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Date Posted: 00:21:04 09/02/14 Tue
Author: Alicia
Subject: August Challenge - Say Something

Standard disclaimers. However I take full credit for all mistakes and irregularities.

The song is Say Something by A Great Big World with Christina Aguilera, although I prefer the Boyce Avenue cover. The song was not around in 2004—but this is fiction :-).


Friday, October 15, 2004
North of Union Station
0200 ZULU

Harm settled in for the evening feeling a bit restless and out of sorts. Friday nights were tougher when Mattie went back to Blacksburg to visit her dad for the weekend. As much as he knew the right thing for Mattie was for her to reunite with Tom, knowing and feeling were two different things. In his mind, each weekend just brought him one step closer to losing her. Even the budget reports he had brought home to keep him occupied were not having their usual dulling effect. The saving grace of the evening would be the phone call he knew he would soon receive.

The one constant over the last couple of months was her. How did that happen? Somehow, they had settled into an unspoken routine of phone calls on Tuesdays and Fridays. He would call on Tuesday, and she would call on Friday. If he was away on an investigation they reverted to IMs and email. Even the times they called each other became predictable. He knew he still had about a half hour according to his watch, so he jumped into the shower. He emerged ready in a pair of sweats and his favorite worn GO NAVY t-shirt. He grabbed himself a cold beer out of the refrigerator and took a seat on the couch making busy with his paperwork.

Like clockwork, the phone rang.

“Hello.”

“Hey sailor.”

“Hey yourself.”

“How are you doing tonight?”

“I’m hangin’ in. You?”

“The same,” she said with a hint of a sad sigh in her voice. “So big plans for tonight?”

“The biggest. I’m sitting here and talking to you.”

She smiled at the thought.

“Is Mattie off to Blacksburg?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s tough, I know.”

“It is, but it’s not about me.”

“She’s so fortunate to have someone like you in her life.”

“Maybe. So tell me what the plans are.”

As Harm diverted the attention off of him, they settled into easy conversation. If anyone would have told him two months ago that they would be sharing these conversations now, he would have thought them crazy. Then again, the events of his life would often confound him.

It started when she called late one Tuesday night. She wasn’t even sure why she made the call. Other than a postcard or a note here and there, they had not spoken in about 2-1/2 years, since he watched her leave the courtroom. Hearing her voice on the other end of the phone was definitely a surprise for Harm, as was the quick realization of how much he did indeed miss her. He couldn’t immediately pinpoint it, but she was different somehow. He guessed they both were.

Renee again was to become a presence in his life. As fate would have it, she would be returning to Washington at the invitation of the Navy to do another recruiting commercial. Her husband was killed in a car accident four months prior to her call, leaving Renee a single mom of twins. He did leave her well-off, but Cyrus’ death left such a large void in her life that she decided to resume her career in an effort to fill it. The call from the Navy came at just the right time for Renee, and maybe in a strange way, for Harm too.

There were no thoughts or inklings of romance in the air between the two. It was simply a rekindling of a friendship, when maybe the both of them needed it the most. Renee was dealing with the loss of her husband. Harm was steeling himself for the loss of Mattie, and still reeling from another rejection by Mac.

“So is Mac ok with me staying with you until my sublet is available and I can bring the kids out?”

Harm felt his body tense with the shift in the conversation to Mac. “Mac doesn’t get a vote.”

“So you still haven’t told her I am coming out?”

“Renee, I don’t want to talk about Mac tonight.”

“Too late.”

“I could hang up on you, you know.”

“But you won’t,” she replied.

He could hear her grin in her voice, and responded in kind, “You’re right…for now.”

“Why the interest in Mac, Renee?”

“Oh.. I still don’t like her… but maybe I want you to have your miracle like I did.”

“Even if it’s with her?”

“Yes.” She emphasized, “Even if it’s with her… Harm, can I ask you a question?”

“Am I going to like it?”

“Um..probably not.”

“Can I stop you from asking it?”

“You should know better.”

“Go ahead Renee. I do, however, reserve the right not to answer.”

“Spoken like a true lawyer. Seriously though, Harm what do you think would have happened if I didn’t leave you?”

“I don’t know Renee,” Harm quietly answered, hoping his answer would suffice. It was an honest answer.

