| Subject: Episode 2.6: The Last Crusade |
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Date Posted: 15:26:22 08/22/02 Thu
Life In General
EPISODE 2.6: The Last Crusade
OPENING SCENE i.
VENICE, ITALY 1936. THE SCENE IS AN OUTDOOR CAFÉ. ROUND TABLES ARE ARRANGED ON A BRICK FLOOR. THIS FLOOR IS PART OF A RAISED TERRACE, WITH A FOUNTAIN IN THE MIDDLE. THE TABLES ARE ALL FILLED WITH PATRONS. THE PEOPLE ARE ENJOYING LUNCH, WINE, AND EACH OTHER’S COMPANY. A SOFT ITALIAN BAND PLAYS SOOTHING MUSIC. SUDDENLY THERE IS A BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT, STARTLING THE PEOPLE. WHEN IT SUBSIDES THE PEOPLE ARE STUNNED TO SEE THE GROUP THAT HAS APPEARED IN THEIR MIDST. SAM IS SITTING ON THE LAP OF A YOUNG MAN, WHO IS SITTING OPPOSITE A YOUNG WOMAN. THE YOUNG WOMAN PROMPTLY SLAPS THE YOUNG MAN AND THROWS HER DRINK IN HIS FACE BEFORE LEAVING THE TABLE. SAM IS JUST AS SHOCKED AS THE YOUNG MAN. SHE IS DRESSED IN GRAY SLACKS, AND WHITE BLOUSE AND SUSPENDERS. HER HAIR IS DONE UP TO THE PERIOD STYLE. CUT TO ELLIE AND ELIJAH. BOTH OF THEM ARE STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ITALIAN BAND. THE BAND IS VERY UPSET TO SEE THEM INTERRUPT THE MUSIC. ELLIE SMILES AT THE BAND LEADER BEFORE DROPPING A QUARTER IN THE OPEN VIOLIN CASE. ELLIE IS DRESSED IN TAN RIDING PANTS AND BOOTS. HER SHIRT IS OFF-WHITE AND BUTTON DOWN. HER HAIR IS PULLED BACK IN A SIMPLE PONYTAIL. ELIJAH IS WEARING A BLACK SUIT WITH A WHITE SHIRT, BLACK TIE, AND BLACK FEDORA. HE ALSO HAS BLACK, LEATHER GLOVES ON. CUT TO RICHARD. HE IS SITTING IN AN EMPTY CHAIR TALKING CHARMINGLY TO A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN ACROSS FROM HIM. THE WOMAN IS SURPRISED, YET INTRIGUED. RICHARD IS WEARING NAVY BLUE SLACKS, AND A WHITE SHIRT WITH A BLUE TIE. HE HAS WIRE RIMMED SUNGLASSES ON. CUT TO THE FOUNTAIN. SUDDENLY, ASHE AND ALEC POP UP FOR AIR FROM THE FOUNTAIN. ALEC IS WEARING INDIANA JONES WEAR, COURTESY OF LUCASFILM. ASHE IS DRESSED AS RICK O’CONNEL FROM THE MUMMY BY UNIVERSAL STUDIOS. BOTH BROTHERS LOOK AT EACH OTHER. ASHE PUSHES HIS WET HAIR BACK WITH HIS HAND. ALEC LOOKS AROUND AT THE SCENE.
ALEC
…Ah, Venice.
OPENING CREDITS ROLL.
SCENE i.
THE GROUP IS DESCENDING THE STAIRS OF THE CAFÉ. ASHE AND ALEC ARE USING TABLE NAPKINS TO DRY OFF.
SAM
Well where are we this time?
ELLIE
Judging from the layout and our clothes. I’d say we’re in Venice, Italy sometime during the 1930’s.
SAM
…and that newspaper you’re hoarding under your arm didn’t give you any clues?
ELLIE TRIES TO TUCK THE PAPER UNDER HER ARM FARTHER, BUT TO NO AVAIL. SAM GRABS IT FROM HER AND OPENS IT UP. THE GROUP REACHES A PARK BENCH IN THE TOWN SQUARE. SAM, ELLIE AND ELIJAH SIT DOWN. ASHE AND ALEC CONTINUE TO DRY OFF, WHILE PASSER-BYS STARE AT THEM. RICHARD NOTICES A BUTTERFLY AND BEGINS TO CHASE IT.
SAM
Hey, this is an American newspaper. It’s dated June 18, 1936…blah blah blah, war in Europe killing thousands…yadda yadda yadda…Hitler may turn sights to America…woah!
ASHE
What is it?
SAM
It says here that Barnett College’s noted professor of medieval history was declared missing after he disappeared from an assignment he was on in Venice, Italy. The professor was apparently hired by millionaire philanthropist, Laurence Reeves, to find both the Holy Grail and the Ark of the Covenant for his personal collection. Although his expedition was shunned by the archaeological community, the professor’s disappearance has prompted widespread concern over the actual existence of the Grail. There have even been rumors that Nazi Germany is developing its own team of archaeologists to locate these items. The U.S. government has no official position in these matters.
ELIJAH
…Um…I know I’m going to get smacked for this, but, so what?
SAM ROLLS HER EYES. SHE TURNS THE PAPER TO FACE THE GROUP. THEIR EXPRESSION CHANGES TO ONE OF SHOCK AND DISBELIEF.
SAM
Because the professor’s name is Dr. Henry Jones!
SCENE CUTS TO THE NEWSPAPER. A PICTURE OF BRUCE CAMPBELL, WITH A BEARD, OVAL GLASSES, AND A HENRY JONES HAT IS SEEN.
