| Subject: Episode One: Project Alpha Tango |
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Team Bravo
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Date Posted: 16:15:48 03/14/01 Wed
Life in General
Episode One: Project Alpha Tango
Scene One: School Cageteria, Lunch
Ashe: God, I hate Betsy, I'm serious. I thought it was just a first semester thing, but she's become
more of a bitch. I don't even want to call her Betsy anymore, hell I don't want to call her by her
nickname, Bitzy, either.
Sam: Why don't you just call her Bitchy?
Ashe(enthusiastically): Hey, Sam, that's a good idea.
Ellie: You know what Ashe?
Ashe: What's that Ellie?
Ellie: I'm suprised you didn't think of that sooner.
Sam: Well, technically I thought of it.
Ashe: Technicalities aside, from this point forward Betsy shall be known as Bitchy.
[Richard appears at the table, pours salt in Ellie's drink]
Richard: The meaning of life can be deciphered by a close study of the caf's salad bar.
[Richard leaves]
Ashe: Strangly enough, that makes sense.
Sam: And that ladies and gentlemen, is the future leader of our country.
Ellie: Well that's it, I'm moving to Canada.
Sam: Canada?
Ellie: Yeah, I've been to Mexico on my Youth Group trip and it was really hot, and I couldn't speak
much Spanish and...
[Ashe zones out and beguns to stare at a young woman standing at the salad bar]
Sam(under breath): Heard this one before.
[Notices Ashe looking at the girl]
Sam: What's he doing?
Ellie: Beats me, as I was saying...
Ashe: My she's pretty.
Sam: "My she's pretty", have we suddenly been transported back to the '50's?
Ellie: Who's pretty?
Ash(points): That girl.
Sam: What girl?
Ellie: I dont see anyone.
Sam: There's a cafeteria full of people!
Ellie: I still don't know what he's talking about.
Ashe(emphatically): That girl! [The girl looks at their table] Ah! She saw me.
Sam: No really, what made you think that?
Ashe: Because she...[pauses] Oh, I get it, sarcasm.
Sam: Ok, I'm done...let's go.[Grabs her tray to leave]
Ashe: What?! We aren't leaving!
[Sam and Ellie roll their eyes]
Twenty minutes later
Sam: Can we leave now?
Ashe: What's the matter, can't handle the pressure?
Ellie: Pressure, I don't see how this is pressure.
Sam: Annoying? Yes. Pressure, not quite.
Ellie: How long must we wait?
Ashe: Until she comes over here.
Sam: And why would she do that? For all she knows you're just a creepy guy staring at her.
Ashe: I'm using my telepathic powers to contact her and tell her to come to me.
Sam: Ok, that's it, we're leaving.
Ashe: Wait!!!!
[Sam and Ellie take their trays to the dish room, Ashe scurries to follow them]
Dish Washer: Let me take that for you, Dish Messiah.
Ellie: I really wish they'd stop calling you that.
Sam: I still can't believe you got them to think you are the Dish Messiah.
Ashe: It's all about knowing what you want. I know what I want, and I go for it.
Ellie: Then how come you didn't go after that girl?
Ashe: That's enough out of you.
Scene Two: Sam and Ellie's Room
Ashe: She was so pretty...
Sam: SHUTUP!!!
Ashe: I can't help it. Her bewitching stare has captivated my heart. I must have her!!
Ellie: Stare? What stare? She glanced at you...
Ashe: IT WAS A STARE!!!!
Sam: Oh, obviously...
(Richard slides in on rollerblades and crashes into the doorway.)
Ellie: You're getting better...nothing got broken this time.
Richard: My hours of practice are paying off...(he slips and falls)
Sam: Hours of practice, huh?
Richard: Well, fifteen minutes before I came here...
Sam: That's not quite the same.
Richard: Hey, at least I didn't break anything, like last time.
Sam: Oh, BRAVO!
Ashe:...THAT'S IT!!
Ellie: What's it?
Ashe: I have used my cunning and genius to devise a plan to make that girl mine!
Richard: What girl?
Sam: This girl he saw in the caf. She "captivated him with her bewitching stare..."
Richard: Uh huh....
Ashe: Anyway, back to my ingenious plan....
Sam: Oh, yes, please tell us.
Ashe: I will. Instead of directly approaching this girl, as I normally would any other, I will create a
special task force with the mission of gathering information on this girl. I shall call it TEAM
BRAVO!
Richard: That's a good idea.
Ashe: I know
Ellie: Who is going to be a part of this Team Bravo?
