| Subject: Re: I want to die now~~ |
Author:
Hagar
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Date Posted: 08:31:17 12/06/04 Mon
>Well, where do i start? I know i need help, i
>understand that but i just cant make that final step
>to recieveing help. For years now i have hated myself
>and everything about my life, on many occasions i have
>thought about suicide. Only knowing how my family
>would react stops me from doing so. What i dont
>understand as before i was depressed all the time
>which at least i could understand, but now i can have
>the time of my life one minute and the next minute be
>reaching for a knife. I dont understand whats going on
>inside of me, recently i began cutting myself and i
>can feel anger surge inside of me, wanting me to do
>something about my life. I have so much anger for
>everything around me, maybe its jealousy because
>people are happy i dont know. All i want is to be
>happy, im 24 in february and it may seem strange but
>what would make me happy is a wife, children and a
>house of my own. This is all i need is it to much to
>ask? i need to feel love, to have someone who feels
>complete love for me as i do for them. To understand
>one another and be there for one another. I need to
>achieve something also. It may sund bigheaded or
>stupid but i feel like im better than i am. That im
>destined for something big but that i cant achieve it.
>I have a family and friends, none of whom i can really
>talk to but they are there all the same.I need answers
>to the questions i have, i need to know what its all
>about,maybe one day i will discover what it is but now
>as i type this i see myself in a mirror and i feel
>like cutting myself, killing myself but im too weak to
>even do that and it makes me hate me more. I know its
>up to me to turn things around, i know all this, im
>not a stupid person i know what i need to do, but i
>cant i dont have the energy to do so. Im too afraid of
>the consequences to my actions, im rambling now i know
>i am and id be suprised if this makes sense. All i can
>say is i need more than this, i need to feel im making
>a difference that all of this isnt pointless, my
>mother is religious but i cant bring myself to be so
>myself, i cant believe in something for which i have
>seen no real evidence of it being reality. I cannot
>devote my life to something which may not exist,
>surely that is wasting a life more so than what i am
>doing now? i understand why people need religion, the
>safety and comfort it gives them but until i see
>something to show me the truth then i cannot believe
>it. Anyway i better go, anyone wishing to talk please
>email me maybe we can be depressed together
Hi i don't know what u meant by saying ur mom is religous like jewish religous or a christain religous but i'm jewish and i'm religous and i have the same thoughts as u and i feel ur pain. to tell u the truth last night i felt very depressed and i wanted to cut myself likei have done before(i didn't cut myself really bad just like scissors scratched but alot that they covered my whole arm) but this time i wanted to do it major but its not that i was 2 scared 2 i knew it would make me feel better but i knew that my roommate who is my close friend would kill me if she found out.i just wanted to let u know that u r not the only one who thinks of killing themselves and chickens out because they don't want their family to get hurt and it doesn't make u crazy to think that way. i thought about it so many times but didn't do it becuase i thought what would my family think and like not just that it would break their heart u know?even though its my parents that sometimes make me want to commit suicide i still think of my grandparents and howi wouldn't want to hurt them but at the same timei want to have a good life and be happy.but i also think that if it wasn't against my religion i would have done it along time ago, which kinda scares me sometimes.this probably isn't making any sense and i'm sorry but i never really told anyone everything like how i feel and stuff and when i read whta u wrote i felt so connected that i had to write back and i have so many things to say but i cant say them all so its all scattered everywhere and it makes no sense.i want to tell u of more of the things i had to go through in my life but its wya to logn but i hope u gte this an d i hope u don't commit suicide and that u will get married and have a family and everything will be alright with u
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