Addictive Behavior -- Schick Happens

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Date Posted: 11:01:49 12/18/06 Mon
Author: Nanette
Subject: Addictive Behavior

I have become very busy. Which is a good thing. But, lately, I'm finding that I am falling back into some addictive behaviors that I need to push myself back out of. I no longer practice any of the behaviors connected with alcohol addiction, specifically, but, I am struggling with some fears that come from being overwhelmed. Before, of course, I would run into a bottle to take away that overwhelming feeling for a short time. And, of course, that was only a quick fix- an instant gratification behavior, which would leave me with more problems than I went in with. So, I'm glad that isn't a part of my make-up any more. However, it is still sometimes tempting to allow myself to become paralyzed by those overwhelming feelings and then attempt to "wait out" the difficult issues I need to deal with in the hopes that they will get better, or resolve themselves, on their own. Or, better yet, just disappear, magically. The logical, pragmatic side of me knows this to be a falsehood. But, the emotional part of me, that is still trying to catch up with the logical side of me, wants to sit back and do something, usually something semi self destructive, and hope there will be no fallout. At the moment, I know there is a part of my life that really needs to change. I need to change it. It's an area of my life that will have a ripple effect for most other areas of my life. There is the distinct possibility that it will actually change things for the better. There's also that slim chance it will make things worse or cause quite a bit of a struggle for a long while. That ol' fear of the unknown. It's what keeps people stuck in ruts, or pushes them back into behaviors they know they need to leave behind in order to move forward. (The most extreme example I can think of are adult people who continually allow themselves to remain in abusive reltaionships because they are afraid there isn't anything better out there, or even feel they deserve to be abused, or grew up in an abusive family and that is all they know.)
The issue, for me, is not, specifically, alcoholism, any more. The problem is addictive behavior. It seems as though it is easier to have another cup of coffee, smoke another cigarette, and deliberate a little longer- long enough to miss that exercise class, or put off making a decision, than actually making one. As you can see, this too, has a ripple effect in my life. And, frankly, it's not any easier.
I am requiring of myself, a little tough love. Just like when I walked through the doors of SSH, or when I made sure I would get through labor and child birth, or made a very scary sea crossing in 4 ft. seas with the wind, current and tide against me as a beginner kayaker, I will draw upon those powers inside me, take the hand of my inner addict and hopefully she'll come along even though she's afraid. But, if I have to I'll drag her through it, even if she's kicking and screaming. Sometimes that's what it takes to love myself that much.

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Replies:

Re: Addictive Behavior (NT) -- bump, 07:02:24 09/28/07 Fri