Ashe: Well, I shall be in command as Captain Bravo. My executive officer will be Sam...codenamed:
Commander Widowmaker.
Sam: Oh goody...
Richard: Speaking of Jeeps. I really want one. Do you wanna buy my car Ellie?
Ellie: I already own a car.
(Richard gives her a vacant stare)
Ashe: That's it! Richard...you shall be Sergent Sales.
Richard: Sgt. Sales...I like that. (salutes Ashe)
Ellie: What about me?
Ashe:What do you want your name to be?
Ellie: Oh, I get to pick?
Ashe: I'm just too lazy to think one up for you.
Ellie: How bout' dumbass?
(Sam and Richard look at each other. Ashe rolls his eyes.)
Ashe: You know, just for that kind of insolense, that will be your name.
Ellie: No! I was only kidding!
Ashe: Too late, Private Dumbass.
Ellie: How come I'm only private?
Ashe: Because you sassed me. Captain Bravo does not respond to sass well. Does he, Widowmaker?
Sam: No, not at all.
Richard: When do I get my gun?
Ashe: That's the spirit Sgt. Remeber back in Nam' when we were in that POW camp, and we had to
endure the horrors of sodomy?
Richard: Ah yes, the sodomy. That takes me back....
Scene Three: Professor Campbell's Classroom
[Sam and Ellie enter the classroom]
Prof. Campbell: So glad you could make it to class today, Ladies. [Ashe enters with a smirk on his
face.] Well hello Mr. Fancy pants!
Ashe: Hey Professor C.
Prof. Campbell: Don't call me that.
[Ashe takes his seat.]
Ellie: Ashe, what did you do yesterday?
Ashe (points to a burn mark on the far wall): See that mark on the wall?
Ellie: Yeah....
Ashe: Boom.
Sam: How do you manage to blow things up in History class?
Ashe: Well I am the Captain.
Sam: So you say.
Prof. Campbell: If you're all done with your meaningless conversations, we can begin today's lesson.
First off, does anyone have any questions?
Ditzy Girl: Professor Campbell, I have a question...
Prof. Campbell: Does this have anything to do with how I lost my hand?
Ditzy Girl: Um...no...
Prof. Campbell: (Sighs) Ask you're question.
Ditzy Girl: How did you lose you're right hand?
Prof. Campbell (rolls eyes and raises left hand): Anyway...
Ashe: Professor Campbell....[Professor Campbell says nothing and points to the mark on the wall]...Oh
right.
Prof. Campbell: And I wonder why we're five lessons behind all the other classes. Anyway, back to
Medieval History. The court under King Arthur was plagued by and undead race they call the
Deadites...
Sam: Professor Campbell, nowhere in the textbook does it say anything about these so called
"Deadites"
Prof. Campbell: Samantha, what have I told you time and again about those textbooks?
Sam: It was written by greedy, back-stabbing capitalists.
Prof. Campbell: You're learning.
Scene Four: Walking to Dorm
[Richard bursts out of the door and runs toward Ashe, Sam, and Ellie]
Richard: RUN FOR YOU'RE LIVES!!! IT'S A FIRE DRILL!!! [Keeps running]
Ellie: I don't hear anything. [Siren begins to sound inside the dorm. Ashe and Sam stare at each
other blankly.] How does he get away with this kind of stuff all the time.
Sam: Only God knows.
Ashe: That's why he's on Team Bravo.
Sam: Plus they think he's mentally handicapped.
[Betsy walks out of the building followed by all the other residents of the dorm. She walks over to
Sam, Ashe, and Ellie.]
Betsy: What's going on?!
Ashe: Speaking of mentally handicapped...
Sam and Ellie: Hi Bitzy.
Betsy: Hi guys.
Ashe: Hi Bitchy.
Betsy: What?! What did you call me?!
Ashe: Bitchy
Betsy: Shutup Ashe!!
Ellie: Oooo, burn.
Betsy: You're making fun of me because of my lazy eye, aren't you?
Sam: You have a lazy eye?
Betsy: SHUTUP!!
[Weird Wayne is walking and talking with Project Alpha Tango. He puts his arm around her.]
Sam: Uh oh, looks like Weird Wayne is courting your philly, Ashe.
Richard: Is the coast clear?
Ellie: Ah! How did you get over there?
Richard: That's classified information...I could tell you but-
Ellie: Yes I know, you'd have to kill me.
