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Date Posted: 19:20:04 08/02/06 Wed
Author: Steve Jobs
Subject: The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs, Aged 51 1/2
In reply to: Steve Jobs 's message, "Blogger : User Profile : Steve Jobs" on 19:18:09 08/02/06 Wed

The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs, Aged 51 1/2
Dude, I invented the friggin iPod, okay? Have you heard of it?
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
What's the old expression?

Rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic? Something like that? Or something like this? Honestly, the whole Microsoft sitch is getting almost painful to watch, isn't it? I mean, there are times when you just gotta feel sorry for those guys, dontcha?

No? Yeah, me neither.
posted by Steve at 05:41 8 comments

Um, Woz?

You know when I suggested recently that you should "get a grip" and find something valuable to do with your life? Like instead of playing Segway polo? Well, this isn't exactly what I had in mind. But whatever. And I know you're still pissed about me cheating you on the split of that thousand-dollar bonus back in the 1970s but come on, man. It's me. The Steve-inator. Remember? Call me, bro.
posted by Steve at 05:27 4 comments

Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Here's the lawsuit

Oh man. Just received an official legal complaint from the Free Software Foundation regarding that alleged GPL violation that I blogged about last week. It's about three thousand pages long and printed on a dot matrix printer on the old-fashioned sheet-feeder paper with perforated edges. The pages are all covered with Wite Out splotches where they fixed typos or whatever. Arrived in a cardboard box via FedEx accompanied by three short, bearded, overweight dudes who looked like very angry extras from Lord of the Rings and who said they were present to serve as witnesses to the fact that I had indeed received the complaint. The complaint goes on and on listing thousands of alleged "sins" and "crimes against the FOSS community," not sure who that is, and it lists as defendants "FAKE STEVE JOBS," "STEVE JOBS," and "JOHN DOES 1-20" who are I guess the developers who supposedly created the iTracker product which as I explained to the FSF lawyer, doesn't actually exist. There's a list of three hundred and twenty-three demands including community service and "public excoriation." Cover letter says the case will be filed in U.S. District Court but I can avoid trial by agreeing to arbitration at the Free Software Foundation offices in Boston. Signed by Eben Moglen, the dude who called me, and Richard Stallman, who has very freaky tiny little handwriting, just FYI. Anyhoo. Wow. Not sure how to proceed.
posted by Steve at 14:32 7 comments

All joking aside

Bono just called. I guess it's looking pretty bad for El Jefe. Bono says he and Kofi Annan are flying to Havana tonight. I wanna be there too but it's just the worst possible time to get away from work, with the keynote coming up in six days. Told Bono to call me when he gets there. If things really get worse I may zip down. Peace out and say an extra prayer tonight, to whichever God you worship.
posted by Steve at 10:53 7 comments

Loyalty

So Al Gore calls me cause he's heard about the meeting with the Clintstones and he says he knows all the crap that Hillary was saying about him. And he just sighs and goes, in this really sad voice, Well, Steve, it's been great being on your board, I mean it, and I really thank you for giving me the opportunity, and for the free Powerbooks and everything, seriously. You're a great guy. Seriously.

And I'm like, Al, what are you talking about? He goes, Well, all that stuff she told you, you know, about the hospitals, the medications, the straitjackets, well, that's all true. Yeah. I'm wacky as a dime watch, Steve. Seriously. I've been battling this stuff all my life. I figured you'd find out sooner or later. To be honest I'm kind of surprised you didn't find that out when you did the background check. And I'm like, Al, we didn't do a background check, cause I mean, you were the friggin Vice President, right? What's to check? You had your finger on the button, for Pete's sake. And he goes, Yeah, that's kinda scary when you think about it, isn't it? I mean, man, there were times when I just got so down, I mean really down, and I just wanted to go in there and blow up the friggin world, I'm not kidding. Almost did it a couple of times but they caught me sneaking in. And this whole global warming thing? It's a crock. Tipper got me into it figuring I needed something to do after I got my ass beat by that chimp Bush. So fine. Put together some Powerpoint slides, go on the road, keep me busy. My doc said okay as long as I had some supervision. Said the public speaking would be reparative. Whatever. But then the whole thing just snowballed out of control. I mean people started believing this crap. Man. Now these morons like Markos Moulitsas are pushing me to run for president. Meanwhile, old Hillary Rodham Corleone already sat me down and showed me the dossier they got on me, and told me if I dare run against her she'll make sure I'm roommates with Jimmy Hoffa, if you know what I mean, and believe me, man, that babe ain't kidding. Not at all.

