| Subject: Episode Three: ????? |
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Team Bravo
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Date Posted: 16:37:20 03/14/01 Wed
Life In General
Episode Three: ?????
Scene One: Middle of the woods
Ashe(looks around in panic): H...how did we get here?!
Ellie: The book?
Sam: Oh yeah, Ellie, the book magically removed us from our dorm and placed us here, in the middle
of the woods.
Richard: Groovy.
Ellie and Ashe(look at each other in disbelieve): No way!!!
Sam: Thank you Bill and Ted...
[Richard runs off into the woods]
Ellie: Wait! Where are you going?!
Richard(shouts back): All your base are belong to us!!
Ellie: What?
[The three of them stand around looking at their surroundings. Just then they feel the ground rumble
and Richard comes running holding a gauntlet in his hand followed by a dozen angry knights on
horseback]
Richard: All your base are belong to us!!!
Ellie: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!
[The knights on horseback surround the four of them. Ashe tries to run, but trips over his cast and
falls over.]
Knight #1: Why hast thou taken thy master's gauntlet?
Sam: This isn't real!!
Ashe: Not real?! Then how do you explain all this?!
Sam: I can't, that's what scares me.
Knight #1: Silence peasant!
Sam: Peasant?!
Ellie: Sam, please, don't agitate them.
Knight #2: What shall we do with them, sir?
Knight #3: Let's hang 'um!
Knight #2: No! Look at their clothing, they must be witches!
Ellie: What?!
Richard: Cool, what powers do I have?
Ashe: Shutup Richard!!! We aren't witches!!
Knight #1: Lets take them to the God who fell from the sky.
Knight #2: But, sir, he is leaving as we speak...
Knight #1: Then we must act quickly...seize them!!
Knight #3: (Grabs Ashe and struggles to pull him on the horse.) What is this infernal cocoon on thy
leg?!
Ashe: Ah...
Knight #3: Oh well, King Arthur will remove it from thy leg.
Ashe: No, you can't...
[The knights grab the four of them and ride off to King Arthur castle.]
Scene Two: In King Arthur Castle
[Ellie, Sam, and Richard are on their knees with their hands tied behind their back. Ashe is sitting on
the floor with Knights surrounding him.]
King Arthur: Who are these peasants?
Knight #1: We caught this one (pokes Richard in the back with his sword) when he tried to steal thy
gauntlet your majesty.
Richard: I didn't steal it, it's mine!! I found it!!
Sam: Like you found the Necromonicon...
Prof. Campbell: Who found the Necromonicon?
Ashe: Prof. C! You have to help us!!
Prof. Campbell: Professor? What are you talking about you disgusting primate? I work at S-Mart.
Sam: S-Mart? Now I know this an act.
King Arthur: What do you suggest we do with them?
Knight #3: I say we hang 'um!
Prof. Campbell: No!
Knight #1: But sir...
Prof Campbell: Are you deaf?! (Examines the four of them. Points to Sam, Ellie, and Richard)
Those three are healthy. They could be useful....(looks at Ashe)...throw the lame one in the pit.
Ashe: What?! No!! Prof. C...!!!
[The knights take Ashe to the pit and throw him in.]
Ellie: I thought you killed all of the deadites
Prof. Campbell(stares at Ellie curiously): Yes...
Sam: So, exactly how is that torture?
Prof. Campbell: Wait for it....
[heard from the pit]
Bitchy: I'll swallow your soul!
Ashe: AH!!! Get me out of here!!!
Sam: That sounded like, Betsy...
Ellie: What's down there?
Prof. Campbell: Not to worry, it's just a terribly annoying town's woman. She went insane after the
battle and thinks she's a deadite. We put her down there for her own safety.
Ashe: Get away from me, Bitchy!!!
Bitchy: Don't call me bitchy! I'm a deadite, damnit!!
Sam: That's Betsy alright.
Richard(looking in the pit): Whoa! Dude, she's knawling on his cast!
Ashe: Get off me damnnit!!!
Betsy: I'll swallow your soul!
Sam: Being stuck in a pit with Bitchy....that's hell for anyone..
Richard: Here Ashe...(he rips the cape off of King Arthur and tosses it to Ashe.) Use this...
Ashe: Uh...Richard
Richard: Wait...(he runs and grabs a large stick and throws it to Ashe) here...
Ashe: Thank you Richard, are there any other useless items you can throw down here?
Richard: Hold on...
Ashe: No, I didn't...(sighs)...nevermind. (looks at stick and cape. He shrugs and throws the cape on
Bitchy.
Bitchy: Hey! I can't see!
Ashe: That's the idea...(He proceeds to beat her with the stick)...you have no idea how much I've
wanted to do this...
Prof. Campbell: Ok, take him out.