SCENE ii.
SAM IS STORMING AWAY FROM THE PARK BENCH. SHE THROWS THE PAPER DOWN ON THE GROUND. ELLIE FOLLOWS HER, LEAVING THE REST OF THE GROUP BEHIND.
ELLIE
Sam, hey, slow down! What’s gotten into you?
SAM
Of all the irresponsible, idiotic, brainless things a person could do! HE has to be the one to do it!
ELLIE
Wait a minute, you’re actually concerned about Professor Campbell?
SAM
No, of course not. I’m just worried about the effect that moron is having on history. I mean, sure we’ve messed with a few things, but nothing as serious as going after the Ark of the Covenant! Who knows what that will do to our present time. And now that that Nazis are actually getting involved…
ELLIE
This wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that he’s your father, would it?
SAM
He is NOT my father!
ELLIE
Well, what can we do about it, Sam?
SAM
I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. First, I’m going to call Barnett College and tell them that “Dr. Henry Jones” is clinically insane. That will hopefully discourage anyone from tracking his progress and finding the Ark, or the Grail. Then, I’m going to find the Necromonicon and get the hell out of here.
ELLIE
You’re not going to rescue him?
SAM
What the hell for? He was obviously only thinking of himself when he went after his damned fortune and glory trophies. He can just rot wherever he is for all I care.
ELLIE
Sure Sam, whatever you say.
SCENE iii.
HOTEL VENICE. THE GROUP IS SITTING IN THEIR ROOM. SAM IS ON THE PHONE WITH BARNETT COLLEGE. RICHARD IS LOOKING AT A GUIDE TO VENICE. ELIJAH IS LYING ON THE BED, AND ELLIE IS PLAYING WITH HIS HAIR. ASHE AND ALEC ARE TALKING ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROOM.
SAM
No, I don’t want to enroll for the fall semester! I’m trying to reach the archaeology department. Woah! Wait a minute! It’s about Dr. Jones…What…? Who am I?…Uh…I’m his…daughter, Dr. Samantha Jones…
ELLIE LOOKS AT SAM. SAM CUPS HER HAND OVER THE MOUTHPIECE OF THE PHONE.
SAM
What? If he can pretend to be a doctor, so can I.
ELLIE ROLLS HER EYES. SAM GOES BACK TO TALKING.
SAM
Yes, that’s right…What? He left a package for me…but how could he…oh, ok. I’m staying at the Hotel Venice. Yeah, the one in Italy. How many Venice’s are there in the world…No, I don’t want you to check!…Just mail the package to me please. Room 204. Thank you.
SAM HANGS UP THE PHONE.
ALEC
What was that all about?
SAM
Apparently, Campbell expected us to jump to this time. He left a package for me before he left. The college is shipping it via airmail. It should get here by the end of the week.
RICHARD
What’ll we do until then? It’s boring here.
ASHE
I want to check out the last place Professor C was seen at. It’s right here in Venice, so it can’t be too much of a hike.
SAM
Knock yourself out, I’m staying here.
ELIJAH
You’re not going to help us look for clues?
SAM
…You and Daphney can hop into the mystery machine with Shaggy and Scooby and drive right off a cliff for all I care. I am not going to play any part in searching for Campbell.
SCENE iv.
THE LIBRARY IN VENICE. THE GROUP WALKS INSIDE THE LIBRARY. THE WOMAN AT THE RECEPTIONIST DESK IMMEDIATELY SHUSHES THEM. THE GROUP WALKS PAST HER, TO THE AISLES OF BOOKS.
ELLIE
What are we looking for?
ASHE
Anything relating to the Holy Grail, or the Ark of the Covenant.
ELIJAH
What about the Necromonicon?
ASHE PAUSES
ASHE
Oh, er…That too.
THE GROUP SPLITS UP. ELLIE, ELIJAH, AND RICHARD START TO WANDER THROUGH THE SHELVES OF BOOKS, SEARCHING FOR CLUES. ASHE AND ALEC STOP BEFORE A LARGE STAINED GLASS WINDOW, DEPICTING JESUS HOLDING THE GRAIL IN THE CENTER. MOSES RAISING HIS STAFF, WITH THE ARK BEHIND HIM, TO THE RIGHT. AND WHAT APPEARS TO BE DEMONS COMING FROM A BOOK TO THE LEFT. THE GRAIL AND ARK ARE COMBINING POWER TO PUSH THE DEMONS AWAY.
ALEC
Well this is certainly an interesting piece of art.
ASHE
Any idea what it means.
ALEC
I’ll venture a guess and say that the Holy Grail, and Ark can combine to destroy the evil of the Necromonicon…I think Professor Campbell was onto something big.
ASHE
Hey…look at the bottom of each frame.
ALEC
Yeah, roman numerals…Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
ASHE
Yup.
THE TWO SPLIT UP AND SEARCH FOR THE ROMAN NUMERALS TO MATCH THE ONES IN THE GLASS.
ASHE
Found three…
ALEC
Found seven…Now, where’s ten?
ASHE AND ALEC LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SMILE. THEY RUN TO THE SPIRAL STAIR CASE. WHEN THEY REACH THE TOP THEY LOOK DOWN AT THE FLOOR. AND SURE ENOUGH, TEN IS ON THE FLOOR. THE REST OF THE GROUP HAS CONVERGED IN THE AREA.
ELIJAH
What is it?
ALEC
Ten!
ASHE & ALEC
X marks the spot.
SCENE CUTS TO A CLOSE UP OF THE FLOOR. ASHE IS ON HIS KNEES LOOKING FOR CRACKS. SUDDENLY ALEC COMES UP BEHIND HIM HOLDING AN IRON POLE.