“I do. I would have missed one miracle trying to hang on to the hope of another. You know Harm, you were the first man I ever truly loved. When you were leaving after my dad’s funeral, I wanted you to say something, anything that would let me know there was going to be a happily ever after for us. Although you were the dutiful boyfriend that day, you didn’t. And something in me gave up the hope of us as you left. ”

Residual guilt started rising to the surface for Harm. “It wasn’t your fault Renee. I really never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not Harm, and you’re missing the point. If I would have kept hanging on, there would have been no miracle, and I would have been sorry. We would have ended somehow, at some time, and I would have missed out on the greatest, unlikeliest love I could ever hope to have in my life. I fought for you Harm. At times I was fighting you for you. I realized there comes a time when you have to give up. You, you aren’t fighting. You aren’t giving up. You are just hiding away in this holding pattern.“

“Maybe I’m tired of saying goodbye, Renee.”

“Trust me, I know the pain of goodbye.”

“I didn’t mean to…”

“No more apologies sailor. Goodbye is a horrible part of life, and I know you more than anyone knows that. But I wouldn’t have traded one moment Cyrus and I spent together to spare me the pain of saying goodbye to him, or to you. If Mac is truly your miracle go after it, if not maybe it is time to give up the ship.”

“Naval officers don’t give up the ship Renee. So what do you want me to cook for you when you come?”

Harm was done talking about Mac.

“Haarrmm…”

“Reneeeee...”

For the next few days Harm’s conversation with Renee played over again in his mind. In spite of the shadow of Mac in their relationship, she always had a way of reaching deep within him, and helping him to reach inside himself. He hated to admit it, but she was right. He would wait for Mac as long as it took, if only he knew... if only there was a sign of exactly what he was waiting for. Sooner or later the words never and I can’t have to be believed.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Driving back from Norfolk Naval
2000 ZULU

Although it was a lovely fall day, the temperature in the car was frigid on the cusp of freezing. Harm had been looking forward to this assignment, a rare one these days where he was partnered with Mac. He thought the hours in the car would give them an opportunity to talk, where neither one could walk away. Once again, things did not go as he planned.

It wasn’t unusual for them to disagree in an investigation, heck it wasn’t unusual for them to disagree on most things depending the day. Their relationship over the last year and a half was a mercurial extreme, if nothing else.
It started out ok. The trip down to Norfolk was filled with comfortable idle chatter. It then became a ‘Rabb what the heck were you thinking moment.’ He decided to share with Mac that Renee was back in his life, and would be returning to Washington with a layover at his place. Apparently some things were best left unsaid, and he still was wishing for those operating instructions.

The silence in the car on the drive back from Norfolk was deafening. He couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Are you going to say something?”

“What’s there to say?”

“I don’t know Mac, a lot. Or maybe nothing at all,” he said with a frustrated sigh.

He watched as she closed her eyes, putting an immediate end to their non-conversation. She found a way to walk away.

Anxious to have a distraction, any distraction he put the radio on, hoping to find peace in some music. Once again, he was wrong.

He didn’t recognize the song as it started, yet as it played it seemed it was written for him…for them…for now.

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Harm’s hands tightened on the wheel.

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

He looked over to her. She remained still with her eyes closed. He turned away.

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Little did he know every word was touching her. If it wouldn’t have ruined her illusion of sleep, she would have turned the radio off.

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

He suddenly felt Mac’s eyes upon him, and turned with a questioning look to meet her gaze. She immediately turned away. To him, at that moment, they could not have spoken any louder to each other.

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Mac cursed herself for the tears she felt welling in her eyes. ‘He’s not going to see me cry. Not again.’

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

When the song ended he turned off the radio, and they drove the rest of the way in silence. Harm was focusing on the road. Mac was pretending to sleep. Each of them lost in their thoughts of how they got to this place.

Sunday, October 24, 2004
Georgetown
2400 ZULU

He wasn’t even sure why he asked Mac to join them tonight. She wasn’t sure why she accepted the invitation. They had done their best to avoid each other since returning from Norfolk. While chaperoning Mattie and her best friend Ian was more duty than his idea of a great time, he thought maybe their presence could provide a buffer for him and Mac. Harm was wrong again.

Mattie got to choose the dinner venue, and she of course opted for her favorite – pizza. Like the dutiful dad he was, Harm didn’t balk. Mac was quiet, but it was a pleasant dinner. She seemed to relax as the evening progressed, even deciding what they needed was some ice cream and a walk. It was a beautiful night, and if truth be told she didn’t want to go back to her apartment. ‘So is this what a family with him would feel like?’ She wasn’t sure, but at least tonight she wasn’t in her apartment alone with her thoughts.

