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Date Posted: 21:05:48 02/19/06 Sun
Author: Sylvia Mohr Bartlett
Subject: There IS HOPE

THERE IS HOPE

By Sylvia Bartlett Mohr

A follow-up to the aired episode “A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS” from the last season of JAG. I don’t own the characters or JAG…that is CBS, Paramount and TPTB. I just borrowed them to add some holiday cheer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harm looked into Mattie’s room from the doorway. After Mac had brought his ‘daughter’ to The Wall, he had brought her back here to the home she sort of owned. He had a lot to figure out, but for tonight he was just going to be thankful. It wasn’t the entire package he longed for, but it was a start. He had someone to watch over…someone to come home to…someone to love. Quite a Christmas present, Dad…and Sarah.

Sarah, why are you with Webb tonight? If you thought enough of me to come to that hearing, and to talk to Mattie’s real father; why are you with Webb? What about what you said to the judge? Does Webb also fill your requirements of the man you want to have a child with? ‘Cause you are the only woman who can fill mine. If you are going to wind up with Webb, Mattie is the only child I will ever have. It’s that simple and that will have to be enough.

Mattie had fallen asleep quickly when they got home. It was quite a drive. If they made their home here, he would be facing a helluva commute every day. He had to call Frank and his mom. He had a lot of explaining to do. And he was going to have to find out what the code to his trust fund was. He’d already decided to raid that to save Grace Aviation for his new ward and bring the mortgage note up to date. There wasn’t any point in trying to sleep.

He’d probably have nightmares of Sarah in Clayton Webb’s arms.

He had brought his laptop and some paperwork from the office. He opened up the laptop and brought up Word.

Dear Mac….

He deleted that.

Dear Sarah….

He deleted that.

Colonel MacKenzie.

Yeah right.

He slammed the laptop shut in frustration.

He walked out on the porch, without a coat. The air was cold. The sky was bright and clear and full of stars.

“God…

"Can You hear me? Where are You? What is wrong with me? If anyone is a class A screw up, it’s me. Why do You keep giving me chances when I keep screwing up?

"Thanks for the miracle You’ve given me this Christmas.

"I need another.

"If You want me to have any more children, I need You to change the mind of one tough jarhead Marine. I need You to show her somehow that she was wrong to rule out an ‘us’ down in Paraguay. I am afraid that would take a major miracle. You’ll have to somehow convince her that Clayton Webb isn’t right for her and I am.

"If I need to do something, show me what. Oh, and help me stop putting my foot in my mouth every time I talk to Mac, okay? The angry swipes I take at her aren’t helping things any I know. It’s because she broke my heart from the minute I found her alive with the way she was acting towards Clay, but I never told her that. I just sniped at her.

"Hell, maybe the truth is, God, that I don’t deserve her.

"I keep telling Mattie to have more faith in people. Maybe I need to practice what I preach. One step at a time.

"Before I try and practice it with people, I’m coming to You.” He knelt. “I’ve tried to be a good man and a decent one. I’ve tried to live an honorable life and serve others. I’ve always believed in You in a vague sort of way. I’ve read Your book. Show me that You are as real as I want to believe You are. Show me the way. Reach down inside of me, fix what is broken, heal what is hurting, stop me from hurting the ones I love. I’ll be listening for You. When You speak, let me recognize You are and act on it, in every part of my life, Lord…and not just on Sunday, but every day.

"In Jesus' Name

"Amen”

The tears were rolling down his cheeks, but a tiny glimmer of hope began to burn in his heart.



Sarah MacKenzie gave Webb a gentle kiss goodnight on his cheek. “I’m sorry I wasn’t better company, Clay. Your mother must think I’m terrible.”

“My mother thinks you are wonderful, Sarah. She just wants you to be happy.”

“Is that what you want too, Clay?”

“Sarah…I want US to be happy. If that is possible…, but after all this time, we are still really only friends. Sometimes it feels like we can be more, yet more and more often it doesn’t. Is friends all we will ever be?”