He sighs and goes, So anyway, thanks for putting me on your board for a while. It really cheered me up. It's been real fun, honest. I enjoyed it. And I got to hang out with Bono and people like that, which is pretty cool. You know, for a short time I actually felt like I mattered again. Like life was worth living. So anyway, we'll just work it out somehow, I'll resign over the Memorial Day weekend or something and say it's cause I'm really busy with the Greenpeace bullcrap or something, okay?

And I'm like, Hey, Al -- don't you even think about that. That's not how SPJ rolls, brother. You're on my board and that's it. He sniffs and goes, You mean it? I'm like, Al, you're my bud. I don't care about this other crap. You're my bud. And I'll tell you someting else, you are gonna run for president, and you know what? You're gonna win. He goes, Aw, come on, now you're talking crazy, you're nuttier than me! And I go maybe I am, buddy, maybe I am, and we both kinda laugh, and I go, I guess maybe we're both a little wacky, right? Maybe you gotta be to do what we do. Whatever. We're in this together, brother. I'm serious. So. We square? He says, Yeah, we're square. I go, You're staying on the board? You betcha, he says. Thanks again, man. Don't thank me, I say. Okay. Okay. Gotta go. I love you, man. Talk soon.

Then as soon as we hung up I called Jerry York on his private line. He's out in Las Vegas staying in Kirk Kerkorian's penthouse on top of some casino. He picks up and goes, Yeah. I go, You know who this is? He goes, Yeah. I say, We got a problem with Mr. Green. You know the guy I'm talking about? He goes, Yeah. I go, So? He goes, We'll get back to you, and hangs up.
posted by Steve at 05:17 7 comments

Monday, July 31, 2006
Check's in the mail, Randall
Dudes, we made the big time. See this story from the Sunday New York Times yesterday? I got plugged after Schwartz. Shoulda been first but oh well. Beats a sharp stick to the eye.
posted by Steve at 13:36 5 comments

.Mac is having some "issues"
And you guys wonder why I'm blogging on Blogger instead of .Mac? See here. Well I'm sure it's gonna get straightened out soon. Anyhoo, I gotta boogie, it's noon and I'm gonna be late for aromatherapy. Peace out.
posted by Steve at 12:02 4 comments

So Tony Blair's in town

And friggin Jonathan Schwartz won't shut his pie hole long enough for any of the rest of us get a word in. There's a story on it here that kinda gives you a hint of what it was like, but trust me, it was way worse. I'm sorry, but I gotta say this. Jonathan's got that really dangerous combination of being not very smart yet thinking he's like super, super, super smart, like the smartest person in any room he enters, ya know? I mean, have you read his blog? It's hilarious, but I don't think he means it that way. I mean this guy really, really likes himself. A lot. The ponytail is the giveaway. And God he loves to hear himself talk. Probably it's the McKinsey background. They're all like that. I always wonder what it must be like when a bunch of McKinsey consultants get together for like a barbecue or something, and they're all standing around in their conspicuous eyewear trying to act casual but at the same time trying to show how smart they are. When like, dude, if you're so smart, why don't you start a company instead of working at McKinsey and giving lectures?

Anyhoo here's the money quote from Mr. Ponytail:
"In the U.S. and especially in Silicon Valley, if you have taken a risk and you fail, you in fact become more interesting and potentially more valuable because now you know something," Sun Microsystems' Schwartz told reporters after the meeting.
Yeah so Jonathan that must make you like the most interesting and valuable person in the Valley right about now, huh dude?

Then he tells Blair he should write a friggin blog. Riiight. Like maybe he can post where the British troops are gonna be moving tomorrow or something, or he can make fun of Bush or whatever. I mean by then it was just embarrassing, and we're like wincing and wanting to apologize for the guy, but stupid Jonathan is still lecturing the Prime Minister of the U.K. like Mr. Peabody taking Sherman into the wayback machine, talking about ancient history and the Egyptians and the evolution of technology and the industrial revolution and the invention of the steam engine in England and whatever, and by then Blair is just like openly pulling faces and saying things like, Right, er, um, thanks so much Jon, er, does anyone else have anything?

