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| Subject: falling, flying | |
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Author: marvin |
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Date Posted: 17:22:20 10/04/04 Mon Sunday. Meditating 2 or 3 hours this morning after waking up with energy surging into my head. waking up, recalling the sensuality course, and the afterhours with C and A, feeling joy. * Kaleidoscope of frames. So I was flying when I began to meditate this morning. -- strong upflow of energy, not calm. My meditation practice is like our beloved teacher (why not lets just call her “fuck off” for awhile :) when she was stroking down S’s legs to bring her down, holding her feet, grounding the energy, sometimes using words in a firm way, “stay here” and so forth – So my meditation practice this a.m. functioned much like fuck off’s methods did with S. In both cases it took awhile, it took a long time to get through to settle, my mind and body were so strong and energetic –energy up through the upper back and shoulders and neck and head. Lots of memories from yesterday and last night, intense physical energy. Yet staying there, shifting postures in small ways when it seemed the posture was too tight and contributing to the restlessness–so not applying too tight a hold or trying to control too much but still oriented to being stable, not being lost, allowing the breath to flow freely, staying with the flow of body sensations –and enjoying the intensity of the energy, somewhat pleasurable, somewhat not. There were some shifts. The energy seemed to stop flowing upward and started falling into itself in my torso and shoulders and neck, calmer, more refined. At times the energy would surge again usually in association with a memory or reflection from yesterday – * What memory? S boldly hugging me after my intro – I went off a cliff free fall backwards in that intro and said what was true without even for one moment trying to impress fuck off or anybody (really?), since there is intense happiness and vast sorrow mixed together within me and I expressed it and during those few moments I was telling that truth rather perpetuating a pose, rather the shielding myself behind the good luck I’ve had and behind the impression I can make. * the impression is dangerous for me in a way because it isn’t phony –ok yes, S -- true, I manipuate some masks especially with words but I actually am coming from spaciousness deep inside; ok, whatever – please let me say it so i can move on-- I’ve been teaching teens to meditate, pushing them in ways much less outrageous than fuck off’s way of doing it .. so I teach these kids to meditate (not merely pretend to do it, so it is intense) and all summer was in incredibly beautiful situations with them –but I was playing a role, that is my point here, and I definitely do not express sexual energy with them or with any meditation students because the type of meditation I know best and teach takes it as a definite precept for a teacher not to mix the sexual --so even though maybe I’m turning some of them on by what I do nonetheless I don’t play with it at all and I don’t act on it or even acknowledge it because the idea is that this helps protect the solitude in which a person trying to meditate so he or she can get some traction for himself or herself and in any case that is simply part of how this sort of meditation practice is done (or rather, is supposed to be done since there are awkward violations all over the place, but not by me) -- and this very role is incredibly good --and yet has been part of keeping me separate from touch, from really honest play, because of the role.. * by the way, just to clarify, I am in love with fuck off (and for good reason – (“and who isn’t?” as generous A said, helpfully, late last night as she and C gave me the further after-hours instructions including how exactly to find the clit and stay with the clit )) * So I began speaking my Intro when I did because I’d been moved by what H said in his intro, he sent me flying, N as the gateway, the lovely gate into a new country --I was crying and just a few moments earlier fuck off had challenged another weepy person (pussy love) like myself to look into what it was and lo! it was sensation not being felt that was leading to weepiness! the weepiness isn’t some sort of transcendent beatific joy -- it is sadness because life is going by unnoticed, it is being turned on but not acknowledging it – so I’d begun crying a bit and I spoke up out of that space rather than wait to get my act together better -- so what was hiding? desire and anger, i could be more specific, the sensations that go with, the tears from the sadness which permeated what I said but still in speaking when I did, opening to what was really there, I was flying without crashing, and then S boldy hugged me .. why? I don’t know. Maybe because (I just realized) maybe I had turned her on so much she grabbed on to fly with me –wow! –I have to admit that until this moment I’d assumed she was simply being nice, comforting me in some way such as “Don’t worry, dear. True, you are an old man and a big time deluded loser even though you think you are hot stuff combined with sweetness and innocence, but if you want to have it all then probably there is some lonely divorcee in cleveland, possibly wealthy with a nice car, and you will meet her if you go online or keep calling up those desolate phone chat lines but use more discipline so you do it seriously to look for a long term relationship rather than just to play teasing superficial intimacy games” –no! remember this is straight-on S! she was not hugging me to say that!! she was not thinking about lonely divorcees in cleveland! she was hugging me like “I want you to fuck me, mister, take me now, I want you now, take me down right now here in front of everybody, forget this stupid boring introduction circle that we have to do every time, I want to fly with you.” --and where was I? well, I was noticing firm, warm, sensations enveloping me; I was happy I’d made it through the intro flying without spacing out; I was appreciating how nice this woman was being in front of everybody (forgetting it was no-bullshit S)...actually I was feeling genuine warmth, sweet deep warmth from no-bullshit S * I actually do not know what she was thinking.