Mattie and Ian were oblivious to Harm and Mac’s presence. However, Harm immediately noticed when Ian slipped his hand into Mattie’s. As he and Mac exchanged knowing glances, the protective dad asked, “Can a best friend become your boyfriend?”

Mac smiled, “Sometimes…if you’re lucky”.

Harm stopped walking and looked down at the ground. “So have I run out of luck, Mac?”

“Harm?”

“Or is it that best friend no longer fits?”

“Harm, I don’t…..”

Raising his head to now look in her eyes, “Don’t what Mac? Don’t think we should talk about this, or don’t think that best friend fits anymore?”

“Harm, now isn’t the time……”

“Well one thing I think we both can agree on is that timing has never been our specialty.”

Wanting to avoid this discussion, she began to walk away from him. He gently grabbed her, and turned her to face him. “When is the time, Mac?”

“I don’t know.”

Still holding on to her, “I’d wait for you however long I need to. The problem is Mac, I don’t even know what I’m waiting for anymore. I just know we can’t keep going on like this. It’s not good for either one of us. ”

Mac felt her defenses rise, regretting immediately the words coming out of her mouth. “Is this about Renee?”

Her question took Harm by surprise, as Renee was the last person on his mind at the moment. He let go of her, “What? Renee? No...”

“Now that she is coming back...”

“Mac, this has nothing to do with Renee.”

“Harm can we please not talk about this now.”

Harm bit his lip, and took a deep breath. “I can’t do this anymore Mac.”

Seeing Mattie and Ian approaching, Harm and Mac did their best to put on fake smiles. “So...” Harm began. “How long did it take you two to realize you left us behind.” Mattie grinned, “Not long at all.” Harm gave her a discerning look. “How about we call it a night? We need to get you home Ian, and tomorrow is going to be a long day.”

They walked Mac to her car, and as they said their goodbyes the look in Harm’s eyes registered in Mac’s heart. It wasn’t just an ordinary goodbye.

Mac’s Apartment
0300 ZULU

Mac put on a pot of tea, trying to wrap her head around the way the evening ended.

‘What is wrong with you Mackenzie? God, you sounded like a jealous woman. Jealous of what? Just what do you want from him? Why do you always do this with him? You pull him close, only to push him farther away. And then the minute you think he’s interested in another woman… Can you blame him for giving up?'

Turning on the stereo she then sat down with her cup of tea. A now all too familiar song started to play.

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

The tears she wouldn’t cry in front of him began to fall as it hit her that this time was different. This time he really was giving up on her…on them. This goodbye would be different.

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

It was all in her hands now. Once again he left the ball in her court, but the difference this time is he was leaving the game. She reached for the phone and dialed his number.

“Rabb”

Mac took a deep breath. “Harm, it’s me…….”

**The End**

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Replies:

[> Tell me there is more ...please... -- Laurence, 07:08:25 09/02/14 Tue [1]


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[> I'm with Laurence on this - more please! -- Ciara, 10:27:30 09/02/14 Tue [1]


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[> I totally agree, more is needed -- Karen Joy, 02:09:44 09/03/14 Wed [1]

Interesting way of having Renee in this.


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[> Great start please please continue -- Beth, 18:47:36 09/03/14 Wed [1]


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[> This sure put a different spin on thier saga, really hope Mac has 'come to'. You won't leave us in limbo? -- JoyZ, 15:25:16 09/05/14 Fri [1]


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[> About The More -- Alicia, 00:01:57 09/06/14 Sat [1]

Thank y'all for reading my little foray into the angst of Harm and Mac.

That was the ending, for a variety of reasons.

However, after reading the comments I opened up to the possibility of bringing it to a conclusion. The pieces did start to form, and the story continues to unfold. So yes, there will be more.

I guess think of it like a season-ending cliffhanger, and we'll get to see how it ends together. :-)


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[> [> Good to hear Alicia, happy endings make me happy! -- JoyZ, 10:14:18 09/06/14 Sat [1]


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[> [> Good news! -- Longtime Jag fan, 23:04:57 09/07/14 Sun [1]


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[> [> Thank you Alicia for thegood news !! :) -- Laurence, 00:11:53 10/11/14 Sat [1]


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