I'll tell you what I said to Blair. I waited till Schwartz was finished pleasuring himself in public, and then I said, Uh, actually, Sir Tony, all that stuff he just said, that's all wrong, okay? Just pretend you didn't hear it. We only let this dude come today because he pestered the hell out of us and we felt bad for him cause his company is going out of business, and really we all kinda make fun of him behind his back. Schwartz looked sorta hurt so I said, I'm sorry, man, but it's the truth. (Meanwhile Chambers and Ruiz are like shrugging and nodding their heads, as if to say, Well, yeah, you are kind of a frigtard.) So Sir Tony, I say, I know you came here to ask us about risk-taking, but the only thing that matters is making beautiful products that blow people's minds, and you Brits know how to do this already. Look at the Jaguar, the Aston-Martin, the Range Rover. Sure, they're not reliable. But they're works of friggin art. You guys also make totally smokin movies. And music. Like, the friggin Beatles? Hello! Just cause I had a little hassle with them recently doesn't mean I don't love their music cause I do. You might notice the eyeglasses I wear, which are my way of paying tribute to a certain Mr. John Lennon. So you guys are loaded with talent. Look at Austin Powers. And Richard Branson. Talk about risk-takers. Guy called me last week from a friggin space balloon. And Wallace & Gromit? Nick Park, friggin genius, we're trying to get him to work for Pixar. So just apply your creativity to computers. That's all. I mean don't make an iPod clone, cause that's already been done. But like maybe a TiVo clone, or like a really bitchin new smartphone-slash-music-player, or, uh, wait, no, I wouldn't do that one, but anyway there's lots of cool ideas still out there to be explored. Seriously.
posted by Steve at 08:00 7 comments

It's called a homophone, who knew? And I know what you're thinking, maybe Carson Kressley can do the T-Mobile ad campaign, but don't go there

This story cracks me up. Some doofus at the Chicago Tribune reported that an iPod can last "four years" after hearing our spokesbabe say an iPod can last "for years." I mean, hello? Has anyone ever heard of an iPod lasting four friggin years? Come on. Think about it, people. How are we gonna sell new ones if the old ones don't crap out on schedule? Do you think we're stupid? Man. We say "for years," meaning "more than 12 months." Okay? BTW, I'm so sick of these cheapskates who come into our stores crying and wanting a free replacement cause their poor little iPod crapped out right after the warranty expired. The things don't cost that much, folks. Pony up.
posted by Steve at 07:44 6 comments

T minus seven days and counting
So I was doing tai chi in my backyard just now and I realized, man, in like exactly one week I'm gonna be taking the stage in front of the hippest, coolest, tech-savviest audience in the world, and I'm going to blow their friggin minds. That's all I can say at this point. Anyhoo I gotta go cause Larisa, our house manager, says my celery and carrot juice smoothie is ready. Peace out.
posted by Steve at 07:20 1 comments

Sunday, July 30, 2006
Speaking of John Doerr

Do you realize he's now got a company called "My Asshole"???? Seriously. Check it out here. And like, okay, I see the accent mark, but whatever, I just hope it's not a category name next time Sean Connery is on Celebrity Jeopardy. And come on. Do you mean to tell me of all the possible names in the world, they couldn't come up with something that every teenage boy in the world wouldn't immediately make into a joke? Like did nobody on the team kinda look at the name and go, like, Uh, hey, dudes, we might have like a problem here or something. My theory is that they hired a consultant to develop the name and actually paid a boatload of money for it, and that the consultant was somebody who got burned by KP on some other deal, like cheated out of some shares on the Google IPO or something, and this was their way of getting revenge. Anyhoo, on the way out of the Clinton meeting I'm walking out with T.J. Rodgers, who by the way is a total right-wing dick but also a totally great dude, and I couldn't resist, since Doerr was standing there all shattered cause he really really wants to be Secretary of State or something. So I go, Hey, John, how's that company MyAsshole working out? He shakes his head and goes, Steve, it's pronounced mee-ah-soh-lay. And I go, Seriously? Man cause it looks just like MyAsshole. I thought maybe it was a spin-off from MySpace or something. And T.J. goes, Yeah, is Ben still the CEO there? Ben Dover? Or is that pronounced Ben Do-VAIR? Doerr just smiles his tight little weasel smile and goes, Thanks for coming, guys. And when I got to the JobsMobile, no lie, somebody had keyed my door. Dick.
posted by Steve at 16:14 5 comments

