| Subject: Re: I want to die now~~ |
Author:
Charles
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Date Posted: 07:48:41 08/20/04 Fri
In reply to:
pat
's message, "Re: I want to die now~~" on 07:42:47 02/04/04 Wed
>>There is nothing to live for. I want to die but I'm
>even too chicken to do it. I tried to die in a car
>crash but I didn't even get hurt bad. I hate my life,
>Help me die
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Most everyday I wish that I could die or had the cowardess to commit suicide. I've been off work for over a year and I haven't been able to find another job. I see all these people that take everything that they have for granted and I can't ever come out on top. I fell in love with a woman that I can't get my mind off, she's my best ond only friend and I've waited for two years to be able to atleast try and be with her, now she says I'll have to wait longer. My parents don't give a damn about me, I never hear from them and if I call them the conversation is "How's your brother doing?". "Well I've gotta get going I'll talk to you later ok." Then I don't hear from any of them until I call again, which more than likely won't happen again.
Growing up I never had any friends at all. The first time I ever hung out with any one was at 17 yrs old. That didn't last long because the only reason that the person wanted to pretend to be my friend was because he thought that I got some huge settlement from my sisters death. Though the insurance settlement that I did get my mother took from me and I never seen a dime of it and that would have been the only way for me to go to college. So by haps I couldn't further my education. But she made sure that my brother had everything that was his or mine.
I've felt cursed since I was around the age of four, when I seen my dad come into the public place that I was at and I became joyed to see him because I didn't get that chance very often, and he ignored me and walked over to my brother and his girlfriend's kid and threw them onto his lap and played around with them.
Every girlfriend I've ever had cheated on me, I don't know why, the only thing I can think of is because I'm too nice and I don't beat on them or call them nasty names. I was married once, that woman had sex more than I did. The funny thing was that when I caught her at it she tried to tell me that that's not what was going on, and out of the fear of the loneliness that I've felt all my life I stayed until I couldn't take it anymore. You people want to kill yourselves, I ask "why?". Is it as bad as you think? Do you know what it feels like to put the people you care about above yourself and none of those people ever once even try to care about how you feel. I do everything I can for the people that I love and there hasn't ever been one that has just even come up to me and given me a hug and said thanks.
Do you really know what pain is? Look around yourselves and count the people that tell you how much they care and that they would miss you if you were to die. There's only one that has kept me here, she's the best friend I've ever had and she's the woman I'm in love with and it may not be much but it's everything that I have to live for and I'll wait out my time until she's ready even if that causes more pain. Though there are more days than there aren't that I wish that I didn't wake up, I wouldn't take my own life because still you don't know what kind of happiness may come tomorrow and if you take you life your might miss out.
I want to die most the time but I can wait for natural death, even though most days I wish it would just happen.
Sorry to bore all of you, but I couldn't help it. If anyone feels like it then you can e-mail me @ fallenruler@hotmail.com
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