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Date Posted: 16:34:01 08/02/01 Thu
Author: Kelley P
Subject: Crossroads--Chapter 36

Well this is the first I've been writing consecutively like this. This latest chapter is more of a retrospective one so I hope you enjoy it. I haven't started the next chapter yet but hopefully it won't be terribly long.

Kelley

Crossroads: Chapter 36

She was here again. She felt the presence of the voice around her but it was quiet. The only difference was, she was someplace else. She walking among the graveyard, the one where her mother had been buried. She walked among the tree and headstones. Seeing the names, the dates of birth, death and life in between.

Soon, she came upon the grave of her mother. It was strange. She felt a very deep loss for her mother but yet at the same time she understood the ties her mother had to the only people she had known as her family. Still, a mother is blood and that was something she would never forget. Yet, seeing all of the death that surrounded her she also felt a sense of living. She remembered trying to run away from dealing with it but, he stopped her. He made her face that with which she refused to. With his help, she had come to accept her mother’s death..

With the gentle whistling of the wind, she was suddenly standing on the pier. She remembered how much her heart hurt with the pain of losing her husband that night. She had believed she was in love when she married him. Thought she had everything she could have ever wanted…until he hurt her. Then, she remembered that he told her she deserved more. He told her she didn’t deserve the way her husband had treated her. She remembered fighting that also. She had tried to tell herself that he would never hurt her, he would never betray her, but he made her see the stone cold reality of it. She faced it that night on the pier, with him.. by her side.

Another breeze floated through the air and now, she was in the meadow. Sunset was fading into a purplish night sky. The flowers rustled around her as she recalled another memory. She remembered the feeling of true happiness for the first time in her life here. A time when she didn’t feel pain, didn’t feel hurt. She had allowed herself to feel happy.. and free. She was free from her marriage, free from the pain of losing her mother, and she was free.. just to be herself. It was the moment she had kept beside her all these months thereafter. It was.. an awakening. She glided closer as if some force were moving her near it. Then.. out of the corner of her eye, she saw it.

The swing. It was a warm night when they had sat on the swing. Swaying forward and backward as the breeze had teased them. She remembered it as if it were yesterday. She was extremely hesitant to admit what she felt. The unease had settled itself in her stomach, along with the butterflies floating around. She believed her heart would never stop fluttering but willed it all to go away. But it was also then that she admitted to herself she felt something for him. She just wasn’t sure what exactly. She was scared of asking herself the questions, and even more afraid of the answers she would tell herself. So she denied it then, and continued to deny it. Until now.

Then, in a sudden leap, she was in darkness. She struggled to adjust her eyes to the night, her vision fixated on a shiny metal object. There was a figure in the corner of it. And shininess of the object was .. in front of it. She heard the faint music of a haunting melody on the radio. She struggled to see clearly the image before her. Then, she saw what the object was. A razor blade. She couldn’t make the figure out. She only saw that the person had tear stained cheeks simply because of the faint moonlight reflection on them. Then, she saw a reflection of someone that she knew. It was.. her.

“oh my god.. that’s.. it’s.. “ Carrie couldn’t believe what she was seeing. The voice of the unnamed presence suddenly surrounded her in a rush of words. Her head began swirling at the thought.

“you. It’s you sitting in that corner Carrie. That night.. don’t you remember?”

Then the memories flooded her of that night.. The images of her mother. She was back.. for a fleeting moment she was back in her life. She went to call for her but then everything slowed. Seeing the car, blinding headlights racing down the road. She scanned the image of her mother and the car. The fear had taken her over. She ran to call out to her. Only.. it wasn’t fast enough. Then.. it had happened. The car collided with her mother throwing her body to the ground in one swift moment. And she.. had just stood there.

The memories came rushing back in droves.

Then she was in the bedroom, clutching the razor blade. Why had she stopped? Why had she not pushed her out of the way? Why?? The questions were continuing as she sat in the corner. All the unanswered ones she kept asking. And she wanted her mother more than she ever had in her life in those moments.. She wanted to be with her.. make up for all the times she had lost through the years. She wanted to try to put the past behind her in that fleeting moment of realization that her mother was alive. She had a chance.. and she had let it pass by. She sat with her knees bent up beneath her grieving for the times she would never have, the mother she would never come to know ever again. She didn’t want that, she wanted to know her, wanted to see her smile, see everything her mother was. And this was the way. She could be with her then, her mother could be there for her. She could feel the arms that had once loved her, hear the voice that would comfort her fears.

“But.. I’m not.. “ Carrie hesitated. The voice was comforting.

“But what Carrie? Say it.” The voice gently urged her onward.

“I’m not that woman anymore.”

“No.. you’re not. Do you realize what I’ve been telling you all this time?”

“I know I have a life to lead.”

“And you have much more inside of you waiting to be discovered Carrie. You’re right. You do have a life ahead of you. You can’t live in fear of what may or may not happen in the future. You have a chance at a life you’ve always dreamed of. These memories are not about Mike, Carrie. They’re about you.

“Me??”

“Yes… they’re about you. The strong, independent spirit that lives inside you. The one you’ve hidden deeply inside your heart. They’re about the happiness of the life you long for. And also.. about the love that’s waiting for you …now Mike was merely the catalyst to to help you realize things he already knew existed within you. But he also knew you needed to see these things for yourself. He knew you needed to experience everything on your own.”

With a newfound sense of pride, she smiled, lifted her chin and felt a sense of relief flooding her inside outside and completely around her. It was something she had never felt before in her life. She knew what she had to do now. She closed her eyes silently and in those few moments, she felt the most wonderful feeling rippling through her entire body. She felt the breeze of a gentle wind whispering to her soul.

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