Re: I want to die now~~ -- bme forum

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Subject: Re: I want to die now~~

Author:
Ryan Payne

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Date Posted: 19:43:31 11/02/04 Tue
In reply to: betsy 's message, "Re: I want to die now~~" on 09:05:55 03/13/04 Sat

i am very drunk....a disclaimer...i have tried to commit suicide numerous times only to have a member of my family find me in a bathtub full of blood..eventually i got the philosophy of "why dont i do something crazy that no ordinary human would do..i mean why not, id be dead anyways, what are other people going to do? whats the worse that could happend? the worse that could happen is me dying so if im going to die anyways then why dont i run away and see where my money will take me and become homeless and try to get as far away as i can"...well i did that..it was refreshing..i walked the entire united states...i joined homeless groups..i smoked peyhotte...i slept in the desert..i lived in the woods in the middle of the night..why? because i didnt care if i lived or died...so why would i end my life if i didnt even take any risks? you can take the most amazing risks..you can forget all you know...you can do things that would astound even yourself..you can just start walking in one direction one day (have an I.D. in case a cop stops you..you wont get in trouble just for walking because that isnt illegal but they do tend to stop and ask you questions just because that is suspicious)...and walk and walk and walk..push your body to its limits...smoke a thousand cigarettes..what do you care if your lungs are poisioned...you were going to die anyway..walk in wheat fields..walk into a city and witness the homeless and the crime and see how even that in a way is beauitful in gritty glory..i did...you should too..and then after all that craziness..kill yourself...but why kill yourself when you havnt even left your house of did something un politically correct?

if anybody wants to talk to me about any of this.. my AOL IM name is illegalrodrego

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Me
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Date Posted: 12:56:56 11/04/04 Thu

I don't know much about this whole faith thing -- Don't really put much stock in it. I do know this however ... no matter how many times I think of ways to do myself in I can never seem to go through with it. I just can't let go of the little moments ... the times when I actually laugh, the days that just smell good (this might sound strange but if you know what I mean maybe it doesn't), movies (that 2 hour escape ... if it's a good movie), the times when humanity actually makes an appearance (rare, but it does happen). I can't make any judgements or promises that my life will get better, more than likely it probably won't. I just can't seem to end it, because I want to know what happens. Sure, I know I will be unhappy, but if I do myself in, maybe I'll miss the next great movie, or great laugh, or great friend. I don't know, everyone has to figure it out for themselves. The pain just seems constant, but I'm starting to really live for the moments.