Mac pulled her hands out of his and didn’t meet his eyes. “I told you I couldn’t make any promises, Webb. I care about you, very much.”

Clayton Webb sighed. “It’s still Rabb, isn’t it? No matter how much he hurts you with the things he says; you still love him, don’t you?”

“How much he hurts me, Clay? How about how much I hurt him? How much WE hurt him? He threw his career in the Navy away to come after us when the Admiral told him I was missing. He saved BOTH of our lives, Webb. He gets down there and I am, to all appearances, ‘with you’. So he gets angry and acts it. Who could blame him? Did I give him a chance to explain why he was down there? No. We sniped at each other and I jumped to the conclusion that there was no future for ‘us’. Was it the truth? Or was it a preemptive strike because I know that the truth is he’s the only one who will ever really make me happy? I am not saying that’s true, but I am beginning to realize how things must have been from his point of view and I don’t like what I am seeing.”

The pain in the CIA agent’s eyes was evident and it tore at her heart. “Is Harmon Rabb Jr. the only one who will really ever make you happy, Sarah? Maybe we need to take a break from seeing each other for a few weeks. I don’t want you with me because you think I’m a better alternative over the short haul. I want you to love me and be totally over Harm. If that isn’t true, if Harm hasn’t just become a friend to you, you don’t belong with me. There will never be happiness for either of us that way.”

The beautiful Marine colonel had tears in her eyes. “Clayton, I think that is best for now. I’m just so damned confused. I need to sort things out.”


Harm opened the laptop back up and went to his e-mail program.

“Dear Sarah….

I hope you don’t mind if I call you that, though I haven’t really got the right anymore. I don’t even know if I will ever ‘send’ this. It’s just that there are some things I need to say. It’s time to risk it all. To explain my pain, apologize for being a jerk in the ‘friend’ department and say thanks.

First off, thank you for the greatest Christmas present any one has ever given me. She is sleeping in the next room. Oh, by the way, I am down here at Mattie’s place, so if any one needs to reach me they’ll have to use my cell. My apartment is a bit too much of a ‘bachelor’s pad’ for a teenage girl. Technically she owns this place and the business- Gracie Aviation, but she is on the verge of losing them both. Looks like my trust fund from Frank will be going to some good use. I’ve never touched it, so it probably has plenty in it to get my ward’s finances straightened out. I wish I had known she was having problems sooner. I really have to work on the communication between Mattie and myself. I was afraid to jinx this whole thing by making too many plans. It was clear from the judge, et al that that was an error on my part, but it seems like when I build my hopes of hearth and home too high they get dashed, so though I was trying to get her guardianship, I was very afraid it wouldn’t happen. My hopes would be dashed yet again. I thought that had happened until tonight at The Wall.

I have a lot of decisions to make. Her natural father has already left. He’s staying with some relatives until he enters that treatment program. This place would be a tough commute for me every day, but Mattie needs consistency so bad and I don’t want her to lose this. She’s already had too many losses in her life. You’d like this place, Mac. I like it. It reminds me of my Gram’s place in Bellville.

On the other hand, what if her dad gets his act together and they patch things up? I can’t really let my place go just yet. Guess I’ll be paying the rent there for quite a while to come. Great. I’ll have a rent and a mortgage. This is going to be real challenging.
Sorry. I’m rambling. I just don’t know where to start because I have so much to sort out.

I’ll be calling my Mom and Frank shortly. I have a lot to tell them.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Mattie earlier, Mac, but I really didn’t know if you would care to hear about it. You and I haven’t been communicating too well. I’m sorry. I guess it was mostly my fault. I know I’ve taken some real unkind swats at you verbally. I apologize. I’ve been hurting a lot and when I hurt, I act out. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true. I could say it was from being a lonely only growing up, but so were you, so that won’t wash.

The truth is a lot more painful to admit. The truth is I have been really hurting because outside of a dim hope offered by Mattie needing me, I didn’t have anything left to go on living for. Even coming back to Jag has not begun to heal my heart. I can’t really seem to find my way home.

