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Subject: coming and going

Author:
Kristen

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Date Posted: 00:57:10 08/15/04 Sun

Desire

since moving to sf i have noticed the enormous movement inside me

thoughts of separation. Judgements of self and others. Thoughts of being out. Thoughts that i could not have everything i want AND live in community.

Then time passed and new thoughts arrived. A friend held space for me to say all the thoughts that prevented me from seeing clearly. Then i remembered that i just do what i want. It is that simple. I am always making decisions based on what i want.

And when i could get to that, i could get that no one else is involved. I am a beginner here as a person living with the awareness of the hell i create when i dont tell the truth.

I am a beginner in living with feelings. All the myriad of sexual desires, the myriad of emotions, the myriad of thoughts that say i am wrong. And the experience where my body builds up its defense mechanisms inside to fight agains some sort of attack that is not actually happening, only happening from inside. All an illusion but real in my body.

Since moving in with my friend in SF, i have learned that i can just choose change any time. And that i make a lot of decisions based on my own self judgements that i project on to others.

I love getting closer to my roommate. I love getting closer to my dad. I love knowing that the universe is safe, and that i am its student. I love knowing my friends are successfully creating an incredible business across the street from where i work. I love seeing them out the window. I love that sometimes i feel sad and sometimes i feel open and sometimes i feel like hiding. I love that sometimes i hate this about myself.

I love what God has revealed to me so far in life. I love learning.
Kristen

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Replies:

Subject	Author	Date
Being	Rock	10:35:32 08/16/04 Mon
Roommates -- kristen, 13:12:06 08/16/04 Mon