| Subject: Episode 2.3: What If |
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Date Posted: 10:13:09 05/27/02 Mon
LIFE IN GENERAL
EPISODE 2.3: What If
SCENE ONE: Group is standing in a field watching a farmer tend to his crops. They are still
dressed in Renaissance clothing.
ALEC
Why are we still standing here? Shouldn't we be looking for the Necri...Necro...um..that book
SAM
Ok, Alec, we know its hot outside...stop whining
ELIJAH
(points to a creek)
We could cool off down there for the time being
(Everyone exept for Ashe and Ellie walk to the creek. Ellie watches the farmer with some
what of a depressed expression on her face)
ASHE
(Looks at Ellie)
Are you ok? What's wrong?
ELLIE
(Lets out a sigh)
Nothing. I just...Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever get home. (Gestures to the farmer) Part of
me wants to just settle for one era and stay there...No more life threatening situations and
hunting for that stupid book
ASHE
I thought you didn't want to live your life like everyone else...that you loved the adventure in
time jumping
ELLIE
I do...Its just that...(sighs as she tries to think of the words)...We've had a lot of luck to keep
us alive at this point...what happens when our luck runs out? What if something were to
happen to one of us?
ASHE
Ellie, nothing is going to happen...
ELLIE
How do you know that?
ASHE
(Smiles) I'm going to live forever
ELLIE
(Glares at Ashe)
I'm serious, Ashe...I've got a bad feeling...
ASHE
Ellie, we're going to get home...I promise. (Puts an arm around her) Nothing is going to
happen to you, I'll make sure of that. (He pulls her in to kiss the side of her head. She
forces a smile as he does) Now come on...Lets go shove these guys in the creek
ELLIE
(Looks at him and smiles)
Shove? What are you, five?
ASHE
Got a smile out of you didn't it (Ellie rolls her eyes at him) Oh come on...it'll relieve your
stress...not to mention it'll be really fun
ELLIE
(Smiles)
Oh, Alright
ASHE
YES! Now, (pulls her near a tree) We have to wait for the perfect moment (They watch the
others. Richard is trying to catch fish with his hands. Elijah has his pants rolled up to his
knees and is standing on a rock in the creek watching Richard. Alec is holding Sam, who
looks annoyed by it, by the bank of the creek)
Ok...I'll take the sex birds...you take Elijah
ELLIE
What about Richard?
ASHE
(Shakes his head)
Nah...That can only end one way...with us diving head first into the creek (Ellie laughs. Ashe
concentrates) Ok...ready?
(Ellie Takes a better running position, then nods)
NOW!
(The both run out. Ashe gives Alec one hard shove and sends both Alec and Sam tumbling
into the water. Ellie leaps onto the rock Elijah was standing on and pushes him off of it.
Elijah falls into the water. Ashe and Ellie are laughing and throw they're hands in the air
triumphantly. Ashe jumps onto the rock with Ellie. She looses her balance slightly but Ashe
holds onto her. They continue to gloat. To Ellie)
See, I told you it'd be fun
SAM
One of these days, Ashe...one of these days...
ASHE
Right well...until then, I'm just gonna do this (Points at Sam and in a childish tune) Sam's in
the water...Sam's in the water...She's all wet....And I'm not! Mwa ha ha ha
ALEC
You're such a child
ELIJAH
(Stands up next to Ellie)
So that's the game you want to play....(He stands close to her and begins to shake his head
violently. The water from his hair sprays onto Ellie. She screams playfully and tries to block
the water. When water stops spraying her, he gives her a big bear hug...making her clothing
damp too)
RICHARD
No matter who you are, everyone reacts to being sprayed with water the same way...like this
(He screams and waves his arms around in front of his face)
ASHE
Yes, thank you Richard
RICHARD
(looks down at the water. Suddenly he reaches down and grabs a fish)
HA! You thought you could escape (holds the fish's head in front of his own)...You thought
wrong...