It hurt a lot to have you say the things you said in South America. When you said there was no us, there could never be an ‘us’, I took that pretty literally. I felt like you weren’t just talking about ‘the talk’. I felt like you were talking about the friendship. And truth to tell I have been angry ever since, because of how much that hurt. I’ve just been going through the motions, until Mattie.

My greatest fear came true on a street in front of a hotel in Paraguay. Sarah MacKenzie told me she wanted me out of her life…that there was no hope for a future for us. It hurt more than I can ever tell you. All of my worst fears came true that night.

I couldn’t let go in Australia. I couldn’t let go when you didn’t marry Brumby. I couldn’t let go all that time because of one simple fact. I was always afraid to even discuss a relationship with you because I always knew I didn’t deserve anyone as wonderful and beautiful and honest and strong as you are. I know I’m a screw up in the relationship department. And well, when it comes it you, I knew that when I finally had to face the loss of it, I would not have a reason to exist anymore. My feelings for you run so deep, so sacred, so strong that even saying the simple words “I love you” was totally inadequate. Why couldn’t I let go? The hope of a someday was better than the possible outcome if I let go and it didn’t work out.

So when I threw caution to the wind, threw my career to the fates and came after you, it was with fear, hope and determination to give ‘us’ a shot. That night in South America, I believe you told me pretty clearly you had reached a different conclusion. You had decided that I was never going to be the man you wanted. What was I supposed to say to that, Sarah?

I’ve always believed that actions speak louder than words anyway. If giving up JAG and the Navy to come down there after you was not enough to convince you that I was willing to let you ‘be on top’ if that’s what you want, nothing ever could. I knew all the words of a Shakespeare would never change your mind. What hope for an out of work Naval officer and pilot with too many miles logged in his log book of life?

When I took the job with the CIA, I think part of me hoped I’d meet up with an enemy who would put me out of my misery. I can’t talk about what I did while I was with them, but at least I was still serving my country. It wasn’t much. But it was something.

While I did that, I didn’t keep in touch – keep in touch with whom?

You were seeing my boss and former friend, Clayton Webb…so talking to him about anything but professional stuff was out and trying to ‘just be friends’ with you would have been like eating glass shards, at that point.

Bud and Harriet had plenty to adjust to with his fight to stay in the Navy, his problems with Sturgis’ case and otherwise, her pregnancy and a new baby. Frankly, a CIA agent doesn’t make the best godfather to have around a growing family.

The admiral had made clear how he felt about me…that hasn’t changed much since he offered me a chance to return to Jag. We’ll probably never get the personal relationship we once had back.

Sturgis was having enough problems. He still is in fact. And he’s still so angry with Bud. He and I have had the roughest patch ever in our friendship with me trying to stay friends with both of them. I don’t know how I can help that situation, except to stay out of it.

Jag and the Navy and you have always been my real family…more than my Mom and Frank. I have spent more of my life in the Navy than out of it…since I was 17, Sarah.
And my family has NOT welcomed me home with open arms. Honestly, Mac, I never fully came home after the Singer murder debacle. I’m still not back yet. I have to admit I wonder now if I ever will…ever can be.

When I resigned my commission to come after you, I gambled everything for a possibility of an ‘us’ someday. I felt I lost it…all of it… when you said there would never be an ‘us’. Your reasons were perfectly clear and very well stated. It didn’t matter if I agreed because there was nothing on the table for discussion. You left no opening for negotiations. All the promises of someday died. “There will never be an us. Period.” Says it pretty clear, doesn’t it, Marine? Part of me just died that night.

So I am sorry I have been acting like a real jerk to you ever since I got to Paraguay, but from the minute I saw how things were between you and Webb, my heart was in serious pain. When you said those words on the street just before we got in the cab, my heart broke. It hasn’t healed yet. I think the part of my heart that is meant for a woman and a wife is on permanent life support in chronic vegetative state. I’ve decided it never will come out of that coma. I felt I have to accept that and move on.

