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Subject: The training never ends

Author:
Robert

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Date Posted: 09:38:39 09/30/04 Thu

I am sitting across from Nicole spewing my ridiculous viewpoints. Everyone is totally politically incorrect. She just smiles and laughs at me... "you are still trying to act cool... Is that all you got?"

No. I've got a few more. They are more silly than the first. I am frustrated but now there is this energy in my chest that wasn't there when we first sat down together. No, in fact, I felt quite numb. I want to resist this sensation now, this flowing of energy in my chest. This turn on. I want to stay numb. She won't let me. We keep going and I'm beginning to fathom what this is all about. That it is just about feeling. How much energy is available by telling the truth.

A test comes up later. J asks me "Do you tell the truth to women as well?". I hesitate and then say "no". This strikes me as ironic later since I just told the truth about not telling the truth.

I want to look so cool everywhere. Sitting at the front desk, on this chatboard, in every interaction. But, that facade, that lie, has me look the opposite. It has me not feel. I am the one who is suffering because I no longer feeling anything. Which has it be impossible for me to connect with anyone.

The energy is back in my chest right now. Thank you.

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