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Date Posted: 05:14:08 10/29/06 Sun
Author: Richard
Author Host/IP: adsl-75-45-197-228.dsl.sfldmi.sbcglobal.net / 75.45.197.228
Subject: I wonder how long will I live if I don't kill myself...

Boy, I didn’t think that I was going to make it yesterday. My arms and hands have been red for a long while. The doc after tests could not diagnose the problem. Now, my arms and hands are much more red, especially my hands, both sides. My doc scheduled more tests. Yesterday morning, I awoke in a strange mood, a very strange one. I went for a heart stress test. That is up to a four hour test. They called in another patient for one before me at the same appointment time. It got to be 25 minutes past my appointment time. I pitched a bitch. There is a $250 fee for missing an appointment. I told them I kept my appointment; it is they who are not keeping the appointment. The tech failed two needle sticks into my veins for The injection of radioactive junk for the heart test. She said she would give my veins ten minutes to rest… jeez! She went and attended the other patient. I pitch another bitch. I was way too angry for the event of the moment. The little inconvenience did not warrant how mad I was. I came to recognized this and better behaved. I was fighting the sense of anger though. Something else was fueling the extreme anger. I did well though. They had to stick me seven times to get a second injection of the radioactive junk. They applauded me for being a good patient to endure seven sticks with a good attitude. Only, my attitude was awful, I just did not act it out. Later in the day, my son came over to borrow 20 bucks. I had the T.V. on. I was channel surfing. My son started watching an old horror movie. I turned the T.V. off and said that we weren’t going to watch a movie together that I really wanted to be alone. He stayed for a few more minutes. I commend him though. He seemed to understand and left with hugs. When he first got here it would have been a mess. In the mood I was in, I did not want my hard feelings about how costly he is to come out. I was avoiding people big time. It is 5:00 a.m. I could have gone biking out at the park. I wimped out though. I don’t feel like fighting the strong wind. I am waiting to go to the coffee house at 7:00 a.m. to be around people a bit to find out it is alright to be near people. I am not feeling so angry now. At least I think that I am not. It would have not been hard to do suicide yesterday; much easier than when I am feeling horribly depressed. Thanks for reading all of this.

RICHARD

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