-- why don’t I ask her?. --S, what were you feeling when you hugged me? * then again, later, our feet, bodies touching lightly while lying beside each other during E’s guided meditation –the warmth and firmness of her skin and body holding, shadowing the soft flow of sensations within me on my right side, plus the hardness of the tension and excitement of touching her, the ambiguity of it .. * in our circle I’m describing sitting by S when she fed me something at lunch and I didn’t remember what it was she’d fed me because I’d been focussed on the sensations in my leg against her leg, the way her body fell into me, draped around me, penetrated me while placing whatever it was in my mouth – so I describe this with some body words –and wrap it up cutely by saying “and I have no idea what she fed me” –and fuck off calls me on that, saying it was cute but what was I really feeling at the time and this helped –there is a reality that is way more interesting and fun than trying to be cute all the time. (by the way, thank you for that, fuck off) --and yet I learn so slow (I easily get lost in the pervasive cultural and language games that rely on trying to make a certain type of impression on others) – * with A and C last night. --an amazing synchronicity is revealed as we are leaving the center going to dinner. we met only today, yet they are going to nw ohio tomorrow to meet up and work on the kerry campaign with a former meditation student of mine (!!) .. then even more amazing later at A’s apartment , C is guiding me in doing A..we are all three abiding in a wide and free and subversive frame .. * Honestly I really didn’t want to be there very much. My head and shoulders are surging with energy and it’d been an amazing day already and enough was enough, and in any case I’m more interested in advanced do-ing involving barely touching and not-touching at all – And yet I was being offered a gift, and possibly would actually be do-ing S, the real do-ing thing(unless we just get together simply to touch, almost not touching, ok? ok?) and I had shared at dinner with C and A about the nice connection with M; and A said she'd also connected with her like a sister ..so she’d like to help train me, just in case.. so I’m going to hang in there best I can.. * C is guiding me in detail: Looking and seeing and describing the pussy the way N did with A; “safeporting”= using words to ask her for ok about what I’m planning to do (before every move); placement of legs; placement of wash clothe under her; applying lube smoothly in one nice stroke up around the clit with one hand; placement of the other hand, thumb in introitis; placement of index finger supported by the other fingers; stroking up to find the clit; levels of pressure on the clit (C using his index finger on the top of my hand to show me the differences between hard, medium and light strokes); how to ask if the pressure is ok (not “is this ok?” which sets up for disapproval and sense of failure) but “would you like it harder” (i think). if no, “would you like it softer?” if yes, making it softer and asking again); similar with speed (faster, slower); similar with placement (lower, higher); pausing now and then (but only for one beat so as not to lose the momentum); intuiting peaks and pausing just before, as N had said; downstrokes to take down; not merely seeing to send over the edge or satisfy; taking her up and down dependent on context eg what you might be doing together later on (eg out to dinner together later it might be nice if she’s still wanting more); talking about these things; as in your meditation practice, C is saying, it is intention and attention that matter; holding hand over pussy to close the session, supporting arm in back of knee to get leverage for pressure; removing the cloth; folding it (with the label inside); placing it and wiping with an upstroke, refolding and placing. * I lost track of the clit much of the time. It is obvious why I’ve tended to give almost no attention to clitoral stimulation with my finger because I find it so much harder to feel connected with the clit using my finger compared with using my tongue and lips. A is saying if you lose track just circle around, pretend you meant to do that, and come back in. I’m actually not doing it very well.-- it is work. --oh, I’m caught up in a production way of thinking, am I not, fuck off? * Is the liberation of female orgasmic pleasure worth the risks one takes in this sort of subversive radical activity relative to connections between sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy? for me, yes definitely, there are my own habits and patterns that make this clear. The conventional roles have not worked for me. But what about the relation between sexual intimacy and falling in love that Suzanne wrote about in her journal? I don’t know. I am in love with a group of people, not only fuck off. For example, I was in love with K the minute I saw him yesterday based on small things, little references to him here and there is some things I read online (also the guy in the IN group thursday from K's yoga class, the guy who had difficulty with the group but kept trying) – I don’t know why my heart just really took K in – how he looked straight into my eyes and said with complete acceptance, oh you are the vipassana guy? .. So ok, there is love, there are good feelings -- but am i talking about falling in love? So lets get more specific. I could fall cleanly and deeply in love with fuck off partly because the issue of exclusive sexual possession was definitely not on the table (well, I guess not! – there she is on the floor stroking A’s pussy in a room full of people; now she is showing me how to do K!) –and the fact that I don’t have to own her sexually gives me precisely the freedom I need to fall in love. Ok but what abut exclusive emotional connection? What????? You mean I want her for me so that neither of us would be unable to walk into a coffee shop and completely give our hearts to a person who just needs it for a moment? --the wide open heart that