Richard: No, I'd make you tell me you're secrets really fast and then get some mints and SHOVE UM
IN YOUR EYE!!!
Elllie: Right....
Ashe[Still looking at project alpha tango]: Team Bravo, I have a new project for you.
Sam: Oh great...
Ashe: I'm going to call it Operation Beta Charlie...destroy Weird Wayne.
Richard: Ha ha! I'm already two steps ahead of you, Captain. [He runs and grabs a snowball and
throws it at Weird Wayne. It hits Weird Wayne in the face]
Ellie: Oh, man! That's gotta hurt.
Ashe: It was a good shot, wasn't it.
Sam: Nothing I couldn't have done.
Ashe: That's why you're the Widowmaker.
[Weird Wayne bends over, spitting out snow.]
Alpha Tango[patting his back]: Aww, are you ok?
[Ashe is bending over laughing.]
Weird Wayne: I'm gonna kill you, Richard!!
[Ashe is now on the ground, still laughing]
Richard: Bring it on, little man!
[Weird Wayne walks up to Richard, with his hands on his hips. Richard just stares at him. Weird
Wayne notices Ashe lying on the ground laughing. He walks over to Ashe.]
Weird Wayne: Get up Ashe. [Ashe stands up, still laughing. Wayne gives him a threatening shove.]
Ashe (expression changes to complete seriousness. He drops his coat, grabbs Wayne by his shirt and
pushes him up against the tree.): Don't ever touch me again. (releases Wayne)
Weird Wayne: Hey I'm just kidding man.
Ashe: I know.
Weird Wayne: Here, let me get your coat. [puts the coat on Ashe and walks with Alpha Tango to the
caf.]
Ellie: And that's why you're the Captian. [Richard salutes Ashe. Alpha Tango looks back and smiles
at Ashe.]
Ashe(freaks out): Dah! Did you see that!?
Ellie: See what?
Ashe: She smiled at me!
Sam: Sure she did, Ashe. Now back to reality...
Ashe(points at Sam): I KNOW WHAT I SAW!!!
Ellie: We know that, Ashe, that's why the men in the white jackets took you away last time...
Ashe: Doh! YOU! Widowmaker, what's below Private?
Sam: I don't know, Civilian?
Ellie: NO!!
Ashe: You're pushing it, Private Dumbass....now, lets be on our way to dinner.
Sam: Dinner? It's four o'clock!
Ashe: Where Alpa Tango goes, we follow.
Scene Five: School Cafeteria, Dinner
Ashe: So, how do I get her attention?
Ellie: Why don't you just jump up on the table and call her over?
Sam: You really want to be demoted, don't you?
Ashe: Wait, she may be onto something...
Ellie: I am?
Ashe: You could make Sergeant for this...if it works...I'll be right back.
Sam: I don't like this....I don't like this at all.
Ellie: Me either.
Sam: Then why did you say anything ya dumbass.
Richard: Hence the name.
[All of the dish people leave the dish room and form a circle around Alpha Tango and Weird Wayne's
table.]
Sam: Oh no, why am I suddenly afraid?
Ellie: Where's a video camera when you need one.
Richard: Right here!
Ellie: Why did you bring a video camera to dinner?
Richard: I always come prepared.
Sam: Give me that. This kind of machinery should stay in the hands of a professional.
Ellie: Professional? You dropped Telecom, remember?
Sam: When I say professional, I mean someone other than Richard. [Richard gives a big smile.]
Ellie: Ah, yes. That makes more sense.
[The music for the song Beautiful Day by U2 comes on over the speakers. Ashe is still unseen as he
begins singing the first verse of Beautiful Day. The dish people are all doing a choreographed
background dance to the song.]
Sam: Well, at least he has good taste in music.
[Just before the chorus comes, Ashe runs in and attempts to jump on top of Alpha Tango's table. He
stumbles the first time, but makes it the second time. At the same time, Richard pulls Weird Wayne's
chair away from the table. Ashe begins singing the chorus of the song. After the chorus, Ashe turns
to Richard and reaches out his hand. Richard hands him a helium balloon. Ashe inhales the helium
and the music switches to Stayin' Alive by the Beegees. Ashe and Richard begin to do their own
choreographed dance while singing the song.]
Sam: I spoke too soon.
Ellie: You're getting all this on film, right?
Sam: Hell yeah!
