the love of a friend -- Welcome to the II Chatboard

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: [1], 2, 3, 4 ]

Subject: the love of a friend

Author:
kb

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 00:26:22 03/21/05 Mon

My friend called to see how i was doing. I wasnt doing so well. He just be'ed with me where i was. For a good 45 minutes. And then told me in tone 40 still strong voice how unbearable it is to be my friend and watch me hurt myself.

So often I think i want sympathy or empathy or some coddling and acceptance, when underneath those false desires what i really want it to share the real experience I am having, be held in non-judgment completely, and then be told by my listener what his true experience is upon hearing me. Or perhaps for us to just be together in silence. I have been listening to the country music station lately, and there is a song by Alison Krauss, she is an incredible fiddle player who has been at it since she was a little 12 year old Oklahoma girl winning contests then touring the country, anyway, she is amazing, she has sung with Phish and all sorts of other greats, but she is a down home midwestern hick: The song is called When you Say Nothing At All: It goes like this

Its amazing how you can speak right to my heart.
Without saying a word you can light up the dark.
Try as I may i can never explain
What i hear when you dont say a thing.
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me. There's a truth in your eye saying you'll never leave me The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall.
You say it best when you say nothing at all.

She must be speaking to God, but in program they say, God needs a voice and a body. SO she must be speaking to her friends who are God in her life.

In the phone conversation today, there was that stuff. That intimacy stuff. It just hit me that i was in it. With him, in reality, in the space of thick love. It was like i landed somewhere like Dorothy, I hadn't intended to land there, not then, not with him! My little island disappearing, there came that delicious but (since i am so scared all the time) kind of dreadful feeling that I am in love with this person. Right after the in love sensation and thoughts is the "Fear of hanging up the phone & being alone" and the knowing or believing that i will hurt when i hang up the phone because i will somehow have lost something that I seem to have somehow acquired - his attention/presence/love...which i must believe is scarce. But this is not true? Why do i so often think it is?

How do I remember in those moments that his(whoever it may be)'s attention will come again? That if I want intimacy I just create it. How do i love myself enough to keep loving myself?

I told him, "everything is so black and white, when i use i need no one and when i put down the using, I need people more desperately than i ever dreamed i would and it is a weak muscle, this 'reaching out' muscle." And i am so unfamiliar with this neediness and i hate myself for it yet I love myself when i feel it in this strange convoluted way, it all feels like pain, love and desire and relief mixed in a blender at high speed....

and it was just one phone conversation. But it reminds me of the torch that love is. That a little dose of someone who loves you's presence is the most powerful stuff of life, and it seems to be all i really want. A friend's loving presence actually takes doom away when i feel it like a cloud.

But the letting go is so painful for some reason, and it isn't that he is my lover, or even a boyfriend, partner or husband, he is just a friend. And he said he would leave his phone on and i could call anytime. But that soup is so thick i think i choke a little on it.

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]