I have for the college students and teens whom I teach would need to shrivel up now that I’m in love with fuck off? That’s crazy!!!! Ok, then. But if not exclusive sexual or emotional possession what sort exclusivity is supposed to come with it? Exclusive attention to me? No, no! --quit looking at me all the time!! Ok, how about, say, exclusive financial responsibility? yikes! I think she probably has expensive tastes!! what about mating? maybe something exclusive comes in there but if there isn’t any genuine place for exclusivity in the other areas there obviously is lots of room here especially since raising children is a lot of work (in any case that is not on my mind). So I don’t see any sort of exclusive possession that seems to be connected with falling in love. wait. What about her being in love only with me and I with her. – But then that rules out K, not only for her --but for me!! and yet I liked the feeling of seeing his kind face across the room when he was there yesterday… not only K of course, that’s rather minor and not sexually charged --bu there was seeing M when I walked in the door in the morning, to my great surprise, feeling S all day, talking with and touching K. But what then about becoming a sort of man who comes casually into these situations, or being with a woman where we casually do this?—So A is driving the car up the hill on 23d st and I say something like this and C turns around and says this to me: “well we don’t want it ever to be casual in any respect. what we did in that room tonight should never be casual. it never is a casual thing for me. its like for a long time I drove across the golden gate bridge from marin county and every time it was fresh and stunning to see the bay. it never got old. it is like coming to that wall in the forest, the sacred space that nicole talked about. what we did with the group tonight is sacred.” – And i see that they are not just casually ask me over to the apartment– for one thing, they had time to find out who I was yesterday before doing that.. the fact we went ahead and did it is revolutionary but the implications for intimacy? this is an abstract speculative question and it depends on our characters and so forth but there’s no need for me to go further with this abstract question. * I have written for almost four hours. this is probably too much.. there is a strong comforting pulsing up in my lower spinal cord, vibrating smoothly up my back into my neck which is tight, hard, feels good to stretch it. * ..In the sitting this morning, it was at least an hour before I connected with even one breath for the first time, there was so much incredible uplifting energy of mind and body. I wasn’t really distracted, simply not holding tightly, allowing a loose mode of apprehension that balanced the intensity of the energy, but still allowing it to be held and gathered and stabilized consciously. Then there were times when the energy swirled in on itself in my torso, was calmer, more refined and subtle, more pleasurable. And once the more subtle energy then rose smoothly and softly into my head and swirled gently not roughly, pleasurable, lights flashing, nice. And then after that still easier to connect with the breath (ie to follow the most basic and universal meditation instructions of all, observing the inbreath and outbreath just as they are).. and has been my practice now for several years, calmly accepting that the beginning instructions are exactly what I need to be practicing in that moment, even after an hour of sitting, even after twenty years of sitting, and doing so in a way that is a bit tighter now because the energy isn’t as intense, and this allows for shifts to the calmer states of mind, the unified bliss and ease and dynamic active stable, spacious letting go. Connecting again, with this inbreath, what is happening right now, the connection giving the mind more clarity and stability, relaxing into more letting go. * Monday afternoon. hype, imagination, enchanted by my own stories and words. – the synchronicity with A and C (I drove them to the airport this morning) and with my former student whom they will be working in toledo this week – this weird awesome connectedness by itself isn’t going to defeat bush, isn’t going to feed anybody in Africa, isn’t going to change anything at all.. but the fun is real and i have no confidence at all in any ways that aren't fun-- the way in which Nicole urged A to let her activism flow from pleasure, flow from joy, unproduced. * I had this dream last night. a woman is flying on something like a scooter. it seems dangerous, i am frightened for her, she is going up and down, there is no reason why she doesn’t just crash, she is in mid air high above mountains, there are no kite wings, there is no balloon. --oh, she is holding on to a man now, he also is on the scooter. they are flying up and down and there isn’t any reason they don’t crash but I’ve lost the fear . they land softly on the top of a mountain and are greeted by another woman, who hugs the man. the woman who’d been flying is glowing. the other woman, is perhaps her sister, the other woman is pregnant… * I’d like a date with X, I'd like to give her these choices. Would you like to do it? If so, please check one. To gaze into eyes, to talk, to dance, to hug, to touch one finger, to touch more fingers, hold hands, to sit for awhile separated by some miles at an agreed upon time, to acknowledge the common ground right now where we are, to wrestle (see who is stronger, arms and legs), to prove I am stronger arms and legs, to argue about how to conceive protection of solitude, to make out, to get married, to have a do-date according to the structure, other. * I am going to call Y to arrange a date. specific questions for her. would you like a simple do-date following the normal structure (best as i can do)? would you like to hug, kiss, wrestle, talk, meet before or after in a public place, lie side by side touching barely? fuck, make love, make out? what would you like? would you like to teach me what you know? would you like me to talk about solitude? * oh, no .. i said way too much! ... haven't .. 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