I’d just pull the plug on my whole life, but I’m not a quitter.

I have a daughter now. She may be only briefly mine, because I know I will have to help her learn to forgive her real father, even if that reunites them and leaves me alone again. From now on, Mattie will always be my daughter, not just my ward…in my heart. That is the only family I will ever have of my own. It hurts so much to realize that, but I will make it enough. And pack a lifetime of memories into the time I have her. Even if she does go back to her father, I will always watch over her. Not stalk her, but watch over her…and, God help me, him, ~ from a distance. Yes, you can call that another of my obsessions, but when I love somebody, really love somebody, I can never let that go. It simply isn’t in me.

I will learn how to live without the part of my heart that will always be reserved for you. You simply can not be topped, Sarah. You’ve ruined me for any other woman. So, for God’s sake, don’t ever try to set me up with any one, please. You don’t have to return these feelings, Mac, but please respect them, okay?

I have Mattie now. I thank God and I thank you for that.

I would like to be friends, but I still hurt too much for that to be easy. You killed a lot of dreams down in South America, ninja girl. You put them on life support when you left with Webb to go down there, but I tried to tell myself it was just a mission. When you came back, we could finally talk. But it was never just a mission, was it? You’d already decided there would never be an ‘us’ before you left.

You said the other day that I 'didn't fight you on it'? What was I supposed to fight you for? A chance you had just declared I could never have? That would have crossed so many lines. I mean, God, when does it stop being acceptable to fight for something and become criminal. The lines are so confused these days with date rape and emotional abuse being as serious a thing as physical abuse. How is a guy supposed to know where the lines are let alone whether or not he is supposed to cross them in any given instance? If you believed what you said about there would never be an us, I believed I had no RIGHT to fight you on it. I had lost the right somewhere. And I believed you meant what you said.

Sarah, I want you to know something. Even with the time in service lost when the Admiral refused to take me back...I don’t regret coming after you. Even if he never had let me come back, and I’d wandered lost and alone until death claimed me, I don’t regret coming after you. I never could regret it. You are still alive.

If you are in danger again tomorrow, even with the responsibility of Mattie in my life, I will go anywhere, risk anything, do whatever I must, to save you. Even if I have to quit the Navy again…I’m going to have to explain that to my Mom and Frank. I’ll have to ask them to back me up if the worst should ever happen.

The simple truth is this, Sarah, from the day we first met through the night of your engagement party to Mic through this moment right now, one thing has and will never change. You will always have someone who loves you.

I cannot blame you for not returning the feeling in kind. I blew a thousand chances until I blew out all the love you might ever have held for me right out of your heart.

You figured me out. I’m not good enough for you. I bow to the wisdom of your heart and mind. I accept it.

If you need me, I will always be there. I will always come after you. I ask nothing of you in return. I do not want you to feel any obligation or guilt. You have made it clear you no longer feel the same. I don’t understand, but I do believe it. I will work on coming to accept it.

I may not always be friendly, until my heart grows some calluses, but I will always be here for you. If you need me, call me. Even without your love, I can not help who and what I am. I love you. Now, forget I ever said it. Perhaps it was better left unsaid, but Billy Joel wrote a song that fits this situation; it’s called “And So It Goes….” I have a wav of it. Let’s see if all Bud’s lessons about e-mail really paid off. I’m attaching it. I wanted to play it for you that night you told me you were going to South America with Clay, but I thought there would be another time.

One more thing, Mac, if you marry Webb one day, even if we have regained our friendship, please do not ask me to come to your wedding. I can’t. Don’t even send an invitation. Please respect that.

I’ll try to be nicer to you at work. But please understand this. I am not ready for the ‘let’s just be friends’ stage with you, not yet. That may come in time. I don’t want to lose you in my life, but I have to grow beyond the hurt I still feel every time you say you are seeing Webb. Hopefully someday I will learn how to ‘just be friends with you’…but I fear I will sooner learn to breathe water instead of oxygen!

