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Date Posted: Fri, May 27 2005, 17:16:21
Author: Television Standards Authority
Subject: Big Bunch of cunts

In trepidation of the assault planned for later this evening, this is a timely reminder of why no one should watch this bollocks.

Big Brother


What does it take to be a contestant on Big Brother?

Do you have to be funny? No.

Do you have to be good looking? Perhaps... sometimes.

Do you have to be talented or at least interesting?
Not at all.

Infact all you have to be is a minority. Basically - a
weirdo. Either that, or a complete cunt. I saw a bit
of it the other night and predicted next years
contestants. Here is a rundown on what you should
expect to see in future Big Brother's or perhaps the
current one.

CONTESTANT 1...I'm Delores, but my nickname is Fluffy.
I'm a jumped up, opinionated femi-nazi with nothing
worth saying. DARE ANYONE to deny my chance to tell
everyone what to do and I will climb on the roof and
swear a lot. What the fuck are you looking at you
racist? Haven't you seen a LESBIAN BEFORE? Bastard!


CONTESTANT 2....I am Trudy. I am an overweight,
unspeakably common, ill-educated Northerner. I add
gritty realism to the show after consuming an unfair
share of the weeks supply of White Lightning. If
people are having an intelligent conversation, I
merely shriek over the top of them to let them know
I'm still here. I cry the most often and don't
understand anything deeper than the content of Heat
magazine.


CONTESTANT 3....I'm Precious. No really, that's my
actual name. I'm a thrice failed Pop Idol loser that
can't adapt to the fact that's I'm a talentless clone
and a failed one, at that. I sing ALL THE FUCKING TIME
because Trudy says I am good at it. I can't wait to
get out of here and launch a horrible RnB album.



CONTESTANT 4....I'm Greg, the token UBERGAY homosexual
squealing bimbo. I refer to everyone as "girl" and
sister and scream unnecessarily about everything.



CONTESTANT 5....I'm Lee. I am the other homosexual
contestant. Why's HE in here? I hate him. My whole
existence in here is dedicated to being much gayer
than Greg, for attention and respect that I so rightly
deserve for being a homosexual.


CONTESTANT 6....Yo! I'm Tucu. Yeah brother, that's
right. It's short for TUKOOL. I'm black and naturally
quirky like ALL black people must be to be on
television. I have "riddim" and I am great in bed, yo?



CONTESTANT 7....I am Tim, a pseudo-intellectual
undergraduate that can't help but bore everyone with
poorly researched facts about science. Did you know
that ants don't sleep? Did you care?


CONTESTANT 8....Alright? I'm Dave. I'm a middle
manager from Worksop. I am married and have a son.


Geordie Announcer: WHO GOOOOORRRRS? YOUUW DECEEEEEEDE!




Davina McCall: Update! Update! OhMyGodOhMyGodUPDATE!
Dave has been controversially voted off by default for
being too normal! OhMyGodOhMY! He is to be replaced by
a Chinese-Aboriginal, paraplegic, transvestite with
multiple sclerosis and a Scottish accent.

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