ASHE
Richard, keep the receptionist busy.
RICHARD
Okey dokey, Ashe.
RICHARD RUNS OFF. ALEC PREPARES TO HIT THE FLOOR WITH THE ROD.
ALEC
Stand back, I saw this in a movie once.
ELLIE
We’ve all seen this in a movie.
SCENE CUTS TO THE RECEPTIONIST STAMPING BOOKS. SHE SEES RICHARD WALK UP AND WAVE TO HER. SHE GOES BACK TO STAMPING. HOWEVER, WHEN SHE HITS THE STAMP ON THE BOOK, A LOUD METALLIC CLANG IS HEARD. SHE LOOKS UP AT RICHARD, WHO IS JUST AS SURPRISED AS SHE IS. HE MOVES CLOSER TO HER AS SHE STAMPS IT AGAIN. THE SAME CLANG IS HEARD. RICHARD AGAIN MOVES CLOSER. THE RECEPTIONIST STAMPS A THIRD BOOK, WITH THE SAME RESULTS. FINALLY, SHE SETS THE STAMP ON THE NEAREST BOOK GENTLY. SHE LOOKS RICHARD IN THE EYE. HE LOOKS AT HER. THE RECEPTIONIST GRABS RICHARD AND BEGINS TO KISS HIM AS SHE PULLS HIM OVER THE DESK. SCENE CUTS TO ALEC AND ASHE HOISTING THE STONE TILE UP AND OVER, EXPOSING A HOLE IN THE FLOOR LEADING INTO DARKNESS.
ASHE
Do we have a light?
ELIJAH WAVES HIS HAND AND A GLOWING BALL OF LIGHT SURROUNDS HIS FIST. HE SMILES AT ASHE.
ELIJAH
We do now.
ELIJAH JUMPS DOWN THE HOLE, FOLLOWED BY ALEC. ASHE LOWERS ELLIE DOWN BEFORE JUMPING IN HIMSELF. SCENE CUTS TO OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY AS A GONDOLA FLOATS BY THE VIEW, WITH A MAN SINGING TO A COUPLE ON IT. CAMERA PANS BACK REVEALING IT TO BE THE WINDOW OF THE LIBRARY. RICHARD’S HEAD POPS INTO VIEW.
RICHARD
Ah, Venice…
THE RECEPTIONIST’S HAND GRABS HIS HEAD AND PULLS HIM BACK DOWN.
SCENE v.
CATACOMBS UNDER THE LIBRARY. THE ONLY LIGHT IS ELIJAH’S HAND. THE GROUP CAUTIOUSLY PROCEEDS THROUGH THE ANCIENT TUNNELS.
ELLIE
What exactly are we looking for down here?
ASHE
Anything that might tells us about the connection between the Necromonicon, the Holy Grail, and the Ark of the Covenant.
ELIJAH
There’s a connection?
ALEC
That stained glass window upstairs seemed to think so.
THE GROUP COMES TO A DEADEND.
ELLIE
Ok, what now?
ASHE SCRAPES AWAY THE WALL. FINALLY HE FINDS AN ENGRAVING OF A MAN HOLDING A SHOTGUN, WITH A CHAINSAW ATTACHED TO HIS OTHER ARM.
ASHE
…Something unexpected.
ELIJAH
There has to be a button or lever that can release…
HE IS CUT OFF BY ASHE AND ALEC RAMMING INTO THE WALL. THE WALL CRACKS AND FINALLY BREAKS AFTER REPEATED PUMMELINGS. ASHE AND ALEC FALL THROUGH INTO AN UNDERGROUND CANAL. ELIJAH AND ELLIE FOLLOW THEM IN. THEY FIND THEMSELVES STANDING IN A ROOM WITH A LARGE MAP. THERE ARE THREE PATHS LEADING FROM THE MAP. ONE TO THE GRAIL, THE OTHER TO THE ARK, AND ONE TO THE NECROMONICON. THE PATHS ALL MEET AT ONE POINT. THAT POINTIS THE ONLY THING LABELLED ON THE MAP.
ALEC
…Alexandretta.
SUHAIL
Too bad you will never make it there.
THE GROUP TURNS AROUND TO SEE SEVERAL ARMED MEN STANDING BY THE EXIT. THE LEADER PULLS A LEVER ON THE WALL AND A STONE DOOR SLIDES OVER THE EXIT. THE WALLS AND CEILING START TO COME TOGETHER.
ELIJAH
Ok…this isn’t the best thing in the world.
ELLIE
Maybe Richard will come down here and save us!
ELIJAH, ASHE, AND ALEC ALL STARE AT ELLIE.
ELLIE
…HELP! HELP! Someone help!
ASHE
Wait, look at the water…
ALEC
What about it?
ASHE
It’s not rising. That means it’s getting out somewhere.
ALEC
It could be a crack in the floor!
ASHE
I don’t think so…
HE DIVES UNDERWATER.
ELIJAH
Where does he think he’s going?!
ASHE SURFACES.
ASHE
I found a way out! Follow me!
THE GROUP DIVES UNDERWATER JUST AS THE WALLS CLOSE. SCENE CUTS TO THE CAFÉ. SAM IS SITTING AT A SMALL ROUND TABLE DRINKING A GLASS OF WINE. THE MANHOLE BY HER TABLE OPENS UP AND ASHE, ELLIE, ELIJAH, AND ALEC ALL CLIMB OUT. THE CROWD AGAIN LOOKS AT THE GROUP.
ALEC
Ah…Venice.