Smile now, Sarah. Suck it up, Marine. I haven’t told you this to sucker punch you. Next to letting me father your children, you gave me a greater gift than you will ever know last night at the Wall. You gave me a chance at having a family. You gave me a reason to go on without you. I’ll never be as happy as I had hoped, but I will find my joy where I can.

For now, know that every time I hug my daughter, I’ll be hugging you too. God bless you…

Have a merry Christmas with Webb. I wish you joy now and always.

Forever…..
Harm"


The commander never even realized that he’d been on line the whole time typing live. When he logged off, the message was sent. He glanced at the clock and picked up his cell. Frank and his mom would be having an unusual Christmas morning this year.


Sarah MacKenzie drove home through the snow. It was a beautiful night, but cold. Inside she was cold too. What had she done? Clayton Webb didn’t want to give up on a possibility of them, but the truth rang as clear as the Christmas bells. She had not perjured herself in court. Harmon Rabb was the only man she could really picture as a father for her children, but he never would assume that role. She had destroyed any hope of that when she stomped on his heart in Paraguay. Why had she said such hateful words after he had risked so much for her? How dare she say they both wanted to be on top physically and emotionally when he had given up his career to come after her? And the remark she had made about him not fighting her on it? What was he supposed to do, hit her? Beg her?

Now that she reflected on them, the words she had spoken had sounded awfully damn complete. He had acted honorably when he backed off. He would never stalk her like a possession the way Dalton had done.

Harmon Rabb was going to be a wonderful father to Mattie. She hoped he would find someone wonderful to be a mother to the girl and his future children some day. He deserved all the happiness in the world. She had only herself to blame if they couldn’t at least get the friendship back. To ask for his love now would be totally impossible, illogical. She had broken his heart, time and again, in ‘romantic’ South America and since. She had only realized how much she had hurt him, had been hurting him ever since when she saw his eyes tonight. He still had wanted her to join him and Mattie.

His first night with Mattie and he had wanted to share that with her…but she had had a date with Clay. She’d seen the pain and the loss in his eyes as she said it. A part of her had died at the look. Now, as she walked up the steps to her apartment, she realized she had been seeing that same look repeatedly since he had come back to Jag.

No wonder their friendship was on the rocks!

What reason had he had to share with her… or with anyone at Jag…the news about Mattie Grace and his decision to become her guardian? His ‘office’ wasn’t even in the bullpen. It was crowded, tiny and overwhelmed with paperwork post the Imes debacle on top of the regular trial duties he had been reassuming. He still was bearing an unfair share of those added duties.

How often had she darkened the door of his tiny office except when absolutely necessary since his return? She didn’t stop in to say a casual hi or wish him good morning. He made an effort when he had a reason to come into the bullpen to greet her cordially; he was trying to regain his step about the office, but it was clear to Mac now, how completely the commander still felt excluded from the Jag family. He felt clear to his core, the distance they had all kept between him and them. When he and Mattie had sat on the other side of the chapel tonight, she had begun to realize how much he felt frozen out at Jag…this year was such a far cry from even one Christmas ago. He was no longer really a part of the Jag family.

Did the admiral or anyone at Jag know of his new status as a family man? She really doubted it.

Mac opened the door to her apartment and saw the message light on her answering machine. She hit the play message button as she locked up and shrugged out of her fancy coat covering the clothes she had changed into to join the Webbs that night,..er, morning actually. One thing she would not miss about not seeing Clay for a while was the constant feeling she was underdressed. The air of culture and class at the Webb residence had its attractions, but it also felt so restricting.