Complete waste of time

So the big secret meeting. What crap. It was Bill and Hillary Clinton being huge a-holes and trying to shake us down for money. I got there late, cause to hell with getting anywhere early and sitting around waiting, and anyway I figured this was gonna be another one of John Doerr’s stupid meetings where he tries to foist off some stupid Kleiner startup that isn’t working out, like remember Excite At Home? Friggin Doerr actually shopped that to us telling us how great it was and I was like Dude if it’s so great why do you want to sell it, right? And like a week later they went bankrupt. Hey, thanks, dude, I owe you one. Doerr’s house looks like some drug lord’s palace, with a bunch of black armored SUVs and I swear to God a helicopter hovering overhead, and all these ape-looking dudes with the earbuds standing out front, and I’ve been to enough of these things to know what Secret Service guys look like, so I figure this isn’t an M&A thing unless maybe Larry Ellison is involved cause he gets off on the whole James Bond effect. So the chimps frisk me and find a lighter in my jeans and tell me I gotta leave it with them and pick it up on the way out and I’m like, Well, there goes my plan to torch the place, but whatever. I go inside and there’s little Doerr, all 97 pounds of him, with his too-big eyeglasses and his freako metabolism and his usual stick up his ass.

He takes me to this room where he's got like 30 dudes from the Valley around this big table, like Otellini and Ruiz and Rodgers and a bunch of other chip dudes, plus the Googletards who are playing with Legos, and Ellison, McNealy, Hurd, Barksdale, Andreesen, and a bunch of random VC a-holes who all look amazingly lifelike and absolutely identical, as if they're made in a machine, like cyborgs. In walk the Clintstones with George Soros. No smiles, no small talk. Hillary sits down and tells us in this pissed off Tony Soprano voice that there’s two years till this motherf-ing election but she ain’t gonna f- it up like Kerry and Gore, she’s gonna lock this motherf-er down now, she’s goddamn well gonna win and nobody is gonna get in her way, so we can all either get on the train or get run over by it, and she's here to tell us how much money she wants each of us to put in. She says everybody else pays their share, hell the oil guys pay 5% of net right off the top, meanwhile we're out here making our little chips and paying zilch, and that bullshit is gonna stop right here and right now, okay? And we can all check with George Soros on the way out and he'll tell us how to move the money so it can't be traced, using a bunch of these phony baloney environmental groups.

She goes right around the table and gives everyone their number and what they'll get if they do or don't play ball. Doerr gets oil prices bumped to a hundred bucks a gallon so his green tech fund can make him another billion or two. The Googlefags get net neutrality. McNealy gets a win in the SCO case so Linux gets made illegal. McNealy says he wants a DOJ case on Microsoft again but Hilary says no can do cause Gates is putting up half a billion to buy himself a free pass.

In my case the vig is twenty million bucks -- ya, right! -- and if I go along, the feds buy iMacs for every school system in America, but if I don't, we get the DOJ raping us over the iPod being a closed system. She says, Ya know, Steve, the Frenchies ain't the only ones who can bend you over and put your ass in the air. So I kinda laugh and go, Well, ma'am, thing is I'm planning to endorse Al Gore, if he runs, cause he’s like on my board and he's gonna save the planet from melting or whatever and he's gonna make my pal Bono the head of the Supreme Court or something. She stares at me with this flabbergasted look as if she can't believe that someone else actually dared to speak during the meeting, instead of just genuflecting and doing whatever she tells them, which is I guess what most people do around her, and then she says, in that stupid chipmunk accent of hers, You know, I didn't really come here for a dialogue, I just wanted to give you information and leave, but since you raised the issue, let me reassure you, the world isn't melting, Steve. Honestly. Al made that f-ing movie to scare people, but if you want to know what's really scary, it's the prospect of having that fat retarded hillbilly in the White House. If you only knew how much energy we wasted during eight years of stamping out all his stupid ideas! I mean Kyoto? F- me, seriously. You realize he's been in and out of psychiatric hospitals, right? They keep him medicated beyond belief. That's why he talks like that. But every so often he'd go off his meds and cook up some stupid idea and we'd all have to race around and find his shrink and get him shot up with something or other and put back in his straitjacket. Honestly, I swear to Christ, if I'm elected first thing I'm gonna do is have that guy shot in a park like f-ing Vince Foster, I swear to Christ!