Richard: Aw, come on...it was just getting good. (looks at the Knight's helmet in his hand...shrugs and
puts it on)
Prof. Campbell: I don't want him destroying the only means of torture we have left.
Ellie: Only?
Prof. Campbell: Well, the only one that gives us use of this pit... and it requires no real commitment
on our part.(To Ashe, who is now out of the pit) Now, lets take you to Merlin...he may be able to fix
your leg.
Sam: Merlin? Ok, this is just getting ridiculous.Scene Three: Woods
[Ellie, Sam, Ashe, Richard, Prof. Campbell, and King Arthur are walking in the woods to Merlin's
hut.]
Ellie(notices Prof. Campbell is looking around the woods cautiously): Is everything ok, Professor
Campbell? You seem a little tense...
Prof. Campbell: Tense? I'm not tense! (looks at the surrounding trees)...I just...don't trust the trees...
Ellie: You don't trust the trees?!
Sam: What, do you think they are going to rape you?
Prof. Campbell: You useless primates, you wouldn't understand.
Ashe: Prof. C, what possessed you to go to that cabin in the woods in the first place? I mean, it has
horror movie written all over it!
Prof. Campbell: Probably for the same reason you went there...
Ellie: We didn't go there.
Prof. Campbell: What? You had to have gone to the cabin. How else would you have gotten ahold
of the book of the dead?
Sam: Because you brought it into class! You "borrowed" it from the Smithsonian.
Prof. Campbell: And why would I do that?!
Ellie: To prove to Sam that your lessons about the deadites were true.
Prof. Campbell: Lessons? I don't know where you're coming up with this crazy story...
Sam: And we don't know where you came up with your deadite stories..
Prof. Campbell(glares at Sam): But I am not and will never be, a Professor.
Sam: One can only hope.
Ashe(Sees Richard chasing something behind the bushes): Richard, leave the animals alone.
Ellie: What are you after this time?
Richard: Thing.
Sam: Does this "Thing" have a name?
Richard: That is its name....Thing.
Ashe: Ok then, we will let you chase after this so called "Thing"
Richard: I'm gonna prove that the Adams Family is a true story.
Ellie: What? You can't prove that the Adams Family is real.
Sam: Because its not.
Richard: Yes I can....(grabs creature behind the bushes)...Because I found Thing. [He holds up a
decaying hand that is struggling to be free of his grip]
Ashe: Richard! That's not Thing!
Prof. Campbell: That's my hand!! Drop it!!
Richard: Why?
Ashe: Because it's an evil dead hand, ya dumbass!!!
Richard: No need to bring Ellie into this...
Ellie: Richard, put the hand down!!
Sam: Bet you never thought you'd be saying that...
[The hand jumps out of Richard's hand and grabs his face, shoving him against the tree]
Ashe: Damnit! I wanted to do that!
[Richard manages to yank the hand off his face and throws it on the ground]
Ellie: Do you think he's possessed now?
Sam: You mean he wasn't before?
[The hand heads in Ashe's direction.]
Ashe(points his crutches at the hand): Back! Keep away from me!
Sam: You've never looked more ridiculous...
Ashe: Shutup Widowmaker! [The hand approaches Ashe and he starts to beat it with his crutch. He
looses his balance and falls over]
Ellie: Some Captain, he is defeated by an evil dead hand.
[The hand jumps on Ashe's chest. Richard runs over and grabs King Arthur's sword.]
Richard: I know this one...full body dismemberment... [he holds the sword up over the hand, and
Ashe]
Ashe: RICHARD!! NO!!!
Ellie: Get it off him first Richard!
Richard: No time! Nice knowing ya, Cap...
Ashe: What?!
Ellie: Richard, freeze! [Richard froze with the sword lifted above his head. Ellie grabbed a stick and
brushed the evil dead hand off Ashe's chest and onto the ground] Now, kill the hand...
Richard: [turns toward the hand and begins to chop the hand into pieces.] Take that...and that...and
that...
Sam: Just think Ashe, that could've been you...
Ashe: Yes, how very reassuring. Thank you dumbass....I think it's time we all got a promotion...I'm
the Colonel, Widowmaker you're now the Commander, Sergeant is now Lt., and Dumbass, you're now
Sergeant.
Ellie: Whoo hoo
Ashe: that kind of attitude will get you busted down, dumbass.
Sam: Would you mind getting off your ass so we can go see this "Merlin" character.
Ashe(stands up): I don't have to take this kind of treatment....I'm the Colonel.
Sam(dryly): Whatever you say, Colonel.
Ashe: I don't like your attitude, Widowmaker.
Prof. Campbell: Widowmaker? How many men have you killed?
Sam: I haven't....
Ashe: Widowmaker is one of the most deadly members of Team Bravo....next to Lt Sales, of course.