After a cheery holiday greeting from Chloe and one from her Uncle Matt, she heard the anxious sounding voice of Jennifer Coates. “Colonel MacKenzie? Sorry to bother you, Ma’am…it’s Petty Officer Coates. Can you tell me where I might be able to reach Commander Rabb? I’ve been leaving messages on his answering machine ever since the chapel service ended. Ignore my other messages on yours, ma’am. It wasn’t important about the USO thing I set up at the office, but I really thought the commander might want to come after he went to the Wall. I know he really doesn’t do much for Christmas usually, -- after the Wall, I mean. I didn’t want to call his cell phone because he might think that was an emergency or duty calling, but I tried to reach him at home. Now I’m afraid he’ll think I think he was rude not to at least call when he sees all the messages. Plus I am sort of worried. There was a big accident near his apartment. I keep seeing it on the news. Oh, I’m being silly and you probably are already in bed. Sorry to bother you and Merry Christmas, Colonel.”

When Mac heard the words about the accident, her heart froze. Without a thought of the time, she snatched up her cell phone and hit speed dial one. That was still Harm’s cell number.

It was busy. Well, it wouldn’t be busy if he was hurt, right? She’d try his home. No. Coates had left plenty of messages on his home machine and not heard back. She paced anxiously. Something told her to turn on her laptop and check her e-mail.

“You have new mail.”

Maybe it was Harm. She signed on and hit the jackpot. A new message from the commander in question…she opened the e-mail. Wow! For Harm this was long. She carried her laptop into the kitchen and put the water on to boil.

If he was sending e-mails, he wasn’t in a hospital. She’d have some hot cocoa while she read his epic. She realized with a start as she turned to her stovetop that there was music. He’d attached a sound file to his e-mail. What was that tune? She couldn’t place it. She knew it wasn’t a Christmas carol, but it was somehow familiar….

She hummed along with her back to the laptop as she made the hot cocoa. What was that song? It was so pretty and yet so sad…was it something to do with Viet Nam and his dad? The tune was filling her mind with a gentle melancholy she couldn’t place.
Without reading it, she skimmed the message to see if a song title stood out. Here. “And So It Goes…” by Billy Joel. She stopped the wav.file playing and went to her CD’s. She searched through the Billy Joel selections until she found the one that had the song on it. Popping it into the CD in her laptop, she found the track in question and sat down in stunned disbelief as the words came to her, playing through the CD tray of her lap top.

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds of lovers past
Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes were closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break……….


Tears filled the woman’s eyes as she heard the words. Why? Why now? What was he trying to tell her by attaching that wav to his Yuletide missive? She drew the laptop closer and began to read the letter after setting the CD to play the track over and over softly as she read. When she reached the end of the letter, she saved it, turned off the CD and rose. She walked to the living room and gazed out at the snow twinkling in the moonlight.


Mattie's House
Blacksburg VA

“So I would choose to be with you…
That’s if the choice were mine to make…
But you can make decisions too….
And you can have this heart to break….”

Harm lay his guitar back down, sensing he wasn’t alone. “Mattie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t. I woke up and heard the music. That’s a beautiful song, but awfully sad. Do you think I’m going to break your heart?”

He stood and went and put his arms around her. “No. No, Mattie. You’ve given my heart wings again. That song was about my past. You are my future. It’s you and me, kid. You’re stuck with me. We’re Batman and Robin, remember?”

“I’m not stuck with you. I’m lucky to have you. I mean that, Harm.”

“Wrong, Mattie. I’m the lucky one. I needed a reason to go on and you are the reason. This is the first Christmas I have ever felt like celebrating. If I can work it out with JAG, you and I are going on a little holiday trip. I want you to meet my mom and Frank, my stepfather. Mind leaving the snow behind for a few days? I thought we would spend the rest of the holidays in San Diego.”

“California?” Mattie yelped excitedly. “How far is San Diego from Disneyland?”

“Well, if you want to meet Mickey I think I can arrange that!” Harm laughed at the sparkle in the girl’s eyes. “If this sounds good to you, I’ll work on setting it up.”

“Great. I get Batman and now I’m going to California. This is the best Christmas ever!”

Harm let the pain of losing Sarah ease a little in the glow of the young girl’s excitement. It wasn’t going to be such a bad Yuletide after all. Writing his feelings had granted him some peace to ease his wounded heart. It was time to start some new holiday traditions.