(The group moves to the bank and sits down. All except for Richard, who is hold he fish
next to his ear as if it was talking to him)
What's that? Uh huh.....uh huh....no kidding!...uh huh...
ASHE
Oh brother...what's next?
ELLIE
Don't ask
RICHARD
(Releases the fish back into the creek)
I'll be back...
ALEC
Say what?
(Richard runs off into the woods)
Wait...where is he going
ASHE
Who cares...he's not near us
(Ashe lays down in the grass, and lets out a relaxing sigh as he stares up at the tree tops.
Elijah sits down and leans his back against a tree. Ellie lays on the ground, using Elijah's lap
as a pillow. Elijah gently runs his hand through Ellie's hair. Alec also lays on the ground
and Sam uses his chest as a pillow)
ALEC
(To Sam)
Comfortable?
SAM
You stink. You smell like a creek
ALEC
You're no picnic yourself...
ASHE
So...what do you think we'll do when we get home? How long do you think we've been gone
this time?
SAM
Too long...I should have graduated and been well into my career by now
ELLIE
Ashe and I had been talking about getting an appartment off campus...we'd probably have that
by now...
ASHE
Yeah...no more Bitchy
ELLIE
I wonder what are lives would be like at this point if we had never used that book
ASHE
A LOT different from now, that's for sure
(The all gaze up at the tree tops. Camera pans up at the tree tops ad the screen fades to
white. Camera fades into a black and white shot of a quaint little living room set. The door
opens to reveal Ashe in a suit. His hair is greased back. He enters the room cheerfully as he
announces in a spanish accent)
Betsy, I'm hooOOoome
(A recorded crowd laughs as Betsy enters the room dressed as Lucielle Ball)
BETSY
Oh Ashley...
ASHE
(Points to a burnt cusion on the sofa)
Besty...what is that?
(Betsy looks nervous to answer)
Betsy, how many times I have to tell you, (makes large arm movements) Do not use wine to
put out your cigarettes
(Crowd laughs)
BETSY
But, Ashley...I didn't...Oh...(Turns to face audience) Whhhhhhaaaaaaaaa....
(Crowd laughs. Screen fades to white and back to the group. Sam has a smirk on her face
and Ashe looks disgusted)
ASHE
That's not funny, Sam
SAM
Sure it is...
ELLIE
Seriously though...what would our lives be like if we never got ahold of the Necromonicon?
(Screen blurs to black. When it returns, Ellie is sitting on a futon in front of a televison in an
appartment that she shares with Ashe. She is talking on the phone, but seems uninterested in
the conversation, almost depressed, as she flips through the channels on tv.)
...Uh huh...Doctor said it'll be a boy, that's nice...uh huh...no, I'm listening...
ASHE
(Bursts into the room. He looks distraught)
What is it about me?! Seriously...Do I give off a weird vibe or something
ELLIE
(Her expression doesn't change as she looks at him and talks into the phone)
Uh...I'm sorry, Kate, I've gotta go....yeah, Ashe is having a bit of a crisis...yeah..okay...talk to
ya later....buh bye
(She hangs up the phone and turns off the tv. She looks back at Ashe)
Is there a problem?
ASHE
What is it about me
ELLIE
You're going to have to be a little more specific with me...
ASHE
(Sits next to Ellie on the futon)
I'm at class flirting with these really cute girls. Everything is going great until they ask me
my name...(Ellie nods)...Then suddenly they are uninterested in me and are doing anything
possible to get out of the conversation...so what is it about me?
ELLIE
(Stares at him)
...you seriously don't know...
ASHE
What? Is there like a sign on my back or something? (Tries to look at his back)
ELLIE
When was the last time you talked to Sam?
ASHE
(looks confused)
I don't know...her graduation party? Haven't really had a desire to keep in contact with
her...why?
ELLIE
(Turns away as she takes a breath and her eyes widen)
Oh boy...
ASHE
What? What is it?
