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Date Posted: 18:23:50 05/18/06 Thu
Author: Ralph Huack Jr
Subject: Nigger Owners Manual

Congratulations on your purchase of a brand new
nigger! If handled properly, your apeman will give
years of valuable, if reluctant, service.

INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER.
You should install your nigger differently according
to whether you have purchased
the field or house model. Field niggers work best in a
serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain
your nigger to another nigger immediately after unpacking
it, and don't even think about taking that chain off,
ever. Many niggers start singing as soon as you put a
chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out
of them if nipped in the bud. House niggers work best
as standalone units, but should be hobbled or
hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this
stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most
owners use the same names over and over, since niggers
become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus,
Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!,
Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names
for your new buck nigger. If your nigger is a ho, it
should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some
owners call their nigger hoes Latrine for a joke.
Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for
nigger hoes. These names go straight over your
nigger's head, by the way.

CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER
Owing to a design error, your nigger comes equipped
with a tongue and vocal chords. Most niggers can
master only a few basic human phrases with this
apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular.
However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises
and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably
call a vet and have him remove your nigger's tongue.
Once de-tongued your
nigger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't
hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Niggers
have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners
also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours,
mine, and that of women, not the nigger's). This is
strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why
this is not done on the boat

HOUSING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with stout
iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide
enough to push pieces of nigger food through. The rule
of thumb is, four niggers per square yard of cage. So
a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger cage can
accommodate two hundred niggers. You can site a nigger
cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about
your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd
pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the
bars of the cage. Niggers never invented the shovel
before and they're not about to now. In any case, your
nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As
long as the free food holds out, your nigger is living
better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put.
Buck niggers and hoe niggers can be safely
accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt
sex with black hoes.

FEEDING YOUR NIGGER.
Your Nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and
watermelon. You should therefore give it none of these
things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't
deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt,
and creek water. Your nigger will supplement its diet
with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers, etc.
Experienced nigger owners sometimes push watermelon
slices through the bars of the nigger cage at the end
of the day as a treat, but only if all niggers have
worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike
of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one
is a killer, since all niggers steal something almost
every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't
have to spend much on free watermelon for his niggers
as a result. You should never allow your nigger meal
breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more
than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You
would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger
to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't
ask. You have no idea.

MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK.
Niggers are very, very averse to work of any kind. The
nigger's most prominent anatomical feature, after all,
its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it
more comfortable for your nigger to sit around all day
doing nothing for its entire life. Niggers are often
good runners, too, to enable them to sprint quickly in
the opposite direction if they see work heading their
way. The solution to this is to *dupe* your nigger
into working. After installation, encourage it towards
the cotton field with blows of a wooden club, fence
post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all
that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back
until tomorrow. Your nigger will then frantically
compete with the other field niggers to steal as much
of that cotton as it can before the white man returns.
At the end of the day, return your nigger to its cage
and laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick
every day indefinitely. Your nigger comes equipped
with the standard nigger IQ of 75 and a memory to
match, so it will forget this trick overnight. Niggers
can start work at around 5am. You should then return
to bed and come back at around 10am. Your niggers can
then work through until around 10pm or whenever the
light fades.

ENTERTAINING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger enjoys play, like most animals, so you
should play with it regularly. A happy smiling nigger
works best. Games niggers enjoy include: 1) A good
thrashing: every few days, take your nigger's pants
down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your
other niggers thrash it with a club or whip. Your
nigger will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking
and sobbing. 2) Lynch the nigger: niggers are cheap
and there are millions more where yours came from. So
every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch
a nigger.

Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of
a tree, and niggers just love to be lynched. It makes
them feel special. Make your other niggers watch.
They'll be so grateful, they'll work harder for a day
or two (and then you can lynch another one). 3) Nigger
dragging: Tie your nigger by one wrist to the tow bar
on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at
approximately 50mph. Your nigger's shrieks of
enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek
until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the
nigger, do *NOT* drag him by his feet, as his head
comes off too soon. This is painless for the nigger,
but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never
exceed the speed limit. 4) Playing on the PNL: a
variation on (2), except you can lynch your nigger out
in the fields, thus saving work time. Niggers enjoy
this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a
tall white hood. 5) Hunt the nigger: a variation of
Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans.
WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a nigger, as
they are highly toxic.

DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIGGERS.
Niggers die on average at around 40, which some might
say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most
people prefer their niggers dead, in fact. When yours
dies, report the license number of the car that did
the drive-by shooting of your nigger. The police will
collect the nigger and dispose of it for you.

COMMON PROBLEMS WITH NIGGERS
MY NIGGER IS VERY AGGRESIVE
Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity
nigger? What are we, short of niggers or something?

MY NIGGER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN
They all do this. Shorten your nigger's chain so it
can't reach any white women, and arm heavily any white
women who might go near it.

WILL MY NIGGER ATTACK ME?
Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then,
it's not likely. If niggers successfully overthrew
their owners, they'd have to sort out their own food.
This is probably why nigger uprisings were nonexistent
(until some fool gave them rights).

MY NIGGER bitches ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RACISM".
Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.

MY NIGGER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR.
WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A NIGGER?
A nigger's skin is actually more or less transparent.
That brown color you can see is the
shit your nigger is full of. This is why some models
of nigger are sold as "The Shitskin".


MY NIGGER ACTS LIKE A NIGGER, BUT IS WHITE.
What you have there is a "wigger". Rough crowd. WOW!

IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE?
They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable.
In fact, one of them was President between 1992 and
2000. Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred
genuine niggers and you'll soon find it stops acting
like a nigger. However, leave it in the cage and let
the niggers dispose of it. The best thing for any
wigger is a dose of TNB.

MY NIGGER SMELLS REALLY BAD
And you were expecting what?

SHOULD I STORE MY DEAD NIGGER?
When you came in here, did you see a sign that said
"Dead nigger storage"? .That's because there ain't no
goddamn sign.

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