SAM
I can’t take you people anywhere, can I.
THE MEN FROM THE CATACOMBS BURST OUT OF THE LIBRARY AND RUN TOWARD THE GROUP. THE GROUP RUN AWAY, WHILE ALEC GRABS SAM AND PULLS HER FROM THE TABLE. THE GROUP RUNS TO THE DOCKS, AND STEALS A MOTORBOAT. ALEC IS DRIVING. THE MEN CHASE AFTER THEM IN THEIR OWN BOATS. THE MEN START SHOOTING AT THE OTHER BOAT. THE GROUP DUCKS DOWN. SOON, THE SECOND BOAT RAMS THE GROUP’S BOAT. A MAN FROM THE SECOND BOAT JUMPS ONTO THE FIRST ONE AND LUNGES FOR ELLIE. ELIJAH TACKLES HIM AND PUNCHES HIM OFF THE BOAT. HOWEVER, A SECOND MAN JUMPS ON THE BOAT AS WELL. ASHE LUNGES FROM THE FRONT. HE PUSHES THE MAN OFF THE BOAT. THE TWO BOATS SWERVE INTO THE PATH OF A SHIPS’S PROPELLOR. SAM USES THE DELAY IN DRIVING TO JUMP TO THE SECOND BOAT. SHE BEGINS BEATING ON SUHAIL.
SAM
Why are you trying to kill us?!?
SUHAIL
Because you’re looking for the Circle of Truth!
SAM
Dr. Jones was looking for that, did you kill him too?!?
SUHAIL
No!
SAM
Where is he?!? Talk or you’re dead, dammit tell me! TELL ME!!
SUHAIL
If you don’t let go, we’ll both die!
SAM
Been there, done that. This is your last chance!
SUHAIL
No, Samantha, it’s yours.
SAM IS SHOCKED THAT SUHAIL KNOWS HER NAME. SHE GRABS HIM AND JUMPS WITH HIM TO THE GROUPS BOAT. THEY SPEED AWAY JUST AS THE SECOND BOAT IS CHOPPED UP BY THE PROPELLORS.
ASHE
Who are you?
SUHAIL
My name is Suhail…
ELIJAH
Why were you trying to kill us?
SUHAIL
The secret relationship between the Grail, Ark, and Necromonicon has been safe for a thousand years. And in all that time, the Brotherhood of the Circle of Truth have been prepared to do anything to keep it that way…Let me off here, please.
THE BOAT PULLS TO A DOCK.
SUHAIL
Ask yourself, why do you seek the Cup of Christ?
SAM
I didn’t come for the cup of Christ, I came to find Campbell.
SUHAIL
In that case, God be with you in your quest. Your father is being held on the Austrian-German border, at the Castle Brunwaldt.
THE GROUP SMILES AND SPEEDS AWAY.
SCENE vi.
BACK AT THE HOTEL. THE GROUP COMES IN AND FALLS DOWN ON THE BEDS. RICHARD IS SITTING IN A CHAIR SMOKING A PIPE. ASHE LOOKS AT HIM WITH DISGUST.
ASHE
Where the hell were you? Taking a nap?!?
RICHARD
No no my dear boy, there was very little sleep involved.
ASHE LOOKS DOWN, THEN LOOKS BACK UP AT RICHARD WITH A PUZZLED EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE. RICHARD JUST SMILES. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. ELLIE ANSWERS IT. A BELL BOY HANDS HER A PACKAGE. SHE TAKES THE PACKAGE. THE BELL BOY HOLDS OUT HIS HAND BUT SHE JUST SLAMS THE DOOR IN HIS FACE.
SAM
What is it?
ELLIE
Looks like they rushed your package over here.
SAM OPENS IT. SHE PULLS OUT A SMALL LEATHER BOUND BOOK. SAM FLIPS THROUGH IT.
ELIJAH
What is that?
SAM
It looks like a diary of the Necromonicon. It’s in Campbell’s handwriting. It seems as though he started keeping a record of his findings ever since he got back from the middle ages…This is his whole life.
SHE FLIPS TO THE END OF THE WRITING, BEFORE THE PAGES GO BLANK.
SAM
The last few entries deal with this Circle of Truth thing…I guess this was something big after all. It says that combined the Grail, Ark, and Necromonicon can be used as a force for universal peace, or universal destruction.
ALEC
Isn’t there a middleground?
SAM
Is there ever?
ASHE
And the Nazis are after this…Oh goody.
ELLIE
We should probably split up so we can cover more ground.
ELIJAH
Sounds good…How about, Ellie, Richard, Sam, and I head for Brunwaldt and break out Campbell. From there we can continue on to hunt down the Ark and the Necromonicon. Ashe and Alec can search for the Grail.
ALEC
Alright, the brothers team up for the greatest adventure in the…
ASHE
Oh shut the hell up!
SCENE vii.
ASHE AND ALEC ARE DRIVING ALONG A MOUNTANEOUS HIGHWAY IN A CONVERTIBLE. THEY ARE WEARING SUNGLASSES, AND ALEC HAS HIS FEDORA OFF. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SMILE. THE MUSIC FROM THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN PLAYS.
ALEC
I told you I could talk our way past the checkpoints.
ASHE
Ok, I’ll admit it…I’m impressed.
ALEC
Yeah, it’s about time you started acknowledging my skills.
ASHE LOOKS BEHIND THEM. HIS EXPRESSION CHANGES TO ONE OF SHOCK AND TERROR. SCENE CUTS TO THE ROAD BEHIND THE CAR. ABOUT THIRTY GERMAN JEEPS ARE CHASING THE CAR. ALL OF THEM ARE FILLED WITH ARMED NAZIS. CUT BACK TO ASHE. HE TAPS ALEC ON THE SHOULDER AND POINTS TO BEHIND THE CAR. ALEC LOOKS SHOCKED TOO.
