| Subject: Chapter 246 - Part 2 (end of chapter 246) |
Author:
KatherineG.
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Date Posted: Wednesday, July 12, 07:11:33am
In reply to:
KatherineG.
's message, "Dreams in the Dark" on Monday, May 01, 06:55:47am
The particular failure their every enemy had planned was pounding at him now, finally forcing out his words, as he tried to focus on the road; he did so need her to understand. "'Ki-ta." He won her attention softly, her loving eyes already forming a memory for him for many a dark night to come; it was difficult to hint at what he meant. "If there's ever a choice . . . If Madeline wins . . ." He wasn't certain he should approach his concerns so boldly but was determined to have them out. "I want you to know that I'll never blame you." They came to a stop sign, his gaze turning toward her so deeply. "I just need you to be all right."
Oh. Her heart clenched, seeing what he was telling her, hating herself that he felt he had to--feeling her failure already. He knew that, without him, she would lose, would prove incapable of nurturing his son towards birth; she had to bite her bottom lip, wishing it weren't true. If only she were a stronger person, maybe he wouldn't have to give up on his dreams.
These weren't his feelings, of course--weren't anything like them--but the self-doubts had risen, drowning out all else. His words went on in her silence, interpreting it as doubt of his motives; his eyes went back to the road, as he drove on. "I want to see both you and our son well, when I return. I've been looking forward to being a family." There was a tender smile--unaware that he was breaking her heart; the sounds of its fragments falling went unheard, as the look faded. "But I most need to be certain that you'll be here."
She still said nothing, was fighting back the tears--last night's horrific scene reawakening all her earlier trauma, making her so much more emotional and fearful. But the quiet made him continue, desperate to win her promises. "Look after yourself and our son," she couldn't even be happy that he was agreeing with her on that fact now, "but if there's ever a choice you have to make . . ." His long sigh took her soul with it. "I'll only be angry, if you choose him, instead."
His words, really, weren't that new, the discussion not a particularly unusual one for them, given all their fears, their coming separation--so much needing to be discussed. He was only telling her what she already knew, that neither of them wished to continue without the other--that neither were that selfless or strong. They had come to understand from the first that their love was greedy, all-encompassing. If she died but young Adrian and Michael lived, the child would be an orphan soon enough. She had always understood that, saw it in herself as well, as much as she hated it--wishing only for his happiness. But with the sorrow and pain that yesterday's image had brought her, with all that it seemed to presage, she wasn't comprehending him. All she could really hear was that he didn't trust her to be a good, strong mother for his children anymore.
In some ways, this was a new and unexpected turn for the actress, wouldn't have been one she would have expected of herself--had she been given the knowledge needed to be able to think this far ahead. But it also made perfect sense. She was the child and the grandchild of highly imperfect women--one who had allowed her daughter to be continuously raped and abused by the girl's titular father, one who had quickly sunk into madness, allowing her child to live at the mercy of dozens of pitiless men. Before meeting her husband, before growing to love him so deeply, Nikita had never really imagined that she would marry--not out of her own choice, at least--could never comprehend a future with children. She had been raised with all the words of vitriol a maddened syphilitic could devise. It wasn't exactly the perfect background for anyone hoping to face motherhood with a confident smile.
She couldn't see this in herself, however, was too far encompassed by the doubt and despair. She couldn't even see that, had their situations been reversed--Michael left to care for his child alone--all his own past actions and inactions would destroy his confidence, as well. Even if both of them were fortunate enough to make their way into the future they hoped for, were lucky enough to see their little Adrian sleeping happily in their arms, there would still be doubts--and not simply the thousand that first-time parenting made inevitable, all on its own. Still, if they were capable of finding this future, they would be together to help each other through.
It was their coming separation which was doing the most damage, then, his forced abandonment of her and their child almost a sort of spiritual amputation. In the months they had been married, in the over a year before it when they had fallen in love, they had, without realizing it, become one, organic whole. And--their one-celled brethren notwithstanding--a whole creature didn't tend to function well when broken into parts.
It was this truth which underlay all their self-doubts, the ones which were terrifying Nikita particularly strong; it took until they were in their driveway for her to be able to answer him, the fight against her tears inevitable. "I'm sorry, Michael." There was a deep, shaky breath, as she lost the battle. "I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to be a good mother."
He had just put the car in park--which was probably just as well, as this pronouncement would otherwise have made him strip the gears. He could only stare at her in horror for a second, before he found the courage to answer. "You're wrong. I'm the one who's weak." She looked to him, confounded. "If I were strong enough, I'd be here to protect you both." He couldn't keep up her honest gaze, his own drifting. "As it is . . ."
Oh. She hadn't even imagined that he could think such a thing, his self-evaluations so far away from the truth; she saw nothing of the same reality in her own. It took her a moment to even form the words. "You're the strongest man I've ever known." When his look returned to her, so uncertain, her gaze failed--the fears rising once more. "It's me." There was a long, tired sigh. "I'm just not good enough for you."
It was fortunate that she had said this, however untrue, as it was with these deluded words that he saw what he was doing, what both of them were--Madeline's plots already bearing poisonous fruit. His eyes became so tender, hand reaching out to cup her face. He had to wait a moment, until she managed to meet his gaze, the violence her life had done to her so terribly clear there; he sighed, as he leaned in, kissing her other cheek softly. He had never known any less-true words in his life.
He could feel her bracing, felt the sorrow which ravaged her, and sighed in sadness at all the world had done. When he met her eyes again, his own were tender and adoring, waiting until she truly saw him, was listening. "I love you," he told her simply. "I've never even imagined another woman as perfect as you are."
She seemed tempted to look away, his hand cupping her face more completely, holding her in place. "You're strong, loving, and intelligent. No other woman's ever had me the way that you do--and none ever will again." It was an eternal truth--and it was one he would never stop being grateful for at all.
His words were getting through to her, somewhat; he had to lean in closer, gaze capturing her, to make certain she fully understood. "You will be a brilliant mother to our child, Nikita--and we will have many happy children." Her tentative smile was like sunshine trying its best to break through the most pervasive clouds, warming his heart--his own meeting it. The gaze he gave her held his soul, couldn't be questioned. "And I will do whatever it takes to be with you every step of the way."
Oh. She was crying now, but they were happy tears this time--his absolute honesty breaking down, yet again, all the walls of pain and doubt long years of abuse had built. "Mi-chael," she whispered, before they embraced, letting her cry against his shoulder--but it was enough, telling him everything he needed to know. Nikita loved him; his fingers trailed through her hair, warmed by her very presence. And, no matter what the power of their enemies, they *would* be together, in the end.
[End of Part 246]
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