ELLIE
(She stands up and walks over to a book their book shelf)
Sam is a professional writer now...
ASHE
Yeah...I heard that rumor...probably from you
ELLIE
She usually writes reviews on movies, and books, and other forms of entertainment...but she
decided to write an autobiography...it's a number one seller. People like it for her witty sense
of humor...
ASHE
Ok...so how does this effect me?
(Ellie picks up a thick book off the rack and shows it to Ashe. The book read Samantha Bell
an autobiography. Ashe shrugs)
Good for her...
ELLIE
(Walks back to the futon and sits down, handing Ashe the book)
You may want to read it...
ASHE
Is this your way of relieving pick up crises?
ELLIE
Its the CAUSE of your pick up crisis
(Ashe stares at her curiously. Ellie points to the book)
Just read it
ASHE
The whole thing?
ELLIE
Well, no...just the part about her college experience in Southern Pennsylvenia
ASHE
(looks up)
This is not starting out well...
ELLIE
Oh, just wait...(She helps him turn to a particular chapter. Ashe reads it and is eyes widen
and his mouth drops in horror)
ASHE
AH! She -!
ELLIE
Yep...
ASHE
(Reads outloud)
...the most unique person I met during my college was Ashley Trent. Though he refusted to
confess, Ashely posessed a quality that was unlike any normal male being. Any STRAIGHT
male being, that is. Though he tried to hide it by chasing after unattainable women and
appearing to be completely devoted to them, those who knew him, knew it was only an act.
(Ellie rubbed Ashe's back as he continued to read. His tone increasing in volume) This sad
excuse for a man will assign code names for the woman he claims is '..of his dreams' instead
of simply approaching her. His love for comics and cartoons only add to his distinctive
'quality'. Whatever good looks he may have are quickly dimished after he introduces himself.
He is definitely a waste of a potentially good man...!
(Looks at Ellie)
ELLIE
Harsh...I know
ASHE
(Flips through pages)
...And she says nothing bad about you...
ELLIE
Well, not exactly...she does make a comment about me only being friends with you out of
pity...
(Ashe stares at her)
...I guess that's not really an insult on me, is it
ASHE
No
(Looks at the book again)
This is a nightmare! I'll never get a date again!
ELLIE
Sure you will...
(Ashe gives her a look)
What? You still can...as long as she hasn't read this book, that's all
ASHE
With my luck...that'll be impossible...YOU even read it..
ELLIE
Only because it's Sam...I'm not really into reading autobiographies
ASHE
(Slups in the futon)
Life sucks
ELLIE
Tell me about it
ASHE
(Looks at her)
What's wrong with your life?
ELLIE
I just got off the phone with one of my friends from High School...she's pregnat and decided
to brag about it me. I think she knows I'm the last one in our circle of friends that isn't
married. All of my friends are married and having kids. I don't even have a boy friend and
they're all married...
ASHE
(Glares at her. Slowly)
Boo Hoo
ELLIE
Ok, so it's not as terrible as your problem....but it's enough to depress me
ASHE
True...
ELLIE
I'm gonna die alone!
ASHE
You?!
ELLIE
Oh, I'm sure there is some guy out there who will have you...since Sam told the world that
you're gay...not that there's anything wrong with that...
ASHE
The world?!
ELLIE
Yeah...I guess I neglected to mention that it's a WORLD WIDE best seller
ASHE
(bitterly)
Must have slipped your mind
ELLIE
(Slumps down next to Ashe)
How pathetic are we? (Looks him in the eye) Ashe, make a deal with me...if we're not
married by the time we're 35...we marry eachother
ASHE
So, like, we'd be eachother's back up?
ELLIE
Yeah...that way neither of us will die alone
ASHE
(looks at the book)
Maybe we should make the date earlier...
ELLIE
Earlier? Ok...how much earlier?
ASHE
(Leans into Ellie)
This much...(He kisses her. Ellie goes along with it then suddenly pulls away)
ELLIE
Wait! We were just making out!
