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Date Posted: 23:55:33 10/10/12 Wed
Author: d
Subject: fb220



#604 Suffering is not the Torah Way

Rabbi Simcha Zissel of Kelm (19th century Europe) wrote: "Some people mistakenly think that to follow the path of the Torah one must reject everything worldly. They are under the misconception that one must live a life of suffering and deprivation, and be submissive to others. This is not the Torah's path which is referred to as "a tree of life" (Proverbs 3:18). The verse (Proverbs 3:17) tells us: "Her ways are ways of pleasantness." The Torah's path is a path of joy, as it says (Proverbs 15:15): "The person with a good heart (Torah ideals) has a continual feast."

If someone is living what appears to be a Torah way of life and is not experiencing a path of joy, there is something wrong with that person's attitude.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone in the world would live a life of joy? Remember: By increasing your personal level of joy today, the total level of joy in the world will be increased!

(see Chochmah Umussar, vol.2, p.190; cited in Gateway to Happiness, p.24)


See Rabbi Pliskin's new book "Life Is Now"




25 Tishrei

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Levi Yitzhak of Berditchev (1740-1810), a beloved chassidic leader in Poland and the Ukraine. He is famous for always interpreting people's actions in the best possible light, for which he earned the appellation, "defense attorney of the Jewish people." He authored a popular commentary of the Torah, Kedushat Levi. Tishrei 25 also marks the yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moshe Sofer of Pressburg (1762-1839), a leader of European Jewry known as the "Chatam Sofer."



25 Tishrei

He [Hillel] was accustomed to say, "If I am not for myself, then who will be for me?" (Ethics of the Fathers 1:14).

This phrase is sometimes misinterpreted to mean that one must primarily look out for oneself, as though Hillel was advocating selfishness as a desirable trait.

What Hillel really meant can be better understood with a statement by the Rabbi of Kotzk, who said, "If I am I because I am I, and you are you because you are you, then I am and you are. But if I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I, then I am not and you are not."

Every person must have an identity, and that identity should not depend on what others think of him or what someone else wants him to be. A person who allows himself to be molded and manipulated by others does not have an identity or even an existence of his own, because he will always become whatever others want him to be, and he is essentially an extension of others, rather than an individual in his own right.

People, who allow others to determine who they are and what they are to do, generally do not assume full responsibility for their behavior. Their attitude is on, "He made me do it."

Both Hillel and the Rabbi of Kotzk demand that a person be fully responsible for his actions, and that he decide what he expects of himself and what he sees as his purpose in life.


Today I shall ...
... try to achieve my own identity. Whereas I will listen to the advice of those who are wiser than me, I will nonetheless never hold others responsible for what I do.

See more books by Rabbi Abraham Twerski at Artscroll.com


25 Tishrei

Punishing a Child

I have a child-rearing question. We found some coloring on the wall. We suspected our 4-year-old, and asked him if he did it. He denied it. We are not positive he did it, but he has a guilty look and it is very unlikely that another child did it.

What do we say to him? Do we just forget about it? Do we try to convince him to tell the truth? Do we punish him even though we are not 100% sure? What should we do?
The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Your question touches on fundamental concepts of child-raising that will affect your child for a lifetime, and I commend you for taking this seriously enough to write.

The bottom line? You must not punish him unless you are 100% certain he did it.

The best thing to do is to ask the child to help clean up the walls. Do not accuse or punish. Asking for his admission isn't productive since his goal is only to escape from punishment.

After the fact, you should simply say, "We love you even if you color on walls – but it's important to tell the truth." And leave it at that.

The idea here is to help the child develop an appreciation for telling the truth that will last a lifetime. Not to necessarily get him to tell the truth regarding one incident of coloring on the wall.

Don't worry – even though you may lose this "battle," you are more likely to win the war.

In other words, teaching him to tell the truth does not have to be done specifically right now over this event. The lesson can be taught in a series of follow-up stories over the next few weeks. Use the straw man technique to develop a main character who gets into a similar situation as your son – e.g. “Once upon a time there was a boy called Mikey...”

The "plot" of each story is, naturally, that the boy lied because he was afraid – and then he told the truth and everyone was so proud of him! Also, he did not get punished for what he did, because he told the truth and said he was sorry. If the "crime" in the story involved damages of some kind – e.g. coloring on the wall – you should add in the story how he cleaned it.

The next time something like this happens with your son, remind him of the boy called Mikey who told the truth, cleaned the wall, and did not get punished.

Ask him if he wants to be like Mikey.

Tell him that if he tells the truth, then he only will have to 1) wash off the wall, and 2) say he is sorry.

If he tells the truth, then make a big deal about it – e.g. let him hear you tell the grandparents on the phone how wonderful he is, etc.

All of the above holds true in the event that you are not certain if he did it.

If you are 100% certain that he did it, then do not ask him if he did it. Just state matter-of-factly that you know that he did it, ignore any denials and get straight to the point. He must:

1) Say he's sorry

2) Clean off the wall

3) Possible punishment

Of course, point out to him that item #3 – punishment – only comes when we deny it.

And finally, one word of practical advice: Any house with young children should have washable walls!



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