BOXING DAY

Harm strode through the bullpen. It was mostly deserted with workers taking extra time off for the holidays. He saw that PO Coates was in her place and walked in, handing her a wrapped package. “Sorry it’s late, Coates.”

Jennifer looked up, startled at the gift. “Sir, I didn’t get you anything.”

“It’s not much. I know the holidays can be a little rough for you and I can relate, so.” He shrugged. “Stick it in your drawer, so we don’t both get it from our CO. I’m sorry I didn’t get your messages about the USO hook up you set up.”

Coates grinned. “Well, I guess I did get you something, sir. I videotaped it.”

“Great.” The commander’s smile was stunning in its brilliance. “Mattie Grace and I can watch it when I get home tonight.”

“Was that Gracie you were with at the chapel the other night, sir?” The Petty Officer was clearly curious.

Harm nodded. “I need some paperwork to fill out, Petty Officer Coates. Mattie Grace is my dependent now – I’ve been appointed her legal guardian. I have to add her on to my insurance, make her my primary next of kin for emergency notification, all that kind of stuff.” The poor girl’s expression of complete consternation had him so pre-occupied, he didn’t know the Admiral was standing behind him until his commanding officer exclaimed.

“Rabb? What in the ---? My office. Now!” Harm gulped, shared an interesting exchange of glances with Coates as he snapped to attention, did a precise military turn and marched into the office without uttering a sound. He stood at rigid attention in front of their CO’s desk.

The admiral snapped to Coates. “Hold all my calls,” and slammed the door behind him, muffling all further discussion between Rabb and himself from his legal man’s hearing.

He stalked past Rabb and behind his desk. “You have a dependent now, Commander? When were you planning on informing me of your change in status?”

“When it was official, sir; which was only after the Christmas Eve service, so that would be now, Admiral; and, I won’t have the paperwork I need for a few days yet, but I thought I could get the forms to begin filling out, sir.”

“So from your boss to your responsibility, how in the hell did this happen, Commander? Why didn’t you tell me what you were up to? I would have helped if I had known…”
The admiral paused. “Forget that. I guess I didn’t exactly make you feel I would support you, did I? May I congratulate you?”

“Yes, Admiral! Thank you, sir. I have a lot to work out. I was afraid I’d jinx this whole thing if I talked about it before it really happened. I didn’t know if it would go through. It took so long to get things started and then the court date came up so fast. There was a real curve ball right at the end when her natural father showed up and challenged my petition. He withdrew the challenge after Colonel MacKenzie talked to him.” Seeing the Admiral’s expression, he hurried on. “Sir, I only told the Colonel because I needed someone to vouch for me.” He looked down at the floor a moment to regain his composure.

Meeting the Admiral’s eyes once more, he went on. “I’d like to take a couple of extra days at New Years, if I may, sir. I want to take Mattie out to meet Mom and Frank. I have to figure out where we’ll stay…my apartment isn’t really appropriate and…”

“Commander, take a breath. Sit down.” The admiral came back around his desk and leaned against the edge, crossing his arms and meeting the younger man’s steady gaze. “Are you happy, Commander Rabb?”

“More happy than I have ever been at this time of year, Admiral.” Harm answered without hesitation. “Just a bit overwhelmed.”

“I’ll say. A teenage ward who runs her own business, you really like to grab the bull by the horns when you commit to something, don’t you? I’m glad for you, Harm. You will make a fine father to that young woman and I think she’s already having a positive impact on you. The New Year with your family…that’s something I wondered if I would ever see. Why don’t you take from now through the 4th off? Guess my cracks about Peter Pan were off base.”

“No, sir. I don’t intend to shirk my duties here. I’ve been here since 0500 as I drew an assignment early this morning. I agreed to work these days, and I will. I don’t want to inconvenience anyone else who already has family because of this change in my life. If I can just have New Year’s eve through the 4th, off; Frank is arranging for me to fly Mattie to California in a corporate jet he has access to, so I can leave right after work on Tuesday. I have court appearances today, Monday and Tuesday, sir. I can’t leave before I see to those at any rate.”

