| Subject: Full Circle C1/6 |
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fananicfan
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Date Posted: 07:24:57 08/17/07 Fri
In reply to:
fananicfan
's message, "Full Circle...Next in the series" on 17:55:08 08/16/07 Thu
Chapter One – Beware the Ides of March
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I've been in Naples for two full days, and now, in the middle of my third, I'm on a gurney in the emergency room of the Naples Naval Hospital with my leg elevated by a pillow. As I lay here, a line from Julius Caesar is echoing in my head, 'Beware the Ides of March.'
It wasn’t work that landed me here, unless you want to say it was work related because I was running before getting ready for work this morning when the injury occurred. I’d been running, trying to process all that's been happening in the past four weeks and was too distracted to notice that my foot was about to land half on and half off an uneven section of sidewalk. I went down hard, but seemingly uninjured. I cussed as I stood up. I decided that running on unfamiliar sidewalks, even on the base while distracted, wasn’t the best idea. I turned around and jogged back to my quarters. I managed to get through the morning, but by lunchtime, I could hardly walk. My knee was swollen and painful. Commander Manetti said that it was probably nothing, but suggested that I get it checked out this afternoon so that I’d be in top shape for the general’s visit and inspection on Monday. Her suggestion came in a tone that told me that, if I didn't go, she'd call my wife.
In my relocation plan, I’d built in extra time to allow for contingencies - allocating money and time for contingencies was the useful thing that I learned from dating Rene - which we haven’t needed, so we're in the middle of the final week of transition, one full week earlier than expected. General Cresswell is coming in to meet with me and inspect the new office on Monday morning.
I’ve seen the doctor, but he ordered an x-ray, and I’m waiting for my turn in radiology. I lay my head back against the pillow to search for a good reason why things seem to be going from bad to worse. Of course, the search for the answer to that question is really why am I here, but, at least reclined on this gurney, I can’t take out the other knee while I’m mulling it over.
Considering the separate way that we live our life, things had been good. Since Mac and I had our argument in mid-January, I’ve made an effort to get back into the email habit and try to communicate with her more about my half of our life, and they keep me informed about their half, but being informed isn't the same as being there. In the past…I stop to ponder the last couple of ‘good news’ emails that I got to pinpoint the time frame.
I think of a section from Mac’s email on the night of Mattie’s dance, February 10th:
*****
Mattie wore the charm bracelet that I gave her to the dance tonight. She hasn’t worn it since our fight at Thanksgiving. Not only are we getting along better than before, we're closer than I could’ve hoped for.
*****
Then I recall a part of Mattie’s email that she wrote to me on Valentine’s Day evening:
*****
Mac's been walking around all dreamy-eyed with a silly smile on her face since she got home. When I asked her about it, she said, "Valentine's Day is such a sweet and romantic holiday, isn't it?"
*****
The memories of those emails make me smile and help ease the pain in my swollen knee. The next email I remember is the one that Mac had written two days before they'd left for their trip to Blacksburg.
***** FLASHBACK ******
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 15th, 2006
Dear Harm,
I spoke with Harriet today and asked if we could skip lunch because of the drive, but Harriet is dying to meet Tyler and wouldn't let me off the hook. We've been invited to the Roberts' family dinner on Sunday afternoon. AJ is Tyler's age, so I think he'll like it, but I don't know how Mattie will feel about it. I thought if she really doesn't want to go, I'll let her stay at the hotel while Tyler and I go to Bud and Harriet’s. I'll talk to Mattie about it tomorrow.
Mattie helped your mother at the gallery yesterday, and your mother has offered her a job. She’ll work a couple hours after school two days a week and half a day on Saturday. She’ll work tomorrow and all three days starting Tuesday. No Saturday this week because of our trip. Trish is paying her ten dollars an hour for doing a little receptionist work: answering the phone and some filing. I think it's Trish's way of giving Mattie money without giving it to her. Frank spoils her in his way, too. Whenever he picks her up from school, he always lets her drive. The job just gives him an excuse to pick her up more often. Since she’s gotten her permit, if he has to pick her up for any reason, he lets her drive to wherever they’re going. He says that he lets her drive because she needs to log her 'behind the wheel time' before she can get her license, but that doesn't explain why he always brings his little sporty “cool” car.
Speaking of your parents, tonight was our weekly dinner. Knowing that you’d talked to them on Saturday evening, I was prepared to talk about Tyler and I even remembered to take along the pictures that you sent me. They did ask questions about Tyler, mostly things about what he liked and when his birthday was. They seem to be taking the news about our adopting Tyler pretty well. The thing that your mother asked that wasn't about Tyler was if we wanted children of our own at any point or if we were planning to only adopt. I told them that, though we wanted children of our own, it might not be possible and I explained why. I wasn’t sure what they’d say, but they were very supportive. They offered to help in any way they could, including financially, for us to have a baby of our own, and then they turned the conversation back to Tyler and what they could do to help us get him. When we told them that the purpose of Mattie's and my trip this weekend was to see Tyler, Frank was ready to book a flight to go with us, but your mother said that she's preparing for a new artist’s show next weekend and can't get away. Frank seemed very disappointed, but he wants me to find out if Tyler can come to visit us here soon.
