| Subject: Re: I want to die now~~ |
Author:
Cindy
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Date Posted: 06:24:30 08/13/06 Sun
Hey Dave,
Hmm...I know the feeling of love and not getting it...it's tough. I find myself to be a perfectly alright person but the things around me or not around me end up creating a paralyzed and negative mind. I struggle so hard meeting people when living in a city of a population of alomst 700,000 people..how messed up is that? And it's not like I'm anti-social..I'll become friends with anyone and anything, no judgements, and yet I still struggle. There's so much love inside me...so much I wish to express, but I'm tired of expressing it to others and being taken advantage of...it's hurtful. I am unhappy with my job, no friends, no one to turn to, single, not able to live on my own...it's too much to handle. Yes, I too just want to die, forget it all and leave this planet. I don't want to hurt anyone and am sick and tired of feeling pain. I can't kill myself though because even though I see people aren't there for me and I can't feel like anyone gives a shit, they will be affected if I die and then it will mean that I did end up hurting people. :(
For the Jesus guy who said his conversations with Jesus brought him salvation, congratulations...however, Jesus will not do your dirty work...he suffered enough when on this miserable planet and paid his dues and he too came in a human form...no one helped him out...we can't expect that it's going to be handed to us.
I don't know what to say about killing oneself...it's a feeling most people have and not many can admit...there are way too many of us that are down, but it's a matter of just remaining present and not becoming too attatched to our situations that can hopefully help us walk the baby steps back into life...I struggle with it daily and I can't give up. Try to not give up and know that all enerygy around you loves you, even if not in the form of a human...I don't have a human connection either, but maybe one day I will.
All the best!
Cindy :)
>Well, where do i start? I know i need help, i
>understand that but i just cant make that final step
>to recieveing help. For years now i have hated myself
>and everything about my life, on many occasions i have
>thought about suicide. Only knowing how my family
>would react stops me from doing so. What i dont
>understand as before i was depressed all the time
>which at least i could understand, but now i can have
>the time of my life one minute and the next minute be
>reaching for a knife. I dont understand whats going on
>inside of me, recently i began cutting myself and i
>can feel anger surge inside of me, wanting me to do
>something about my life. I have so much anger for
>everything around me, maybe its jealousy because
>people are happy i dont know. All i want is to be
>happy, im 24 in february and it may seem strange but
>what would make me happy is a wife, children and a
>house of my own. This is all i need is it to much to
>ask? i need to feel love, to have someone who feels
>complete love for me as i do for them. To understand
>one another and be there for one another. I need to
>achieve something also. It may sund bigheaded or
>stupid but i feel like im better than i am. That im
>destined for something big but that i cant achieve it.
>I have a family and friends, none of whom i can really
>talk to but they are there all the same.I need answers
>to the questions i have, i need to know what its all
>about,maybe one day i will discover what it is but now
>as i type this i see myself in a mirror and i feel
>like cutting myself, killing myself but im too weak to
>even do that and it makes me hate me more. I know its
>up to me to turn things around, i know all this, im
>not a stupid person i know what i need to do, but i
>cant i dont have the energy to do so. Im too afraid of
>the consequences to my actions, im rambling now i know
>i am and id be suprised if this makes sense. All i can
>say is i need more than this, i need to feel im making
>a difference that all of this isnt pointless, my
>mother is religious but i cant bring myself to be so
>myself, i cant believe in something for which i have
>seen no real evidence of it being reality. I cannot
>devote my life to something which may not exist,
>surely that is wasting a life more so than what i am
>doing now? i understand why people need religion, the
>safety and comfort it gives them but until i see
>something to show me the truth then i cannot believe
>it. Anyway i better go, anyone wishing to talk please
>email me maybe we can be depressed together
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