“I respect that, Harm, but you mentioned your apartment not being right to your new circumstances. You could request continuances….”

“I intend to make the commute from Mattie’s place for now, Admiral. It won’t be easy, but I can manage. It wouldn’t be fair to my client to postpone the hearings. Mattie and I will be in touch by phone when I’m here in the office. I’ve have to attend to some financial problems she’s been hiding from me, but I can do that on breaks. I’ll manage, sir. Oh and about the Peter Pan thing,” Harm was grinning as he said. “In spite of refusing to grow up, Peter was really a surrogate father to all the lost boys in Neverland. He watched over them, protected them. In fact, when he went after Wendy, it was to get them a surrogate mother to help him out.” The admiral was looking at him a bit oddly. “I read the book since you made the remark. You may not have been as off base as you might think. When was the last time you read it, sir? But I am trying to grow none the less. If I can keep the best of a youthful heart while learning to be the best kind of adult, I think I’d settle for that. I’ll manage my work responsibilities and my guardian duties. There’s going to be a learning curve, but I will make this work.”

“I am sure you will. You can go to your office and make your calls now, Commander. You are excused from the morning meeting…no new cases outside the one you came in on. I could reassign that…”

“Admiral, I appreciate the offer, but you couldn’t do that for me without inconveniencing someone else and that is not my intent. I can handle this and I will, sir.”

The admiral tried a different tact. “Harm, your friends will want to support you.” A look passed through the commander’s eyes he didn’t like, an insecurity when he mentioned ‘friends’. The hell with not getting involved with his people’s personal lives ~ it was Christmas. He meant to find out what was going on here. He already knew he was at least partially to blame for the pain behind that insecurity.

“The colonel was already scheduled to come in late today, sir. Bud, Harriet and Sturgis are off. If I don’t attend the morning meeting, you can skip it because it was already going to be pretty small and short.”

“Very well, commander. Coates will expedite your paperwork as rapidly as possible and you are granted from New Years Eve through the 5th off. Take the extra day, Harm. You’ll need it.”

The commander stood and came to attention. “Aye, aye, sir. Thank you again, Admiral.”

“Go. Make your phone calls, Commander.”

Harm exited the office and smiled at Coates on the way out. She rose and followed him out into the bullpen. “Petty Officer, I have some phone calls to make. I’ll tell you all about it when I can take a break for coffee, okay?”

“Tell you what, sir. After I get the admiral his morning coffee, I’ll bring the paperwork and some coffee out to your office…how’s that?”

Harm grinned in acceptance. “That would be most appreciated, Coates. Thank you.”

“My pleasure, sir,” Coates’ eyes were absolutely glowing. “Take it from someone you have helped and been an inspiration to, Commander…you will make that girl a wonderful father.”

Harm ducked his head, flushing slightly at the compliment. “I’m technically only her guardian.”

“Yes, sir, Commander Rabb, but I know you well enough to know that in your heart, that equals father. You aren’t a man who takes a commitment like this lightly. I wish I could have helped you get to this point, sir.”

“You work in this office now, Jen.” He said softly, acknowledging the special link they shared outside of work. “It wouldn’t have been appropriate to ask for your assistance with our rank difference and all. You understand?”

“But as someone who cares for you, may I offer you my assistance in my off duty hours if you need someone to watch her if you have to go out of town for any length of time?”

“I’ll have to check the regs to see if they would permit that. Thank you for offering. I really have to make those phone calls.”

“See you soon in your office, sir. I know exactly which forms you need and I will get them together first, okay?”

“Thank you very much, Petty Officer.” Harm’s eyes were warm and appreciative and his smile reached them for the first time in a long time. Jennifer Coates quietly murmured again the words she had said to the Admiral the other day. “There is hope.”

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