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Subject: power

Author:
kb

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Date Posted: 22:49:42 07/11/04 Sun

I realized after talking to nicole yesterday the exact moments when i implode (ie-check out, run hide eat).

I implode very soon after i have felt the enormous power that i have - what happens is in some way i manifest powerfully in the world, an enrollment conversation or a way i support a friend or coworker. Or a way i talk to a stranger. I feel how powerful i actually am and then there is this spiral. I feel the high and then the spiral is this conversation in my head that i will not be able to follow through or be consistent or show up or meet peoples expectations or look good enough or be smart enough or be countonable or be liked- that i will be judged and disliked and that i do a really really bad job and be the joke of the town and that i will totally fail. And then i say to myself why bother with all that potential hurt. Why risk? I dont wanna fail. I dont wanna look bad! As if the game i have been playing doesnt hurt...There is more to life and i know it.
Dear God tonight i pray for faithfulness and trust.

There was this moment I felt my power so enormously last night. I was on a date with A. A is a great date. He knows how to put his attention on a woman and let her talk about herself for hours. He knows how to stay in control and create menus and give a woman what she wants and give her compliments and nice dinners and the royal treatment. Which I love. And what was also fun about going out with him was this particular experience where i felt my power. I mostly play submissive and let him guide when i am with him. I enjoy tihs sensation of being taken care of and he enjoys the taking care. Provider. Provided for. But there were a few moments where everything changed. What happened was my attention on him increased like tenfold. I took it off myself and put it on him. And he suddenly looked small and i felt big. And he laughed and squirmed a little in his seat at Le Colonial, where we were having dinner. And all he said was God i just started to feel really shy.

And a few moments later we were back to normal size and he said you just became like the sun and i was blinded. And i said i started to put all my attention on you. Before and most of our moments together are and were spent with him putting his attention on me, he is really good at that. He is good at leading I am good at being submissive. that is a familiar game. And the energy of me in my power and the experience i had of him seeming small and shy was beautiful because he became so vulnerable and my heart opened and i felt closer to him but there was also judgement - like he is not the big date man anymore, he is just a guy just a being just like anyone else. He has weaknesses and sometimes gets insecure and doesnt know what to say. That energy though that we dropped into for those few moments was extraordinary and explosive. And deep and grounded and real and beautiful.

K

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