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Subject: vulnerability

Author:
kristen

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Date Posted: 15:36:05 10/16/04 Sat
In reply to: Suz 's message, "love your vunerable side" on 10:54:48 10/16/04 Sat

Vulnerability.

i felt that last night my skin was on the ground as a costume dropped to the floor and lay draped around my ankles.

The demo was like bathing in love. And as Nicole said, your mind will present all the reasons not to show up for the lovebath. Everything you cant possibly love about yourself because a poster for a hatred and self-abuse movement...

For me, i lived in this community for a year. And i am not sure i ever allowed myself to be vulnerable. As long as i was using there was no need.

Now having given up my drug, a day at a time, i get to feel all that stuff i bolted the other direction from on a daily basis.

Seeing a friend i treated like i treated myself while using, like a mean bitch, i wanted to say wait i am not a mean bitch right now, i just love you and i want you to trust me.

But trust takes time to build. I never really got that in my life til now. Now that i am attempting to build it with myself. If my word means something to me, then it will mean something to another, and if it doesnt it doesnt.

I want to just fast forward to a time that I hope God willing lies in the future where me and my friend can look at eachother and have an authentic friendship where what happened in the past doesnt lie in our minds as a voice of constant threat for repeat.

I tried everything i could think of to wake up and get happy. Energy healers, psychotherapy, career counselors, avatar work, massage, bodyworkers, belly dancing, shopping, food, exercise, group therapy, women's circles, following gurus, sexual therapists, spiritual counseling, course after course in transformation of this and that from landmark to arete to motherwavework, to church! to ...you name it...I tried Vipassana meditation, sitting for ten hours a day for ten days --for thirty days, it didnt work to improve my relationships, because it was still just about me and me. I had no mirror) I tried yoga everyday for a year straight. It didnt work to improve my relationships. Not like "doing".

Through the practice of "doing" and through having a growing community continually setting up structures to support ongoing daily practice and spiritual expansion through group events and spontaneous gatherings, i have seen my world blast open and the truth fountain out in front of me in me and around me and in all others surrounding me or whose paths cross me. I have seen that life is full of total mystery and my body holds the key and the key turns and turns and the pleasure is infinite. The looking glass offers a kaleidascope of colors.
Thank you Ally, Thank you Nicole. YOu opened my heart and body deeply last night. I love you so much. K

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