ASHE
Tell you what, when you get any skills, I’ll be the first to acknowledge them.
SCENE CUTS TO A DINING HALL. ALEC AND ASHE ARE TIED TOGETHER WHILE SITTING OPPOSITE ONE ANOTHER IN CHAIRS. A GERMAN COMMANDER APPROACHES THEM.
COMMANDER
So, you are part of the American team sent to find the Circle of Truth before we do. Yes, we know all about your operation. We also know that your leader, Richard Marlin is on his way to the Castle Brunwaldt to break out Dr. Jones.
ALEC
…Our leader?
COMMANDER
Too bad, Mr. Marlin sticks out so badly. We will easily find him.
ASHE
The hell you will…Richard has a two day head start on you which is more than he needs. Marlin has friends in ever town and village from here to the Sudan, he speaks a dozen languages, knows every local custom. He’ll blend in, disappear, you’ll never see him again. With any luck, he’s got the Grail already.
SCENE CUTS TO RICHARD, ELLIE, SAM, AND ELIJAH. THEY ARE SITTING AT THE CASTLE BRUNWALDT ENTERANCE. IT IS DAYTIME, AND THE GATE IS PATROLLED BY GUARDS.
RICHARD
So, do you want to ring the bell, or should I?
ELIJAH LOOKS AT RICHARD.
ELIJAH
We might be able to overpower the guards at the gate. Break our way into the castle and find Campbell’s room…
SAM
Or, we could just sneak in.
ELLIE
How?
SAM
…Ok…Here’s the plan.
SCENE CUTS TO THE GUARDS PATROLLING THE CASTLE. SUDDENLY, AMERICAN WOMAN STARTS PLAYING. THE GUARDS LOOK TO SEE SAM AND ELLIE, WEARING NOTHING BUT BRAS AND UNDERWEAR PLAYING IN THE GARDEN HOSE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GATE. THE GUARDS IMMEDIATELY WALK OVER AND WATCH THE TWO. MEANWHILE, ELIJAH AND RICHARD SNEAK OVER THE GATE AND INTO THE CASTLE. WHEN THEY WALK IN, ELLIE AND SAM WAVE TO THE GUARDS AND SCAMPER AWAY.
SCENE viii.
THE DINING HALL. ASHE AND ALEC ARE STILL TIED UP.
ASHE
Come on, Alec, we have to get to Richard before the Nazis do.
ALEC
I thought you said he had a two day head start, that he’s blend in and disappear…
ASHE
…Are you kidding?!? I made that up, you know Richard. He got lost once in his own dorm!
ALEC
Oh man…Hey, can you reach my left jacket pocket?
ASHE
What am I looking for?
ALEC
A lucky charm.
ASHE
It’s a lighter.
ALEC
See if you can burn through the ropes with it.
ASHE TRIES TO BURN THE ROPES. HOWEVER, HE ENDS UP BURNING HIS HAND INSTEAD. THE LIGHTER FLIES FROM HIS GRASP AND LANDS ON THE BEER STAINED CARPET. ASHE TRIES TO GRAB IT WITH HIS FOOT. HOWEVER, IT IS TOO FAR. HE THEN TRIES TO BLOW IT OUT. BUT THAT ONLY SPREADS THE FIRE. SOON, THE FIRE IS ON THE CARPET, AND CURTAIN…AND SPREADING. ASHE LOOKS NERVOUSLY AROUND THEN BEHIND HIM TO ALEC.
ASHE
…Uh…I really ought to tell you something.
ALEC
Don’t get sentimental now, Ashe. Save it till we get out of here.
ASHE ROLLS HIS EYES.
ASHE
The floor’s on fire.
ALEC
…What?
ASHE
…and the chair.
ALEC
Move, move move!
THE TWO START HOPPING IN THE CHAIRS. THEY REACH THE FIREPLACE, AS THE FIRE ENGULFS THE ROOM. WHILE TRYING TO FREE HIMSELF, ALEC KNOCKS THE POKER HOLDER. IT TRIGGERS A REVOLVING SECRET DOOR IN THE FIREPLACE. THE TWO ARE SPUN AROUND TO ANOTHER ROOM. THIS IS A MONITORING ROOM FILLED WITH GERMAN OFFICERS. BY NOW, ALEC HAS FREED ONE HAND. THE GROUP STOPS IN THE ROOM. A GERMAN COMM OFFICER TURNS AROUND AND SEES THEM. ALEC AND ASHE SMILE, ALEC WAVES WITH HIS FREE HAND. THE OFFICER SMILES.
OFFICER
Alarm!
THE OTHER GERMAN OFFICERS SURROUND HER. ASHE AND ALEC GET FREE, GRAB THEIR STUFF WHICH WAS ON THE TABLE NEARBY AND RUN PAST THE CONFUSED GUARDS. ASHE AND ALEC COME TO A ROOM WITH NO VISIBLE EXIT, SAVE A WINDOW WITH IRON BARS BLOCKING IT.
ALEC
Oh great, a dead end…Great navigation skills, Captain Compass!
ALEC STARTS TO SEARCH THE ROOM FOR A WAY OUT. FROM THE WAY THEY CAME IN SOUNDS OF NAZI GUARDS CAN BE HEARD APPROACHING.