So I go, well, like, if Al doesn’t run, then I’m probably going for Jerry Brown. Or Ralph Nader. She says, Stevie, honey, you can endorse Saddam Hussein for all I care, you can go stand out on a street corner wearing a f-ing sandwich board and dance around in your tightie-whities. I just want your f-ing money, pal. Otherwise, like I told your buddy Gates, I get that old bulldyke Janet Reno to hold one of her famous dance parties right on your face, okay? And by the way, what is up with those hippie eyeglasses? There's these things called contact lenses now, have you heard of them?

Now I'm the one who's stunned. I mean nobody makes fun of my John Lennon glasses. Nobody. I mean, seriously. So for a long time I just sit there, staring down at my hands, and I feel like my friggin head is gonna explode or something, and Doerr, who knows how I feel about my glasses, he says, Steve, whatever you're thinking, just let it go, okay? Just let it go. But I can't help myself. I go, Lady, let me tell you something. I grew up in this Valley, OK? And nobody comes into our Valley and talks to us like this, okay? You see the guys in this room? We built the friggin Internet with our bare hands, you understand? Me personally, I've been through hell and back. I got fired from my own company. I survived cancer. Then I invented the friggin iPod. Have you heard of it? You want our money, you want to be president, well you come and ask us, nice. You kiss the ring, like everybody else. You got that straight? And by the way, have you heard of Pilates? Cause you’ve got a really big fat lumpy ass. Seriously. It's like two big balloons full of oatmeal. Scary.

Hilary sits there with smoke coming out of her ears. Beside her, I swear, Bill is kinda laughing, or trying not to laugh or whatever. The whole room is silent. Then, way down at the far end of the table, T.J. Rodgers stands up and starts doing a slow clap, all by himself. Then the others join in. Pretty soon the whole room is clapping and shouting, Steve, Steve, Steve -- except for Doerr, of course, and the cyborg VCs who are programmed to do exactly what Doerr does at all times. The Clintstones and Soros make for the door, with Doerr scrambling after them apologizing and begging them not to leave, but Hilary just says, F- you, gerbil, don't call me ever again, and throws us all the finger, but we all just roar laughing and give her the finger right back. Ha! Thanks for coming to California, lady. Come back anytime!

Seriously, dudes, do not vote for her. That's all I'm gonna say. Peace out.
posted by Steve at 09:47 14 comments

Our tech support rocks

Dudes, sorry for the delay in filing. My MacBook Pro got the heebie-jeebies and crapped out on me. Called customer service on Saturday, yeah right, got put on hold for like forever so finally I got into the JobsMobile and schlepped out to the Apple store at the Stanford Shopping Center in Palo Alto, where the “genius” behind the counter first of all is talking on his cell phone, which friggin drives me crazy, but he tells me it's an emergency cause like his kid got hit by a car or something and I'm like, Dude, are you on break? Then turn off the friggin phone. Finally I just grabbed it from him and shut it off. Worse than that the douchebag cops a tude and tells me to fill out a form describing the problem with the machine. So suddenly the MacBook leaps upward and bashes this frigtard on the head. And I go, Yeah, see, that’s the problem. The sudden leaping up and hitting of frigtards on the head. Can you fix that? Anyhoo. Someone there obtained a clue and got me a new machine. Paramedics came for Dopey the Genius and we sent an assistant manager to ride with him in the ambulance and process his termination paperwork.

