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Date Posted: 00:43:57 03/07/99 Sun
Author: "Leatherneck" Lance Hawkins
Subject: I can't fly to the Super Card? How about a RED-EYE?

We join the BTW's newest member, "Leatherneck" Lance Hawkins, at the San Diego Airport. He pulls his Jeep Wrangler up to the loading curb.

Police Officer: The loading curb is for loading and unloading only...

Leatherneck: Stuff it. This will only take a minute.

The automatic doors open as "Leatherneck" strolls through. Sporting camoflage pants, a white t-shirt, and a black-and-white "Semper Fi" hat, Hawkins sticks out like a sore thumb.

He tracks down the American Airline booth. Much to his dismay, there's the typical weekend crowd in line.

Leatherneck: Damn this. Last thing I need is another friggin' parking ticket.

A little boy approaches "Leatherneck."

Boy: Hey, you're that famous wrestler...

Leatherneck: (smirking) My first fan. Damn, I haven't a wrestler for more than a day, and I get recognized. You want an autograph, son?

Boy: Sure! How about my plane ticket?

Leatherneck: Sure thing, kid. But let's keep moving in line. Us wrestlers have places to go.

The little boy moves forward in line, his parents keeping a watchful eye.

Leatherneck: (signing the ticket) Who should I make this out to?

Boy: Chris. I'm 6. I've watched all your fights.

"Leatherneck" has a confused look on his face. "All your fights"? Hell, he hasn't even wrestled one match.

Boy: Your Stone Cold Stunner is the coolest move!

Leatherneck: My what??? Boy, are you smokin' weed?

Boy: You're "Stone Cold" Steve Au--

Leatherneck: No. No, I'm not. What the hell made you think that?

Boy's Mom: Sir, watch your mouth!

Leatherneck: Does this conversation include you, Miss? No, I don't think so. Sit back and drink a glass of "Butt Out" while I talk to the kid.

Boy: B-b-b-ut you have a shaved head...

Leatherneck: So does Kojak. Wise up, kid. I'm Lance Hawkins.

Boy: Who?

Leatherneck: You know, "Leatherneck."

Boy: You mean from "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"?

Leatherneck: No, no, no, no, no! Nevermind. Get the hell out of my way (pushing kid aside). My jeep's gonna get towed.

"Leatherneck" makes his way to the front counter. A perky little Airline Ticket Agent awaits. Her nametag reads "Suzie."

Leatherneck: New York City, one-way.

Suzie: Okie-doke. Let's see what we've got here.

Leatherneck: I need this ticket five minutes ago, lady. Let's put some hustle behind that muscle. Move it.

Suzie: One-way... to New York City... when will you be departing?

Leatherneck: Now. Let's move, lady. I've got a flashlight cop who'd like nothing better than to tow my ass.

Suzie: I see... Well, it looks like we're booked up. We can get you on a flight to New York on...

Leatherneck: Did I stutter? I need this flight now!

Suzie: I can put you on a flight to New Orleans. Will that work?

Leatherneck: Tell you what, here's an idea: Put me on a flight to New York City to-freakin-day.

Suzie: We have a 3:15 departing for New Delhi. Will that do?

"Leatherneck" slams his fist against the counter and walks away. As he leaves, he kicks down the guard-ropes.

Leatherneck: Looks like I'm driving to Madison Square Garden.

Hawkins walks through the door, only to find a ticket on his jeep's windshield. The police officer has his arms crossed, grinning.

Police Officer: The loading zone is for loading and un--

Leatherneck: I oughta "Red-Eye" your sorry ass.

Police Officer: If you don't move your car immediately, I'll be forced to... hey, what are you doing???

"Leatherneck" picks of the officer before he has a chance to react. He lifts him over his right shoulder.

Leatherneck: This is a little doozy us Marines like to call the Red-Eye Special.

Hawkins runs with the officer over his shoulder, and slams him into the automatic doors.

Leatherneck: It's named after the "RED-EYE," a shoulder-mounted missile pack. Fitting, ain't it?

Onlookers cheer as "Leatherneck" shreds his parking ticket and speeds off.

Bonk...... Bonk...... Bonk.....

The automatic doors continue to open and close on the officer's head as the scene comes to a close.

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