ASHE
Maybe if we just stop and think for once…
ASHE SITS IN A CHAIR. THE CHAIR TILTS BACK, CAUSING THE FLOOR ALEC IS STANDING ON TO MOVE. THE FLOOR BECOMES A SET OF SPIRAL STONE STAIRS, WHICH ALEC FALLS DOWN BACKWARDS.
ALEC
….ASHE!!!
ASHE
Heh…I’ve been waiting to do that for a year….Oh Alec! It’s Colonel Compass, by the way.
SCENE ix.
THE HALLWAY OF THE CASTLE BRUNDWALT. SAM, ELLIE, RICHARD, AND ELIJAH ARE SNEAKING THEIR WAY THROUGH THE HALL. THEY CHECK EACH DOOR THEY COME TO. FINALLY, THEY COME TO ONE THAT IS WIRED. SAM POINTS TO THE DOOR AND SMIRKS. SHE TRIES THE KNOB, BUT IT’S LOCKED.
SAM
Yeah, then it would have been just too easy.
RICHARD
I could knock it down…
ELLIE
Yes, let’s do that Richard. That won’t bring every guard in the palace here.
RICHARD
Ok…
HE TAKES A STEP BACK AS IF TO RAM THE DOOR. ELIJAH STOPS HIM.
ELIJAH
One of these days I’m going to have to explain the concept of sarcasm to you.
RICHARD
Please, Elijah, there are ladies present. We can’t talk about that here.
ELLIE
SARCASM…You idiot. SARCASM.
SAM ROLLS HER EYES. THEN SHE LOOKS AT ELLIE AND ELIJAH.
ELLIE
Way ahead of you.
ELLIE AND ELIJAH WAVE THEIR HANDS. A CLICK IS HEARD. SAM SMILES AT THEM. SHE GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR. AS SOON AS SHE DOES, THE SCENE IS REVEALED TO BE PROFESSOR CAMPBELL ON TOP OF A GERMAN CHAMBERMAID. THE TWO ARE OBVIOUSLY HAVING SEX. ELIJAH AND ELLIE ARE TOO HORRIFIED TO SPEAK.
SAM
Omigod!
RICHARD
Ahhhhhh!!!
AS RICHARD SCREAMS ELLIE COVERS HIS MOUTH WITH HER HAND. THE CHAMBERMAID HURRIES OUT OF THE ROOM, CLUTCHING AT HER CLOTHES. CAMPBELL STANDS UP AND PUTS HIS CLOTHES BACK ON, AS THE GROUP TURNS AND FACES THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. WHEN HE IS DRESSED THEY TURN BACK AROUND. CAMPBELL SEES SAM WITH THE GROUP.
CAMPBELL
Junior?
SAM
What?
CAMPBELL
It is you, Junior.
SAM
You had better not be talking to me…
CAMPBELL
What are you doing here?
SAM
We came to get your delusional ass and stop you from causing any more trouble.
CAMPBELL
I don’t know what you mean.
SAM
You publicly went after the Circle of Truth, and then got captured by the Nazis! Do you have any idea what will happen if the Nazis get hold of just one of the three elements of the circle?
CAMPBELL
Of course I know. Why do you think I’m going after it? Hitler was bent on retrieving these artifacts even before I arrived in this time. If the Nazis aren’t stopped then this whole world is doomed.
SAM
Alright, alright, quit being all apocalyptic. We already have Ashe and Alec working on finding the Grail…
CAMPBELL
What??? You put those two idiots on the most challenging quest in history?!?
ELLIE
Hey, they survived the Trojan War. I think they can handle this.
CAMPBELL
…Oh do you?
SCENE x.
ASHE AND ALEC ARE SITTING AT A TABLE ON BOARD A ZEPPLIN. THEY ARE STILL IN THEIR FORMER CLOTHES. ASHE IS GLARING AT ALEC.
ALEC
Come on, relax, we made it.
ASHE
Made it? Made it?!? That’s what you said after we escaped from the Nazi base, with a dozen guard dogs and soldiers chasing us!
ALEC
Well, I…
ASHE
You said we made it when we stole the General’s car, who by the way is not going to be too happy when he finds out what we did to his BRAND NEW ROLES ROYCE!
ALEC
Yeah, but…
ASHE
So, I do not want to hear one more word about us being in the clear until we are safely out of this time!
ASHE AND ALEC PAUSE. THEY LOOK AT THE REST OF THE PEOPLE ON THE ZEPPLIN. THEY ARE STARING AT THE TWO BROTHERS. ASHE WHISPERS.
ASHE
Just don’t try anymore of your hair-brained ideas, ok?
ALEC
Yeah, yeah…
ALEC LOOKS OUT HIS WINDOW. HE SEES A NAZI GENERAL RUNNING TO THE ZEPPLIN. HE BOARDS IT JUST BEFORE IT TAKES OFF.
ALEC
…uh oh.
ASHE
What?
ALEC
Uh, nothing…Stay here, I’ll be back.
ALEC GETS UP AND LEAVES.
ASHE
What? Where the hell…?
ASHE IS CUT OFF BY THE GENERAL STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM. THE GENERAL IS TAPPING HIS CANE ON HIS HAND. ASHE SMILES AT HIM.
ASHE
…Hi General…I suppose you’re wondering what happened to your car.
NEITHER OF THEM NOTICE ALEC COME BACK INTO THE SCENE WEARING A PORTER’S OUTFIT. HE BEGINS ASKING THE PASSENGERS FOR THEIR TICKETS. FINALLY HE REACHES THE GENERAL.
ALEC
…Tickets please.
GENERAL
…Was?
