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Date Posted: 15:18:03 03/04/06 Sat
Author: Sylvia Mohr Bartlett
Subject: FWWATT Chapter 7 Section Eleven
In reply to: Sylvia Mohr Bartlett 's message, "FOR WHICH WE ARE TRULY THANKFUL Ch 7" on 13:01:08 03/04/06 Sat

FOR WHICH WE ARE TRULY THANKFUL

By Sylvia Mohr Bartlett

Chapter 7: Workin' My Way Back To You


Section Eleven: The Strength to Fight

This posting concludes this chapter. Hope you are still with me. I'll post the next chapter as soon as I can...
Sylvia


It was the hardest thing he'd ever done, but Chegwidden moved forward and grabbed Boone by the arm, dragging him away from the bedside. He took Mac by the elbow and pulled them out of the room.

"Let go of me." Boone pulled free. "We can't just let him give up, AJ."

"He won't. He feels like he wants to, but Harmon Rabb will not give up. He can't help himself. He is incapable of denying who he really is. Harm is still fighting, Boone, or he would be gone already. Right now, he is trapped in the past, reliving something old, clearly something awful."

Tom rounded on the two star admiral. "What do you know that I don't?"

"I probably know even less than you do." Chegwidden responded heavily. "Something bad happened a long time ago. Something about all this has him reliving it."

"Why would he say he was dirty? That he had shamed the name of Rabb? It doesn't make any sense. I've known him, man and boy, his whole life. We weren't always close, but I know him. He has never done anything shameful and dirty. He is the most honorable person I know." Tom sank down on a chair in the hall.

Sarah was silent, concentrating all her thoughts to reach out to Harm. All she felt was murky, gloomy and frightening, a mind numbing terror. What could be vexing him so? Who was Billy?

Of the three, Chegwidden did not want to know what Harm was talking about. Dear God, he had to be wrong. All these years serving under Chegwidden, Rabb could not possibly be referring to what the incident he feared he was referring to.

Mac was staring at her CO now. "You do know something, don't you, sir?"

"Drop it, Colonel. I don't know anything for sure. I refuse to speculate. I think we might be better served to pray for Harm rather than speculate about things he said in a fevered delirium."

Boone stood up. "Where is Abby working on the lab tests?"

"She set up in Reyes office. Let's see how that is going." Anything to have something constructive to do; the two Admirals were in agreement on that.

"I'll stay here." Mac said softly, taking the seat Tom had just vacated. She closed her eyes and tried to push through the haze, draw closer to Harm, but it wasn't working.

All she could sense was pain, self loathing and doubt. She stopped trying to see what troubled him so and concentrated on sending him her strength, her love. After quite a while, she felt another presence intervening with Harm, a strong and loving one.


In the room, Harm was now on a heart monitor. He lay deathly still and pale. Doctor Reyes printed out a lead from the EKG and took it aside to review it carefully. "There's a definite arrhythmia developing. We need to regulate it, Stu."

"I'm going to your office. I have the other unit of the counter agent in there. We better not wait any longer. The special flight is bringing a couple of fresh units of that as well as more versed. The spasms are coming back. We may not have much time. He's not fighting this as hard. We can't let him give up on us, Tim. If he doesn't fight, he hasn't got a prayer."

The man was grimmer than he had been since he first came aboard. "If his temp comes down, even a little, get him off the blanket. Turner is right. It's sapping his will to fight because he's reliving something that scares him more than death itself."


Sturgis watched Harm's specialist leave. "Dad? What can we do?"

His father stopped stroking Harm's forehead and looked up. "Ask our Lord to send someone into the darkness with him. Someone he will trust absolutely." Sturgis held a hand out and he and his father joined hands and began to pray aloud together.




Harm slipped on the slope he was trying to climb. He was trying to get away. Something bad was chasing him. Suddenly, a hand appeared in front of him. He looked up and nearly fell over in disbelief. "Dad? This is impossible. Is that you?"

"It's me, son. Grab hold." The arm that he clasped was warm and strong and he was pulled up to stand on solid ground. His father enveloped him in a loving hug. "My boy, my little Harm. Look how much you've grown. I've missed you so much, son."

"I looked for you for so long, Dad. I never gave up. Wait. They – they told me. You're dead. Does that mean? Is it over? Am I coming with you now?" The younger man couldn't hide his eagerness. "Will I see granddad? I always wanted to meet him."

"One step at a time, sport." His father chided him gently. "Is that what you really want? Are you so ready to just leave your life behind? Isn't there anything left back there for you?"

Harm's shoulders slumped. "Don't tell me I have to go back. It's a nightmare. Do you know what that man did to me? Please. Don't make me go back. For a while there, I was reliving... They'll know now, all of it. Chegwidden was in the room and he'll never let it drop until he uncovers the whole ugly story. They will know everything."

"The admiral loves you, son. He couldn't love you more if you were his. You drive him crazy sometimes, but he loves you. He won't put more on you, then you can handle. He'll back off if he believes that's what you need."

His father pulled his chin up and forced him to meet his eyes. "Mahlberg will get off, if you don't go back. Do you want that?"