I've sure been long winded tonight, so I'd better cut this off now so that you can get to work.
Love,
Mac
***** END FLASHBACK *****
Though it sounded like my parents did understand that they might not be grandparents to a child of our own, she shouldn’t have had to tell them without me there. After reading that email, I wished that the internet could be used to hug someone, because I would’ve sent one to Mac. I sent my apology for not being there, but it didn’t make me feel any better. Another time when I should've been there was to meet Mattie's date. If those two times weren't bad enough, it's worse now. Mac's already attached to Tyler, and if I’m not happy about the way things are, then Mac's hurting badly, and, once again, I'm not where I should be. I’ll talk to the general on Monday to see about taking some leave in April.
A young corpsman enters my cubicle and says, “Captain Rabb, I’m here to take you to get your x-ray. Since the doctor doesn’t want to risk further injury to that knee, I’m going to wheel you to radiology on the gurney.”
As I’m wheeled down the corridor, my mind fast forwards through the Saturday call, wonderful emails and photos that I got over the Presidents’ Day Weekend. While in Blacksburg, Mac had driven Mattie by her house there before picking up Tyler on Saturday morning. Mattie’s father had been home, and they’d spoken for a few minutes. Knowing that Tom was still among the living had eased a worry that Mattie had had for many months. By all accounts, Mac, Tyler and Mattie, even though she'd had to miss a second date with Paul, all had a great time.
Aside from the stress of moving the office from London to Naples, it all sounds pretty good until you get to last week, the 7th or 8th of March, when Mac called. She’d heard from Ms. LeMoine and said that a hearing was scheduled for the end of this month, the 28th, when a decision will be made on whether or not to place Tyler in our home on a trial basis to be monitored by the local agency for six months before the adoption can be finalized. Mac said that the problem is a psychologist's report. Mac also told me that, if we don't have a way to counteract it, the adoption process will probably be halted. Ms. LeMoine told Mac that she felt that Tyler belonged with us, and that's the reason why she was 'leaking' the report to us. She wanted us to supply her with any information that could be offered in our defense. If we don't have a defense, we're going to lose Tyler.
After speaking with Tyler, a psychologist submitted a report that was the only strike against us, but one that the committee would take very seriously, according to Ms. LeMoine. The lack of paternal involvement was the doctor’s concern. Strong maternal bonds at younger ages aren't uncommon or harmful. However, at Tyler’s age, this doctor felt that having only maternal influence wouldn’t be helpful. The report said things such as, ‘A part-time dad isn’t in the boy’s best interest, especially since the visits from the father will be sporadic. This type of in and out visitation lacks structure and isn’t a stable environment for a young boy.’ Another few lines that were quoted to us included, ‘The boy might see Mr. Rabb's intermittent visits as an invasion in the sense that he'd feel that Mr. Rabb was invading his home and "stealing" his mother's attention away from him. This could lead to his being unable to see adult men as authority figures as he matures. This problem would manifest itself in conflicts with male role models such as teachers and principals in his teens, and could continue with male supervisors in adulthood.'
All I heard during our conversation at the time was, we aren’t going to get Tyler and it's my fault. I then reverted back to my natural pattern. I buried myself in work and, since moving the office was a big project, I had no trouble filling my days and not thinking about the situation at all. Now that the big project is coming to an end and the month is drawing to a close, I realize that I haven't even been trying to think of a plan to get Tyler.
I'm still distracted. I've been moving and adjusting to the positions that the x-ray technician has been putting me in without really knowing what's going on, but as I feel the gurney move, I realize that the corpsman is pushing me back down the corridor.
We reach the cubicle, and he says, "The doctor will come in and give you the findings of the x-ray as soon as he can." Then he pulls that blue/green curtain around so that I can't see anyone.
Alone again, I'm back to my reflections. The end of the month is closing in fast, and I need to deal with the situation, not just for my sake, but for Mac and Tyler's, too.
I guess the first thing I need to decide is why it's taken me this long to begin this analysis. Is it because I don't really want Tyler after all? Is it because I don't want us to start a fight that we may not win, making it harder for everyone in the end? If I was so driven to finish the relocation project that I couldn't or didn't think about this problem sooner, am I ready to be a dad? Mac wasn't crying, but she was upset when she called last week, and I know that she doesn't want to lose him. I guess that leads to another set of questions. If we don't get Tyler, will she blame me? When they wouldn't release her from her service, I could have requested retirement. I'd be out by now if I had instead of waiting for an appropriate billet to open up in San Diego, but I wanted to stay in the Navy. If we don't get him, will I blame myself? Can our marriage stand the loss?
The doctor's here. I need to pay attention to what he says about my knee so, once again, I have to put this aside.
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