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| Subject: Coming back in | |
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Author: Kristen |
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Date Posted: 23:11:03 05/20/05 Fri 8:15am Friday morning Cell Space I arrive. Fifteen minutes after I claimed I would. Two friends greeting hug sandwich. Double warm men sliced perfectly to couch with surround sound my now by all accounts officially starving body. Hug sandwich reminder that in fact I am still loveable. And they still feel really good. Nothing has changed that much. These two men, they are so here, so there, so available, so full of life. Still holding on to me, still holding on to them, I claw. Dig in with nails. And let it in. Feeling all the more, better. The warmth is magnetic. Real raw warmth, melted butter sensory delectable that type of warmth, slippery coated one on each side of me kind of good. I churn. And burn. I am a cord now open for electric current. A body able to feel herself. It feels good. I can feel them smiling. My insides are hot. Their bodies, the hot water. Rapidly thawing me out. My heart comes up into my throat, or is it just air i am choking on. Swallow and stay here now. Like taking a first breathe now dont let go, fingernails into your skin good. Feet rooting into earth solid defined rock good. Menu option humor available for the choosing. Oh where have you been dear humor? These men, how good they feel kind of blows me out. I take myself quickly captive. This attention feels so delicious. I want to capitalize on it, own it and declare it no one else’s ever. I want to manipulate the one i have manipulated before. I want to do all i can and i know i can to get his attention, i am desperate for his attention. I cannot stop fantasizing about him. I fear love, hurt rejection, disappointment heartache grief and despair all within a moment’s time. I fall in love out and in again, over and over a few rounds and then terrified that it is real then terrified it isnt. Scared of wanting to fuck this much, scared of being scared, feeling needy, insecure, horny, leechy, suddenly ungrounded and heady and then back to a smile, grin to grin and a laugh, oh yeah this is what vulnerability feeeeeeeeeeeeels like. And yet this is all part of my game. He knows it and i know it and the funny part is that it is much more fun to just acknowledge that this is the game. And then look at one another and allow love to come through. Which requires that I stick around to feel. This time I stay. Test the waters here. Dip. In. Here. Its ok. In fact its better than ok. It keeps getting warmer like that childhood game hotter hotter colder colder . When you approach the person hiding in the hiding spot, everyone says hotter hotter hotter boiling! till you almost touch the spot, and as you go away from the spot every one is announcing colder colder colder. freezing! Ice Antartica blizzard. There is no audience here. Only our own insides our bodies, the compass. When you are present, fully present, you have no problems. And you feel good. You can’t not. Law of nature is such. “If you only knew how fast i would surrender to you. But that’s just it, the woman has to do it first.” Again. Surrender. The only word in my life. “I just fell in love with you again. Now it feels like I am peeing.” Deep low slow laughter. We are basking now. In the sunlight. In our own light. He tells me “you really need to get well, so we can do this more often.” “I didn’t see this coming.” I say. And I mean i really didn’t. This whole relationship thing. This us so close thing. Maybe we are just caught in the “in love trap? Maybe we are just blind. Blind dumb and out to kill each other again. Only all that keeps falling away and we keep seeing each other and liking what we see. Without our permission we inadvertantly created a foundation. And we are sitting side by side. All bets aside, we are suddenly laughing at our game. What if someone said to you that you could have everything you ever wanted if you would just let go of one thing? Everything you ever wanted. Heaven on earth the kingdom the keys, the whole nine yards, walk on clouds, you could have this. What if it just took this one thing. And there was formula to get there. And it was simple? You would think that you would easily make your decision. You would think there would be no wasting anytime in following that magic formula. You would think. It is pretty overwhelming when you allow. Allow the reality that God lines your life up if you ask Him to. That you can have it all if you are willing to. Today choosing love, choosing to take the key, follow the formula, show up and listen the way you all love is really clear. Thank you for being my friends. And giving me this extraordinary life. Thank you for forgiveness. Thank you for acceptance. And for requiring no explanations, no admissions fee. Thank you for your hard work, generosity and most of all for the commitment to give it away. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] |