[Ashe gives Ellie a look that said to join in. Ellie shook her head no, and remained seated. Richard
runs up, pulls her chair out from under her, and pulls her onto the 'dance floor' with Ashe. The
music for Shake Your Groove Thing comes on. The three of them begin to do a choreographed dance
to the song with sunglasses on. Sam shakes her head, but keeps recording. After Shake Your Groove
Thing was over, the music changed to Get Ready For This by 2Unlimited. Richard steps in front of
Ashe and Ellie and starts to do his own version of Riverdance. Ashe and Ellie stare at each other.
By the second chorus they shrug their shoulders and join in. Prof. Campbell walks in holding an air
horn.]
Prof. Campbell(after blowing the air horn, silence falls over the caf): Yes. See this (holding air horn
in the air)...this, is my BOOMSTICK!! That's right. Five bucks at S-Mart. Top of the line. Shop
smart, shop S-Mart.
Ashe: Hey Mr. C.
Prof. Campbell: I've warned you before, Ashe. [he grabs Ashe and starts dragging him out of the caf.
The dish people return to the dish room. In an over dramatic voice, Ashe begins singing a Whitney
Houston song known all too well.]
Ashe(singing): And I....... will always, love you........
Scene Six: Sam and Ellie's Room...Again.
[Ellie is typing on her computer, Alpha Tango is sitting on Ellie's bed watching tv with Sam who is
laying on her bed.]
Ashe(open's door proudly, talking in a deep, overdramatic voice.): I have returned!
Sam: I thought they took you away.
Ashe: Ha ha! There social chains cannot hold Captain Bravo!
Ellie: You escaped, didn't you?
Ashe: That's neither here nor there! The important point is, that i have returned....to resume my role
of leadership in Team Bravo..[Ellie buries head in hand and tries to signal Ashe that Alpha Tango is
behind him.]..and show Alpha Tango what kind of a man I really am. A man who is not afraid
to..(notices Ellie's signals. Back in normal voice) what? [Turns around and sees Alpha Tango]..Oh
crap.
Alpha Tango: My name is Mia. {From hence forth, Alpha Tango shall be known as Mia.}
[Ashe gives Mia a vacant stare]
Sam: Thank you, Mia! For the first time ever he is speechless!
Mia: What motivated you to sing to me in a cafeteria full of people?
[Ashe remains in his vacant stare]
Ellie: You see, he's a border lined physco. He's harmless really...
Ashe: That's enough out of you, Private. [Richard skates by, grabs the door and pulls himself into the
room.]
Richard: Ah, well then...I see we have a prisoner.
Sam: There's the real physco.
Richard(spins around in rollerblades): Where - ah! [he falls over]
Ashe: Good job, Richard. That was....almost athletic. [Sit's down on Sam's bed, facing Mia] W...what
are you....what are you doing here?
Mia: I was curious to find out why a guy I have never seen before today, would publically humiliate
himself like that.
Ashe: Yeah, it was kind of a spur of the moment bone head maneuver...I'm sorry if I embarrassed
you.
Mia: Actually, I thought it was sweet.
Sam: By sweet, you mean insane, right?
Mia: No, actually I really do mean sweet. No guy has ever done something like that for me before.
Ashe: Why were you going to dinner with Weird Wayne?
Mia: Weird Wayne?
Ellie: Yeah, that's what a majority of this dorm calls him.
Mia: I wish I would've known that before I went to dinner.
Richard: You're not dating him are you...because that's one step away from....suicide.
Mia: He wanted to, but...I really didn't want to date anyone up here...
Ashe(disappointed): Oh...
Mia: Until now.
Ashe(perks up and points to Ellie): You heard that this time! [turns to Sam] So did you! [to Richard,
who is rummaging through Ellie's dresser drawer.] And so did you!
Richard: What?
Ellie(sees Richard): Get out of there! [Richard quickly closes the drawer and backs away as if he
hadn't done anything.]
Mia: I was just about to go over to my dorm and watch a movie...would you guys like to come over?
Ashe(Jumps up enthusiastically): Would I?! [Calms himself] I mean...let me check my calendar...yes.
Ellie: You didn't even move!
Ashe: Silence you!
Scene Seven: In Mia's room Watching Army of Darkness
TV: Well hello Mr. Fancy Pants!
[Sam, Ellie, and Ashe all stare at tv, confused.]
Ellie: Does that sound at all familiar to anyone else?
TV: Run the Deadites are coming!!
Sam: Well, its good to know that Prof. Campbell gets his lesson plan from cheesy cult movies.
Richard(holding the box to the movie): Hey this stars Bruce Campbell! [Ellie, Sam, and Ashe star at
each other.
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