Sam: I want now part of this...
Ashe: There is only one man whom she has failed to kill...
Sam All I wanted to do was go back to my dorm and relax. But no, Richard had to steal the book of
the dead from Professor Campbell's class room and force me to read from it...
Ellie: He didn't force you....you took it from him...
Sam: Forced...wanting to prove Professor Campbell wrong...its all the same...
Prof. Campbell: Would all of you pathetic excuses for human beings just shutup!! We're here...
Scene Four: Merlin's Hut
[Ashe is presented to Merlin. Merlin examine's his leg.]
Merlin: How did this cocoon form on thy leg?
Ashe: Well, I was hit by a jeep...
Richard(far off look in his eye): Ah...jeep...
Ashe: Anyway, I was hit by a jeep and broke my leg.
Merlin: Fixing a broken leg is a simple spell for me, but how does one remove this strange cocoon?
Ashe: It's not a cocoon! It's a cast!
Prof. Campbell(has the chainsaw on his arm): I'll handle that...
Ashe: What?! No!! That's a chainsaw!! (to Ellie and Sam) He's trying to kill me...AGAIN!!!
Prof. Campbell: Now, hold still...[Prof. Campbell lowers the chainsaw as Ashe screams the entire
time.]...There...
Ellie: Professor Campbell....you sliced into his leg! He's gonna bleed to death!
Ashe: PAIN! LOTS OF PAIN!!! Getting woozy...
Prof. Campbell: Pain?! You want real pain?! Try having to cut off your own hand with a
chainsaw...that's pain.
Sam: What idiot would do that?!
Ashe: It's getting dark...
Merlin: Well, I must act quickly then. [he pours a strange ointment on Ashe's leg-which makes him
scream even louder-and begins chanting. Smoke fills the room. When the smoke clears, Ashe's leg is
healed.]
Ashe: I don't believe it...it worked! It actually worked! [stands up and falls over]
Sam: It worked...you don't.
Merlin: Oh yes, I forgot to mention that your leg will feel a little numb for a few hours.
Ashe: Hours?!
King Arthur: Silence peasant! You should be grateful to Merlin for healing you.
Ashe: Sure. And while I'm at it, why don't I thank Professor C. for trying to amputate my leg?!?!
Prof. Campbell: That's enough out of you. I say we make them slaves!
Ashe: Wait! No! Professor C. you can't! We're just like you!!
Prof. Campbell: There is no way you could possibly be anything like me.
Sam: You'd be surprised.
Ellie: Look, all we want to do, is get back home. Does anyone know how we can do that?
Sam: Click your heals three times and say, "there's no place like home..."
Ellie: You're not helping
Sam: I'm not trying.
Merlin: You must go to the cemetery. There you will find the Necrimonicon Des Mortes. You must
all touch the book as one of you recites these words "Klatu verata nectu". Then you will return to
where ever it is you came from.
Ashe: Got it. Now, lets go find that book...
Scene Five: Cemetery
Ellie: This place gives me the creeps. [sees Richard digging up one of the graves] Richard! What
are you doing?! Stop that!!
Richard(picks up a piece of gold jewelry): Dude! Look what I found!
Sam: Once again, something you didn't find.
Richard: I did to find it. It was in the ground.
Sam: No, that was in someone's grave....and that's what we call, grave robbing.
Ashe: That's just sick! Put it down, Richard.
[Richard puts it back in the grave and the walk up to the pedestal where the book of the dead was
said to be. When they reach it, there were three books placed on the pedestal]
Ashe: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute, hold it! Nobody said anything about three books. I
mean what are we supposed to do? Take one? Take them all?
Sam: Are you finished with your movie quoting.
Ashe: What?
Ellie: Ashe, we already know that the right book is the book in the middle. We saw the movie
Sam: Unless you wanna be sucked into a black hole, and then bitten by the cover.
Ashe: Well sure if you wanna take all the fun away...
Ellie: Ok, we're all supposed to touch it. (Looks up) Richard, stop grave robbing and get over here!
[They all place a hand on the Necromicon Des Mortes.]
Ashe: Ok, now for the words...Klatu verata n...n...
Ellie: Don't you remember the words?
Ashe: Definitly an "n" word...
Sam: Does anyone remember the words?
Ellie: All I can think of is Professor Campbell coughing the last word.
Ashe: So what do we do?
Sam: Oh it doesn't really mean anything anyway, watch....Klatu verata nickel
Ashe: NICKEL?!
Ellie: Oh, this isn't good...[Evil dead fog surrounds them.]
Scene Six: New frountier
[Sam, Ellie, and Richard stare at Ashe who has a stunned look on his face.]
Ellie: Ashe?
Ashe(Sees a stage coach headed in their direction): Horse!
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