Re: Struggling Part II (the boyfriend) -- CastawaysII

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Date Posted: 16:54:00 12/08/08 Mon
Author: Sandy
Author Host/IP: 75-138-109-074.dhcp.hckr.nc.charter.com / 75.138.109.74
Subject: Re: Struggling Part II (the boyfriend)
In reply to: Liz 's message, "Re: Struggling Part II (the boyfriend)" on 11:21:51 12/08/08 Mon

Thanks Liz. I appreciate your thoughts.

I think that in my life there have been many times that I didn't see what was right in front of me because I was looking for the "perfect" whatever that was going to solve everything, make me happy and everything would be wonderful. I'm an idealist, always have been and no way to change it.

A dear friend of mine who has known me since our boys were babies told me something a couple weeks ago that kind of hit home. She said that most people she knows (including herself) look at what they have and work with that if it's going pretty good. Maybe they accept things for what they are. But she told me that I always seem to be looking for some deeper meaning, for that perfect relationship and she thinks that I keep getting disappointed because my expectations are so high. That isn't to say people should always settle but maybe being more "realistic" instead of being so "idealistic" is the key. No prince charming is going to ride up on his white horse, whisk me away and make life a fairy tale because it isn't a fairy tale. In every relationship there will be things that you think could be better. No two individuals are going to be perfectly in harmony all the time. But maybe having someone who treats me nicely, who is there for me, someone I can count on should be enough.

What is love? Honestly as much as I loved Matt's dad during the 14 years we were together, there were times I wasn't sure it was so much "in love" as being used to each other, having a history and enjoying the companionship. I would have never left him (I don't think) but it wasn't a breathless butterflies in your stomach kind of thing. It was at first but it settles into something else.

With every relationship I've been in, at first it was the strong physical attraction and wanting to be around the person all the time, looking at things with blinders on but after enough time went by their faults show up just as I'm sure mine do. The key was whether there was anything left after that initial infatuation wore off.

I'm always looking for what is going to make me happy and I think I see the grass as greener somewhere else or in another situation but usually once I get there I see it wasn't any better, if as good, as where I was before. The key is internal, not external. If I knew how to be happy in myself I could be happy in a lot of situations.

Anyway, I've had so many bad experiences with relationships I think I don't try as hard to be close to anyone. And I'm not sure I can fall in love anymore, if I ever did to begin with. It seems to be a family trait. I think maybe it has to do with the way we grew up. We weren't shown love so we don't know what it is or how to feel it. Both of my brothers and my sister say they aren't sure they know what love is. My sister thought she was in love with her husband when she married him but they hadn't dated long... a couple months. Not long after she married him, she wished she hadn't but yet she's stuck with it for 2 1/2 years because she isn't sure she wants to give up and be alone either. And she says there were a lot of times she didn't know if she loved the father of her kids, the man she was with for 16 years.

It seems the only love we're sure we feel is the love for our kids. I know I love my son. I don't ever wonder about that. But it's the intimate type of love that I seem to have trouble with.

Joe is a nice guy and we enjoy a lot of the same things. Is it a breathless type of love? No. But then I think that the older we get it starts to be more about companionship because no one really wants to grow old alone.

I wish I could learn to see what is in front of me instead of dreaming of some wonderful idealistic perfect situation that doesn't exist. When I talk to other married people, things aren't perfect for them. They have ups and downs. That is life.

Not sure what I'll do about Joe but I'm still thinking.

Funny you should mention beaded jewelry. That's something I'm really interested in learning. Did you take a class or learn on your own?

And I also love animals. I've thought about seeing if I could get involved with the no-kill animal shelter in the next county. The shelter here is small and I know they don't keep the animals long. I get so attached to animals in no time at all. I can't work with animals that are going to be put down because I'd be broken hearted all the time. I'd be miserable thinking about them. But a no kill shelter would be a good idea because I wouldn't be constantly worrying about them not finding homes and being put to sleep.

So, married life is treating you good then? I'm happy for you.

Talk to you later,
Hugs,
Sandy

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Replies:

Re: Struggling Part II (the boyfriend) -- Liz, 15:49:20 12/10/08 Wed
- Re: Struggling Part II (the boyfriend) -- Sandy, 16:05:14 12/23/08 Tue