THE GENERAL TURNS AROUND AND REALIZES THAT IT IS ALEC. ALEC PUNCHES THE GENERAL AND THROWS HIM OUT AN OPEN WINDOW. THE GENERAL FALLS A BIT, BUT SURVIVES. HE SHAKES HIS FIST AND SHOUTS AT THE ZEPPLIN AS IT FLIES OFF. CUT TO INSIDE. THE PASSENGERS ARE ALL STARING AT ALEC.
ALEC
…No ticket.
ALL THE PASSENGERS PULL OUT THEIR TICKETS. SCENE CUTS TO ALEC AND ASHE, IN THEIR FORMER CLOTHES, HURRYING THROUGH THE METAL FRAMEWORK OF THE ZEPPLIN.
ALEC
Come on, Ashe…We’ve got to hurry before the Zepplin turns around.
THE TWO LOAD INTO A SINGLE ENGINE PROP. PLANE.
ASHE
I didn’t know you could fly a plane.
ALEC
I can’t…But I played a pilot in a movie once!
ASHE
…What?
ALEC DISENGAGES THE PLANE FROM THE ZEPPLIN. THE PLANE FALLS STRAIGHT DOWN, THE PROPELLOR IS NOT MOVING.
ASHE
We’re not flying…
ALEC
It’s ok, I can handle this!…On switch, where’s the damn on switch?
ASHE
You haven’t started the engine?!?
ALEC
…Not entirely…
ASHE
…Now would be a good time!
ALEC
…Better hang on to something!
THE TWO SCREAM AS THE PLANE CRASHES INTO THE GROUND. THE TIRES GO FLAT AND THE WINGS AND PROPELLOR FALL OFF. ALEC AND ASHE WEAKLY PULL THEMSELVES FROM THE PLANE. ALEC STUMBLES ONTO THE GROUND. HE SITS AGAINST THE BODY OF THE PLANE. HE REACHES UP AND PULLS A FLASK FROM THE COCKPIT. MEANWHILE, ASHE ROLLS OUT OF THE CO-PILOT SEAT AND FALLS TO THE GROUND NEXT TO ASHE. THE BROTHERS LOOK AT EACH OTHER, AND ASHE PUNCHES ALEC IN THE FACE. ALEC IS TOO DISORIENTED TO DO ANYTHING EXCEPT FALL OVER AWAY FROM ASHE. ASHE IS TOO DISORIENTED TO PUNCH AGAIN, HE FALLS IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. SUDDENLY, THE SOUNDS OF APPROACHING FIGHTER PLANES IS HEARD. BOTH BROTHERS SIT UP IMMEDIATELY.
SCENE xi.
SAM, CAMPBELL, ELIJAH, RICHARD, AND ELLIE ARE SNEAKING UP BEHIND A NAZI AIRSTRIP. THEY WATCH AS A BOMBER IS BEING FUELED.
CAMPBELL
We need to get to Alexandretta as soon as possible.
ELIJAH
Why?
CAMPBELL
The Nazis have to have the three parts of the circle together at the temple in the desert near the city in order to activate the power within.
ELLIE
Where is Alexandretta?
CAMPBELL
The city of Iskandrun is built on the ruins of it.
RICHARD
What about Alec and Ashe?
SAM
I’m sure they’re on the same trail we’re on. I say we steal the bomber and fly to Iskandrun. They’re loading some pretty heavy ordinance onto that plane, so we’ll be armed to the teeth.
CAMPBELL
Good thinking…We just need to wait until no one is looking. Then we sneak on board and we’re off.
ELIJAH
Let’s do it…Hey, this is turning out to be easier than I thought.
SCENE xii.
ALEXANDRETTA DESERT. SAM, RICHARD, CAMPBELL, ELLIE AND ELIJAH ARE WATCHING A CONVOY OF NAZI TRUCKS, AND A TANK CROSS THE DESERT.
CAMPBELL
They seem to be heading for the temple. What do you see Sam?
SAM
…They’ve got a tank. It looks like a six-pound gun. I don’t think Ellie and I can dance our way past these guys.
ELIJAH
You what?
ELLIE
…Nevermind.
SAM
Hey wait…
RICHARD
What is it?
SAM
There’s some commotion on the tank. It looks like…oh no…
CAMPBELL
…What?
HE GRABS THE BINOCUALRS AND LOOKS THROUGH THEM. CUT TO BINOCULAR VIEW. ASHE AND ALEC ARE FIGHTING OFF DOZENS OF NAZIS THAT KEEP JUMPING ONTO THE TANK. THE TANK VEERS OFF COURSE AND STARTS TO HEAD FOR A RAVINE.
CAMPBELL
They’re headed for a ravine!
ELLIE
We’ve got to get down there.
SHE WHISTLES, AND A HORSE COMES. ELLIE MOUNTS IT AND RIDES TOWARD THE TANK. THE OTHERS FOLLOW SUIT. CUT TO THE TANK. ASHE AND ALEC ARE STILL BATTLING THE NAZIS.
ALEC
I told you to take a right at the Nile, but Noooooo! You had to take a shortcut!
ASHE
Be quiet! At least I wasn’t the one that tripped the lever in the temple at Cairo that got us chased by a TWO TON MARBLE!
ALEC
Hey, it told us to come here didn’t it?
ASHE
For all the good it’s doing us!
ALEC
Oh go jump off a cliff!
