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Subject: where i am

Author:
Kristen

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Date Posted: 22:50:06 01/15/05 Sat

Him: "Are we still hanging out after the course?"
Me: "Yes"(inside, knowing this is where i want to run, this is where the romance addict moves on, this is where the food addict eats, this is where the fear rules and i choose to unbelieve in love. This is where i dont trust and end up in more alone convincing myself that this is in fact where i want to be.)

Earlier today: "Scott, what if you just stayed in that moment? Just for research?"

Ok i say to myself....Just for today, lean in.
"Yes see you at your house."

Half hour later, back in Brisbane, in his room, I am feeling the edges of my turn on stifled. Why? Tonight it is "But I should go to sleep!I have to get up early." Translation, I am terrified of how much sensation i felt when you kissed me after the course and stood staring into my eyes, and didn't leave.

Again, the list of "should's" & "shouldn'ts" grows rapidly.

Next stop - Anger!
Arising.
Then Boom: Ideas constructed about different problems, very good problems, very real looking! Very convincing.
Then, there is the emotion created a feeling bordering on hysteria.
Next in line?
Nausea, headache cranky pain in all areas, sick, thirsty, vision blurring, I reach for tools i know are there inside of me, thanks to a year living here in Brisbane.

One : Havingness level - yes you can ask for him to touch you, massage your neck even.
Two: Trust - yes i can show this part of me, this messy sacred yuck part.
Three: Speak your first generation desire - "Would you put your hand on the back of my neck and press firmly with your palm on the center of my back between my shoulder blades?"

The back of my heart, i feel it cause it starts to warm and become gentle. WOW! Immediately, I begin to feel sane. My toes release the warmth. Legs wake up. I am on my stomach on the bed. His hand still on my neck. Ahhhh. Ok more sane by the moment. My pussy contracts, it feels like i am peeing. Boom, turned on, happy sane woman, no trace of former hysteria or nausea!

I stand up and thank him for giving me space to be where i was. He laughs.

I think I want to write about this. Wow, moving through that borderline hysteria place without having to buy in to my constructed defenses. Reasons for staying in "problems" falling away, dissolving into raw sensation of turn on.

What a gift. And how much time is saved! Years ago I might've stayed in hysteria, which would have turned to depression and anger, and i probably would have stayed there for weeks, maybe even years. I think i did actually do that.

I get to have way more today. I am grateful. Very.

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