you is an indication of > > when > > you expect to have my > > daughter safely back at my house, and the only word > > I need from you on this > > subject is: early." > > > > Rule Six: > > I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many > > opportunities to date > > other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is > > okay with my daughter. > > Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little > > girl, you will continue to > > date no one but her until she > > is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will > > make you cry. > > > > Rule Seven: > > As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my > > daughter to appear, and > > more > > than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If > > you want to be on time for > > the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is > > putting on her makeup, a > > process than can take longer than painting the > > Golden Gate Bridge. Instead > > of > > just standing there, why > > don't you do something useful, like changing the > > oil in my car? > > > > Rule Eight: > > The following places are not appropriate for a date > > with my daughter: > > Places > > where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer > > than a wooden stool. Places > > where there is darkness. Places where there is > > dancing, holding hands, or > > happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is > > warm enough to induce my > > daughter to wear > > shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything > > other than overalls, a > > sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her > > throat. Movies with a > > strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; > > movies which feature > > chain > > saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks > > homes are better. > > > > Rule Nine: > > Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, > > balding, middle-aged, > > dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my > > daughter, I am the > > all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I > > ask you where you are > > going > > and with whom, you have one > > chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and > > nothing but the truth. I > > have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the > > house. Do not trifle > > with > > me. > > > > Rule Ten: > > Be afraid; be very afraid. It takes very little for > > me to mistake the sound > > of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in > > over a rice paddy near > > Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the > > voices in my head > > frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for > > you to bring my daughter > > home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you > > should exit the car with > > both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter > > password, announce in a clear voice that you have > > brought my daughter home > > safely and early, then return to your car - there > > is no need for you to come > > inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. > > -- [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] |
| Subject | Author | Date |
| Re: Rules For Dating My Daughters.... | Mt Rich Possi (142.161.189.166) | 13:50:14 11/23/03 Sun |
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