ALEC WAITS FOR ASHE TO RESPOND. HE NOTICES HIS BROTHER’S HORRIFIED EXPRESSION. THEN HE NOTICES THAT ALL THE NAZIS HAVE JUMPED OFF THE TANK WHILE THE TWO WERE ARGUING. ALEC TURNS AROUND AND SEES THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF COMING UP FAST. HE AND ASHE SCRAMBLE TO GET TO THE BACK OF THE TANK JUST AS IT GOES OFF THE CLIFF. CUT TO ELLIE, SAM, RICHARD, ELIJAH, AND CAMPBELL. THEY REACH THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF JUST IN TIME TO SEE THE TANK HIT THE GROUND. THEY DISMOUNT AND RUN TO THE EDGE.
ELLIE
Oh, God…They’re gone.
RICHARD AND ELIJAH LOWER THEIR HEADS IN SADNESS. TO THE RIGHT OF THE GROUP, THE TWO BROTHERS SLOWLY CLIMB UP FROM THE CLIFF SIDE. THEY WALK TO THE GROUP AND STARE OVER THE CLIFF. BOTH OF THEM ARE DIRTY, BLEEDING, BATTERED, AND IN TORN CLOTHES. SAM NOTICES ALEC STANDING BY HER FIRST. SHE SEES HIM AND IMMEDIATELY HUGS HIM. ELLIE DOES THE SAME TO ASHE.
SAM
I thought I’d lost you, Alec!
ALEC
It’s ok…it’s ok…
SAM REALIZES WHAT SHE’S DOING AND LETS ALEC GO. ELLIE STOPS HUGGING ASHE. THE BROTHERS FALL TO THE GROUND, TRYING TO CATCH THEIR BREATH. THE REST OF THE GROUP STARTS WALKING TO THE TEMPLE.
SAM
Come on you idiots! Why are you resting when we’re so near the end?
ASHE AND ALEC JUST LOOK AT EACH OTHER. ALECS HAT ROLLS UP BESIDE HIM. HE TAKES IT AND LOOKS AT ASHE. ASHE JUST FALLS FLAT ON HIS BACK.
SCENE xiii.
THE TEMPLE OF THE CIRCLE OF TRUTH. THE GROUP GETS OFF THEIR HORSES. ASHE AND ALEC HAVE HORSES TOO. THEY ALL WALK INTO THE TEMPLE. THE INSIDE IS A COURTYARD OF SORTS, WITH A SINGLE HALLWAY LEADING TO DARKNESS. SAM POINTS TO IT.
SAM
That’s where we have to go.
ELLIE
Wait…Aren’t there supposed to be like three trials or something.
CAMPBELL
Nope, it’s just a straight shot.
ELLIE
Wow, this little adventure really did turn out to be a walk in the park.
ASHE
…Did it?!?
THE GROUP WALKS INTO THE TUNNEL. WHEN THEY REACH THE END. THEY COME UPON AN ALTAR. ON IT ARE THE NECROMONICON, THE GRAIL AND THE ARK. THE GROUP WALK TO THE THREE, BUT THEY ARE STOPPED BY A HARSH VOICE.
MURRY
Halt, feeble mortals, you are not worthy to take the Circle of Truth until you pass my challenge!
ASHE
…Murry?
MURRY
…Ashe?
MURRY POPS DOWN FROM THE CEILING. HE IS STILL JUST A SKULL.
ASHE
What are you doing here?
MURRY
I work weekends here to pay my way through medical school.
ASHE
…oh…So, what is this challenge.
MURRY
You must answer three questions that I pose.
ASHE
Ok…shoot.
MURRY
First…What is your name?
ASHE
Ashe Trent.
MURRY
Right…Second, What is your quest?
ASHE
To obtain the Circle of Truth and get home.
MURRY
That’s two for two…Ok, last one. What is the airspeed velocity of an unlaiden swallow in migration?
ASHE LOOKS BACK AT THE GROUP AND SMIRKS.
ASHE
Which, an African or European swallow?
MURRY
Either!
ASHE LOOKS BACK AT THE GROUP WITH A HORRIFIED LOOK ON HIS FACE. THE GROUP GIVES HIM BLANK STARES. THAT IS UNTIL RICHARD WALKS PAST ASHE AND UP TO MURRY. HE GRABS MURRY AND BOWLS HIM OFF THE EDGE OF A CHASM. THE GROUP THEN GRABS THE CIRCLE OF TRUTH AND LEAVES. CUT TO OUTSIDE THE TEMPLE. THE GROUP HAS LOADED THE ARTIFACTS ONTO THEIR HORSES. THEY ARE ALL READY TO GO.
CAMPBELL
At least we all got a little closer from this whole ordeal.
SAM
Shut the hell up. We wouldn’t be in this ordeal if not for you and your damned fortune and glory.
CAMPBELL
…Junior…
SAM
Stop calling me that! That is like ten times worse than Widowmaker!
ASHE STARTS LAUGHING.
ASHE
Junior??? HA! That’s a new one!
SAM
Shutup Trent, you’ll get yours for this.
ASHE
Uh-huh, but until then should I call you Junior, or just Bruce.
ELIJAH
Can we get out of here please?
RICHARD
Everyone, follow me…I know the way. Yahhh!
RICHARD GALLOPS OFF THROUGH THE CLIFF PATH. THE REST OF THE GROUP SITS THERE, AND STARES AT HIM.
ALEC
Got lost once in his own dorm, eh?
ASHE
Uh-huh…
THEY LOOK AT SAM AND SMILE.
ASHE
After you, Junior…
SAM
…Go to hell.
SAM GALLOPS OFF AFTER RICHARD. THE REST OF THE GROUP FOLLOWS HER. THE END CREDITS ROLL AS HE GROUP RIDES OFF INTO THE SUNSET. THE INDIANA JONES THEME IS PLAYING.
THE END
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