ASHE
Yeah...so?
ELLIE
Well...we've never done that before
ASHE
Is that a problem?
ELLIE
(Eyes him)
How depressed are you?
ASHE
Depressed enough to want this...not so depressed that I'll regret it later
ELLIE
(thinks for a moment)
Works for me
(They kiss again. There is a loud knock at the door)
ASHE
(Sighs)
Figures
ELLIE
I'll get it...(she kisses him once more and gets up to answer the door. Sam storms into the
room)
SAM
Alright, witch one of you smartass is did it?
ELLIE
Hi, Sam, it's nice to see you too (closes the door)
SAM
Skip the greetings, Ellie...which one of you did it?
ASHE
Did what?
SAM
(She looks at Ellie, then at Ashe, then back at Ellie)
Oh my god...you two were making out!
ELLIE
(Ashe and Ellie look at eachother, shocked. To Sam)
How do you do that?!
SAM
Its a gift. Now, which one of you paid Campbell?
ELLIE
Professor Campbell?
ASHE
I'm not sure I follow you, Sam
SAM
Which one of you paid PROFESSOR Campbell to tell me he is my father?
ELLIE/ASHE
You're what?
SAM
Campbell paid me a little visit today. He told me that he is my father...whichever one of you
did this is playing a really sick joke
ASHE
Oh, that's a sick joke?! What about all that crap you said about me in your book?
SAM
That wasn't crap...it was the trueth
ASHE
You said I'm a waste of a potentially good man!
SAM
I repeat...I only wrote the trueth
ASHE
(picks up a note book and pen)
Chapter One...Samantha Bell is nothing but an Evil Bitch Monster...
ELLIE
Ashe...
ASHE
What? I'm only writhing the truth...
ELLIE
Sam, if you're going to treat my roommate like this, then you can just go....(She opens the
door and is suprised to see someone standing there. She looks at Sam and Ashe, then back at
the new visitor)
How'd I do that?
ALEC
Does Ashley Trent live here?
ASHE
What is this? Pick on Ashe day?
SAM
Everyday is pick on Ashe day
(Ashe glares at her)
ELLIE
May I ask who you...(Looks at him)...Hey, I know you...you're Alec Martin
ALEC
(Proudly)
That I am
ELLIE
Loved you in that Gladiator movie
ALEC
Oh that, that was nothing
ELLIE
So what do you want to see Ashe for?
ALEC
He's my half brother...I've come to reunite with him
ASHE
That's a load of crap...I don't have a brother. And if I did, I think my parents would have
mentioned it
ALEC
They told me they had mention it
ASHE
Well, the didn't
ALEC
We share the same father, Ashley. Apparently before your parents got married,...(Walks in
the room. When he walks by Sam he stops, and smiles) How YOU doin'? (Sam smiles and
rolls her eyes)... Dad and my mother had a fling and I was the result...
ELLIE
So you've already spoken to Ashe's parents?
ALEC
Yes. I finally had time to locate my father...
ASHE
Don't you mean you finally found the time to PAY someone to locate us?
ALEC
...(Ignores Ashe)...His parents told me where to find Ashe
ASHE
So what do you want from me?
ALEC
To get to know you better...for instance...(motions to Ellie who had closed the door and sat
next to Ashe)...Is this your girlfriend?
ASHE
(Looks at Ellie, then back at Alec)
I guess
ALEC
How long have you two been together?
ASHE
Um...(Looks at his watch)...A little over five minutes...
ALEC
Uh huh....ok, how about this...how long have you known each other?
ASHE
Pretty long...(looks at Ellie)
ELLIE
(Thinks) ...About three years now...
ALEC
Ok...so, do you wanna know anything about me?
ASHE
Nah...I can always read up on you in the tabloids
ALEC
I can't believe you don't want to know anything about your long lost brother...
ASHE
I'm don't really believe that you're my brother...