"That's not fair." Harm argued. "Don't put that on me. They can gather enough evidence to stop him from getting away with it."

"What about Sarah?"

"She's better off without me."

"That is not true and you know it. She loves you and she needs you. Let her in and the two of you can have something beautiful together."

His father placed a strong hand on his shoulder. "I know what you are really afraid of. This has brought the past back to life. Billy was not your fault, Harm. Nothing that happened that night was your fault, or his. Evil happens, but it can only triumph when no one stands up to it. You did everything you could for Billy all that long time ago. The ones who hurt you both are still out there. If you go back, they will still have a reckoning to face one day. Don't be tied up with false shame. What those others did was not capable of shaming you, son. It shamed them."

Harm looked at him horrified. "They are going to come after me again. Aren't they? You said if I go back they will still have to face a reckoning. Why? After all this time, what will bring them out?"

"You don't need to know that ahead of time. Don't borrow trouble before it comes. You can not move ahead in your life, until you truly put that darkness behind you, once and for all. I know you thought it was over, but as long as any of them are still in the Navy, it isn't over. You have always known that. Consciously or not, it is one of the reasons you chose JAG when you couldn't fly any more after your ramp strike. A part of you has been seeking them out the whole time."

His father put his arm around Harm's shoulder and walked him along a sunlit path. There were flowers all around and the air had a gentle breeze. "Dad and I have always been proud of you, Harm. You amaze us. The courage you've shown again and again. You have handled so many challenges and come out on top." He went on. "My boy, I won't lie to you. Things may be rough for quite a while, but if you go back, I promise it will be worth it. There will be rewards, beyond your wildest dreams. Life is a mixture of the sad and the sweet, the good and the bad. You make a difference every day you live. You are here because you have a choice.

"The Lord knows how much He asks of you. He knows you are tired of the fight and this one is a real high hurdle for you to cross. If you don't go back, there will be consequences back there. Your absence will hurt His plans for those you leave behind. We don't have to go the whole 'Wonderful Life' route, do we? Do I have to show you what will happen to them, if you die now? To Tom? To Sturgis? The Chaplain?"

"Don't!" Harm put his fingers in his ears and pushed away from his father's side. He walked a bit further down the path. Problem was, his father's voice didn't stop and he could still hear perfectly well.

"Tom will feel he was the cause of some of your problems with commitment because of what happened between Trish and him when I had only been missing a few years. He won't last two years after he attends your funeral."

"Sturgis will lose his faith and wander for years before he recommits to the Lord, but he never fully regains his joy because Matthew dies before he straightens out. Sarah will slide back into alcoholism. She'll kill a teenage girl driving under the influence. She'll hang herself in the cell after her arrest. Chegwidden will feel he didn't do enough to help her cope. Do you want to know what becomes of him?"

"Dad, stop it. Don't. That's not fair. You knew I'd go back without you saying any of this. Please don't do this to me." Harm leaned against a tree. "I'm so tired. I still feel the darkness chasing me. Do I have to go back right away?"

Rabb Sr. had come up behind him and drew him back into an embrace. "I'm sorry, Harm. I know you would go back, but how hard would you fight? You need to understand just how significant you are though the lives you touch. You do more good at your worst than some people manage to do when they are really trying to make a difference."

"Dad, come on. They don't really need me that much - Sarah, Tom, Sturgis and the Chaplain, and especially the Admiral, they are stronger than that. Losing me won't make them fall apart like that."

His father put his arms around him. "Yes, it would. I wasn't lying about what could happen if you don't go back and you know it. It isn't just because you die, but how you die and that they couldn't help you."

The older Rabb sat down and patted the ground next to him. "Come on, rest yourself son. There will be unpleasant things you'll have to deal with, Harm. I won't lie to you. It's going to be a fight. Let them help you win the fight, son. Don't try and go it alone."

Harm was still standing next to him, hesitant.

"Come on, sit down for a while. You don't have to go back just yet. You could use some rest. Close your eyes. No unpleasant thoughts, now. Just relax."

The younger man finally did as he asked. "Lean your head against me and rest awhile." When his son had complied, Harm Sr. went on. "You did a fine job restoring that biplane, Harm. Dad and I got a kick out of watching that. The way you learned how to do each part of the process was part of the healing after your ramp strike."

"It wasn't easy coming back from that." The younger man couldn't keep the sadness at bay. "I've lost so many friends, Dad; people I loved. Sergei went back to Russia."

"His life is back there, son. He is needed there. I don't think you realize how much knowing you changed his life. It has grounded him in ways he never hoped for. He's reaching out for more in life because you have inspired him."

"Me? I don't think I was such a great influence."

"You are wrong. You underestimate the place you play in the lives of others, son. Sergei is half Russian. Home was beckoning him and he had to go. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, you know."

Harm relaxed, sighing. "I feel safe here with you."

"You are safe. Nothing can hurt you here. Rest a while, son. Rest."

"You'll stay with me?"

"I've been with you for years now, Harm. I watched you from the day I died. I was free to see you from that day on – you, Sergei and your mom. Trish is still so beautiful. Frank is good for her, son."