So here I am, in a Starbucks, with a beautiful, bitchin brand-new MacBook Pro which I am really excited about, and so far nobody knows who I am. So far. Will try to post again soon if I can get the friggin Airport to stop dropping off the WiFi network, and if I don't get mobbed by screaming groupies, which tends to happen in places like this. Peace out.
posted by Steve at 05:48 3 comments

Saturday, July 29, 2006
This guy totally gets it
Check out this article at eWeek. Totally on the money. We are on the brink of a huge windfall. That's in part thanks to delays in Vista. But also there's something larger going on. People who think of themselves as hip or "techie" see our machines as better, cooler -- a BMW versus a Yugo. The high price actually adds to the allure. Money quote:

With Vista missing the holiday and back-to-school seasons, many customers are buying Macs. A family in my neighborhood has been all PC since the PC XT. But the eldest son is going off to college and says he wants a Mac. It's the vanguard of a new generation gap. He's never owned a Mac but he's gotta have one—a good sign for Apple.

Right on. It's taken 10 years for the message to get through, but it's getting through. Change takes time. But it happens. Peace out.
posted by Steve at 04:44 7 comments

Friday, July 28, 2006
Finishing touches

So my colorist, Annalisa, was here today to work on my beard and get just the right mix of salt and pepper. I like to get this stuff done a week or so before a big event, so everything has a few days to settle in and look natural. Anyhoo, I was freaking out as usual and Annalisa, I swear she's like my shrink, she says, Steve, calm down, seriously, this year's show is the best I've ever seen from you guys, and I'm not just saying that. I guess she's right. We've got ten days remaining till the keynote and dudes, all I can tell you is, you're gonna be blown away. Seriously. We've got some stuff that's just awesome. Every time one of these shows happens I get in this huge monster panic and think it's all gonna blow up in my face, and then every time, we pull it off. Don't ask me how cause I totally don't even know. Just a great team here I guess. I'm so proud of everyone and the work they're doing. I mean it's like Paris in the Twenties or something. Anyhoo. Botox is tomorrow plus some eyebrow shaping. And that's it. I swear. I'm not going to get all weird and finicky about my appearance this year.
posted by Steve at 15:07 7 comments

Thursday, July 27, 2006
The big secret meeting
All I know is that it's at John Doerr's house and we have to be there at 9 p.m. sharp on Friday. And we should expect to be frisked. Full report as soon as I know anything more. Peace out.
posted by Steve at 18:43 2 comments

Hi, I'm Sergey, and I'm full of crap

Google says it will crack down on click fraud. Right. And tobacco companies want you to stop smoking. People, have you not figured this out yet? Google is doing the click fraud, okay? Think about this for like two seconds. Who makes money on click fraud? Have you not noticed that Google is building all these top-secret data centers with no windows on them? Why do you think they work so hard to keep reporters away from them? They've got thousands of people locked up inside those buildings, like gerbils on wheels, doing nothing but click on ads, twenty-four hours a day. (To be fair to Google, they do provide an awesome cafeteria, plus free health care for the inevitable cases of carpal tunnel syndrome.) Meanwhile, over in China, Kai-Fu Lee and a bunch of other ex-Microsofties are cranking out this totally complex Google algorithm that makes it look as if the clicks are coming from legit sources. Why do you think Gates was so pissed when Google hired Lee? Why do you think Ballmer was slamming chairs? Microsoft was cooking up the same click fraud scheme but couldn't pull it off. Now Squirrel Boy has beat Microsoft at its own game. Under the guidance of Lucifer of course. They put gormless Page and Brin out front to distract everyone with their "Don't be evil" choirboy shtick. You think those twits actually do anything other than give interviews and play with Legos? They're too busy shagging babes and fighting over their stupid plane. Page has to wear a helmet when he goes jogging, for Pete's sake. Yet nobody has figured this out. Amazing.
posted by Steve at 06:46 7 comments

Ultra hush hush
Something big is happening. I just got a call on my private line from someone I can't name telling me to be at a meeting tomorrow night in an undisclosed location here in the Valley. All I know is it's big, like very big, and some very heavy-hitters are going to be there. And as my friend told me, "You don't want to be there, you gotta be there." More info to come later. Stay tuned.
posted by Steve at 06:32 1 comments
About Me

Name:Steve
Location:Cupertino, California, United States
I love beautiful objects. I love creating them. Negative people upset me.

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Website - http://secretdiaryofstevejobs.blogspot.com/

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