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Date Posted: 13:06:54 07/30/07 Mon
Author: Tint
Subject: Re: Religion
In reply to: klutz 's message, "Re: Religion" on 19:39:23 07/26/07 Thu

I read these responses over the phone to my mother in AZ who has been supportive throughout this whole ordeal. She saw me at my worst with Sheena and Tera and is the person with the most consistent insight into the unfolding events that have led to the present situation. She is the one who found the rehab I attended.

While she was impressed with many of the responses, she found yours to be the most prescient and to the point.

However, the problem is this. If my kids were my higher power, it already would have worked. If I put them before myself, I would never have devolved into this predicament. As sad as it sounds, I don't care enough about my predicament's effect on them to change. And I can't just "make them (my) higher power."

In rehab they told us we can't do it for anyone else. Treatment, they said, is only effective if you are doing it for yourself. Which is sort of in contradiction, in my opinion, with the Let go, let God maxim of AA. It sounds like you are doing it for God.

It is frequently said that an addict/alky needs to hit bottom before they really start the battle for recovery. Many of the counselors in rehab have 5, 10, 20 years of sobriety. Most had several stints in rehab before they had their epiphany. I hope my bottom doesn't include jail like EJ's friend.

As far as my kids as my higher power, I can say that when I had custody of them for 15 months during the legal wrangling preceding my divorce, I was still in control of myself. Both Brittany and Bradley remember those 15 months fondly, one of the happiest times of their lives. Seeing their faces every morning knowing they were counting on me to provide for them, to attend their school events and extracurriculars, to show them love and attention - it did make a huge difference. But now I only see them on occasion and looking at photos is just not the same. I know they are well taken care of by their mother, they are both doing great, and my daily struggles do not affect them inasmuch as they are unaware.

Thank you for your reply. I don't think I am going to find a higher power. I think I just have to wait until I am sick and tired of this shit enough that I am more willing to suffer through the withdrawals and the boredom that accompany sobriety than to suffer through the status quo of substance abuse.

>I think your kids are your higher power. Keep faith
>with them because they're the world to you. You want
>to be worth something in their eyes.
>
>Find your favorite picture of them and specifically
>tell their images each day that you're not going to
>use a chemical because you want to be the dad they
>deserve. When you get an urge to hit the bottle, think
>of them, take a deep breath, curse a blue streak, then
>do something else.
>
>To me, that's faith. Your higher power is their
>respect.

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