"I know, Dad. I'm sorry about the way I was to him at first."

"He understands you better than you might think. He loves you, Harm."

"I don't deserve him to love me. I was rotten to him at first."

"Not really. He expected worse. You were actually pretty polite. Cool, but polite."

"Cool? I was a bloody iceberg." Harm muttered.

"Let it go. He accepts you just the way you are. You make him proud. You make me proud."

"Do I, Dad? Are you allowed to be proud over here?"

"Well, now. Are we going to discuss theology? That's not really my expertise."

"Forget I asked." Harm chuckled. "It would probably be beyond me any way."

"Talk to Matthew. He'll clear up any mystery for you."

"Do I have to?"

"What? Get right with the Lord, as the good preacher would say? Considering the way you get into tussles, that might not be a bad idea, Harm."

"Can God forgive someone like me?"

"He already has, Harm. He looks on your heart and He knows you. I wouldn't be allowed to come and visit with you, if you weren't already marked as His. But if you walk with Him and quit trying to do so much on your own, your life will be better in ways I can't explain. You believe in Him, but you hold back. Why?"

Harm opened his eyes and squinted into the sun. "I'm afraid He'd make me give up something I love. I've already lost so much. What if He wants me to give up Sarah?"

"Son, you really need to talk about that with the good Chaplain and his son. They'll help you get past that fear. God doesn’t take things away, Harm. He makes things better, if you trust Him."

"Can we just not talk for a while?" Harm asked.

His father chuckled and slipped an arm around his shoulder. "You bet. It's hard to rest and talk at the same time, isn't it? Close your eyes again."

Harm did. He felt safe and loved. His fears seemed to melt away. He wasn't cold any more at all. He let himself drift into the safe haven of a father's love.



Sturgis frowned as the doctors worked hard to start another intravenous to give Harm more meds. They were having trouble getting a vein. Abby had found that the antibiotic Harm was receiving was also contaminated by minute quantities of curare as well as a higher percentage of it present in the versed. The offending IV's had to be changed out completely which meant removing even the canula out of the vein and replacing it with another.

The change over had not gone smoothly. The only IV left in was the subclavian which was currently dripping in medication to regulate the arrhythmias of his heart.

At last, they were able to place two more IV's. The counteragent was piggybacked on the one in his strapped down arm. The other one would be used for the new antibiotic. It was brought up from the pharmacy, but being tested by Abby.

They administered an antipyretic IV push. His temp began to come down. Once it dipped back below 103, Stu ordered the cooling blanket off. Rabb was started on a different antibiotic.

Chaplain Turner touched his son's hand. The younger man had stopped looking at Harm's face. He concentrated on helping the doctors tend to his friend's body, staying vigilant for any increase in the spasms. He had watched the fear and confusion play out on Harm's face for too long. He could not bear to watch it sap his friend's strength even further.

When he felt his father's touch, he glanced up. "Look at him, son." The older man urged.

When Sturgis did, he was stunned. Harm looked peaceful, relaxed, almost happy. His father spoke. "I think our Lord has answered our prayer. Go out. Bring the others in. They need to see this."

Sturgis gently reached up and touched the side of Harm's face. Relief flooded him. "Thank you, Jesus." He said softly. He went to the door and opened it. "Come on in, guys. There's something you need to see."



AJ, Boone and the Colonel entered the room with some hesitation.

Tom Boone actually smiled as he caught sight of his godson. "That's more like it. What happened?"

"I'd have to say it's an answer to prayer." Stu said. "Medically, he hasn't improved that much yet, but something has changed. I think he's turned a corner in this fight. We are going to watch him very closely, but his fever is coming down and the spasms are not as bad. He was having some cardiac irregularity, but we have him on medication to regulate that."

Reyes added. "Abby has isolated all the sources of contamination. From now on anything we give him will be tested first. We still need to find out who the other conspirator is, but we can protect him now."

"Thank God." Chegwidden said.



Harm stiffened slightly. He spoke, softly. "Don't go yet, Dad, please. I'm not ready for you to leave. Please can't we rest here, a little longer?"

"Harm, your father doesn't need you. We do." AJ spoke gently, but firmly. "Time to come back to us. It won't be easy. You have to work at it."

"That figures." Harm muttered. "Is anything in my life ever easy?"

"Aren't I worth it?" Sarah asked, bending over and kissing him gently on the cheek.

"You are definitely worth it. Life is worth it. I have to work my way back to you, though. Give me some time."

The Marine smiled. "All the time you need, sailor; just get it in gear, Navy."

"Yes, ma'am." Harm raised the hand strapped to his chest and Mac slid her fingers into his grip. He squeezed her fingers once and let himself drift again. He was still awfully tired. He would work his way back to it all, his friends, his family, his life.

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  • Re: FOR WHICH WE ARE TRULY THANKFUL Ch 7 -- Valerie, 15:25:32 03/04/06 Sat
  • Re: FOR WHICH WE ARE TRULY THANKFUL Ch 7 -- Odakota, 16:32:22 03/04/06 Sat
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