ALEC
Ashley, you are my brother...
(Ashe glares at Alec. Ellie puts her hand on his leg to calm him. He looks at her)
ELLIE
Um...you may want to refrain from calling him Ashley. He really hates it...just stick with
Ashe...
SAM
More proof that my book is real...A guy with a girl's name...
ASHE
(Jumps to his feet. Angrily grabs Sam's arm and pushes her toward the exit)
Allow me to escort you to the door, Sam
SAM
Temper, temper
ASHE
(slams the door in her face and mumbles to himself)
I'll show you a temper, you little...
ELLIE
Ashe...
ALEC
Is he always this way?
ELLIE
Only when he's really annoyed, or when Sam's around...
ALEC
And yet you stick with him
ELLIE
(Ashe sits down on the futon again. Ellie rubs his leg which seems to calm him)
I'm his only link to reality
ALEC
Interesting...
(Scene blurs back to the group laying in the woods by the creek.)
ALEC
My CAREER! I totally forgot! I'm probably fired by now!
ASHE
What a shame...
(Richard returns carrying the Necromonicon)
RICHARD
I had to fight off a few trees to get it, but TA DA!
ELIJAH
How'd you know where to look for it?
RICHARD
Bill told me
ASHE
Let me guess, Bill is the name of the fish
RICHARD
No, Bill is the farmer, DUH!
ELIJAH
Hey Richard, let me see that book. I may be able to find a way to control our jumps...(He
stands up and joins Richard by the bank. Alec looks around)
ALEC
There's a cave over there (smiles at sam)...quickie?
SAM
(rolls her eyes)
If it'll shut you up...
(They leave. Ashe is still laying on the ground. Ellie is sitting up drawling disigns in the
dirt. Ashe lifts his head slightly to see her there)
ASHE
You're not going to check out the book with Elijah?
ELLIE
Nah, he can read that thing better than I can
ASHE
Yeah, but you've read from it before...
ELLIE
But I only know what we learned in Campbell's class...I wouldn't be much help
ASHE
(nods and watches her. She looks down at the ground and makes as little eye contact with
him as possible)...Are you sure everything's ok?
ELLIE
It's stupid...
ASHE
(Sits up) What is?
ELLIE
...I had this dream...about you. (She takes a nervous breath)...I was running through a burning
city that was in ruins. I was looking for you...almost desperate to find you. I looked
everywhere, but I couldn't find you...then it switched to a garden. I was running through a
beautiful garden, and I was crying....(She looks up at Ashe. Her eyes are glossy.) It's really
stupid, I know...
ASHE
Well, it's obviously got you freaked...
ELLIE
I just felt so real...
ASHE
(Moves next to her) Listen...if you ever have that dream again, I want you to remember that
I'll always be here
ELLIE
Where?
ASHE
Here
ELLIE
Where? In Pennsylvania?
ASHE
No! Right here...(puts his arm around her) with you (Ellie smiles and leans her head on
Ashe's shoulder. Ashe smiles and looks over at Elijah who was hitting Richard with the
book)...So have you told Elijah about us?
ELLIE
What do you mean? About the marriage?
ASHE
No about the hot affair we're going to have twice a month after you two get married. Of
course our marriage
ELLIE
(Laughs)...Oh that...No I haven't told him...how do you break something like that to somebody
ASHE
Well, it's not like it meant anything...we were drunk
ELLIE
Still...(Sam and Alec return. They're hair and clothing are a mess. Ashe shudders. Elijah
returns holding the book. Richard is close behind)
ASHE
Any luck?
ELIJAH
Perhaps...I found a chapter that may be useful...but I can't decipher it yet. It may take awhile
ELLIE
Well, it's a start...
(A loud moo and a thump is heard. The group looks to see Richard cow tipping)
ELIJAH
(Laughs) Kids' play...
ALEC
Well, lets get going...(Richard runs over to the group and they disappear in a cloud of evil
dead fog)
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