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Date Posted: 20:42:52 08/16/12 Thu
Author: d
Subject: fb202


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Single Woman

Answered by Sarah Zadok

Dear Rachel,

I have recently become more interested in Judaism, and have started attending synagogue. The thing is that I am a single woman, never married, and don’t have any children. I am in my late 40s and really don’t know if I ever will marry. Judaism seems to be so focused around marriage and children that I just feel left out. Is there a place in Judaism for the single woman?

Janice
New Haven, CT

Dear Janice,

I think, regardless of our circumstances in life, every person asks the question as to where is his or her place in Judaism. It is specifically because there are so many different aspects of ourselves that it is sometimes hard to know how it is that we fit in.

There is me the sister, me the friend, me the daughter, me the employee. But the deepest “me,” that is indefinable by external circumstance—that’s the “me” that we need to get acquainted with most.

The sage Hillel said: “If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, then who am I?” On the one hand, we need to spend time getting to know ourselves; at the same time, we need be of service to others. That’s the essence of living a Jewish life, balancing these two polarities.

The same Hillel also said, “Don’t do to others what you wouldn’t want done to yourself. The rest is commentary.” That’s Judaism. You don’t have to be married to be a connected, committed Jew.

It is specifically through the mitzvot that we are able to connect to G‑d, and in so doing, we connect ourselves to our essential self, the part of us that that is totally tapped into our purpose in this world. So when you are intrinsically connected with your true self, that will open you up to all kinds of possibilities. You never know where life may lead you. Perhaps marriage is still in your future as well.

And you are correct that Judaism does place a lot of emphasis on family life. But, it is also important to understand that, within a Jewish framework, there is a place for everyone. Our sages teach that there are “70 faces” to the Torah. That means that for every word, every sentence and every concept that exists in the Torah, that there are (at least) 70 different ways of understanding it. Take for example the commandment, “Be fruitful and multiply.” The classic and simple meaning is, “Have and raise children.” But if you expand your conceptual framework a bit, you could also understand this to mean: be creative, work hard and contribute to this world—and your good deeds and effort will be your legacy, the fruits of your labor . . . your spiritual children, if you will.

So, even though you may sense an ideal of a married life with children, it is important to understand that there are many ways to be a wife and a mother. We can wed ourselves to observing the Shabbat. We can sanctify that union with inviting guests into our home; we can celebrate that marriage with prayer and with song. And we can be a mother to a sick person in need of love and attention. We can nurture a community project, and reach out to others in need. There are wonderful opportunities to wed, and worthy projects to mother.

If you are feeling left out, I encourage you to make an effort to put yourself in. “Be fruitful and multiply.” Learn more about what it means to be a Jewish woman. Furthermore, take what you learn and teach it to another. Our sages teach us that whoever teaches Torah to another, it is as if he or she gave birth to that person. Actually, the greatest example of this is the Lubavitcher Rebbe and his wife, who never had children themselves. Yet when the Rebbetzin was asked if she had children, she replied that all the chassidim were her children.

Therefore, I urge you to get involved with your community. Seek out situations where you can contribute your unique talents and attributes. You were put into this world for a very specific purpose and mission. And you are definitely needed. We all are. We just need to try and live our lives in a way for that purpose to be revealed. Much luck and success on your journey!

Rachel
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Answered by Sarah Zadok More articles... | RSS Listing of Newest Articles by this Author

“Dear Rachel” is a biweekly column that is answered by a rotating group of experts. This question was answered by Sarah Zadok.

Sarah Zadok is a childbirth educator, doula and freelance writer. She lives in Ramat Beit Shemesh, Israel, with her husband and four children.

The content on this page is copyrighted by the author, publisher and/or Chabad.org, and is produced by Chabad.org. If you enjoyed this article, we encourage you to distribute it further, provided that you comply with the copyright policy.



17 Comments Posted | Post A Comment
Reader Comments
Latest Comments:
Posted: Aug 16, 2012
This was a wonderful answer to a sincere question, Sarah. I loved the sensitivity you put forth in your answer.
Posted By Ruth McCoskey, Silverdale WA

Posted: Aug 16, 2012
SINGLE WOMAN
Hillel Haazaaken also said: if not now,when ?
So firstly it is great that you started connection with the community. Second-start looking at yourself as a needed and appreciated person who through giving fulfills a great mitzvah The duality of feminine/masculine/ exist in any human being. Be sure you are not alone !!By presenting the issue, you made the right step to knowing yourself better and sure enough you will find a great partnership sooner than you can imagine. wishing you happy &interesting purposeful life- JUST OPEN UP TO GIVING AS WELL AS RECEIVING !!!- IT IS OK TO RECEIVE TOO...
Divorced/Single...man
Posted By Anonymous, Jerusalem, Israel

Posted: Aug 16, 2012
Single and Observant
I was married for many years and have been divorced for many years. I am lucky enough to have children and a new grandchild. I am okay and accustomed to going at it solo. My home is open to my family during the chagim and I am busy being hostess and matriarch. But, I have noticed, that if I wanted to connect and re-marry, Chabad has not been active in supporting potential matches with adults in their 50's. There are continual celebrations when shidduchs are made which is wonderful.The non-verbal message seems to be that when a woman can no longer conceive, why get married? I respect that some people do not want to marry and have children. And, Judaism still offers much to all people because there is a divine purpose in everyone. But, many times I think I'd like to be considered more relevant, rather than being seated at the divorced and single women's table.
Posted By Anonymous, Rancho Mirage, CA/USA

Posted: Aug 15, 2012
words and inner meanings
you gave as an example be fruitful and multiply and yes I can think of this in many contexts but there is one not endorsed by Orthodox Judaism. I feel we need to explore meaning and that being mean as in exclusionary and in judgment of others that this cannot be the Torah but yes we are here to learn lessons in reverence for all Creation including marriage itself and there is cleavage here between beliefs even amongst Jews
Posted By ruth housman

Posted: Aug 12, 2012
Lovely answer.
Posted By Riviya, Hartford

Posted: Aug 12, 2012
Sponsor a kid
I am also a single Jewish woman without kids and too old for kids now. The other ladies in my shul that are my age are grandmothers! I recently attended the JLI Retreat i n Florida and while standing on line for the Ladies Room I had a conversation on this very topic with a wonderful Rebbetzin who was in my age bracket. She suggested that I help sponsor a Jewish child's education, which I am in the processing of doing. It is not only tzedukah, the highest miztvah I think, but it makes me feel so useful to both the child and family and community.
B"H!
Posted By Esther, STamford, CT
via chabadstamford.org

Posted: Aug 12, 2012
Nice article.
Posted By Dave

Posted: Mar 23, 2010
Single Woman
Bravo and well said ..... I am re-learning this myself. I am a divorced Jewish woman, who in the past 3 years lost my parents; I did not heal well emotionally from that loss, and my then husband decided to follow a different path both educationally and spiritually.

I have re-connected with Judaism, and found that there is a place for all - single or married, parents or children, those with children and those without.

It's about our connections with G-d, with others, and with ourselves. We, as single women, have a place to call home.
Posted By Mindi, Richmond, MD

Posted: Apr 2, 2008
Dear Single Woman,
Jewish laws are not always on the books. I am diagnosed with bipolar, and the last time I was hospitalized I refused treatment. Having had treatment forced upon me, later when my wife was having our baby, I happened to notice that at a different hospital (nearby) policy allowed for the "mentally ill" to refuse treatment. Perhaps, I helped play a role in justice. Any person can play a role in justice.
Posted By Craig Hamilton, Sandwich, MA

Posted: May 22, 2007
Being single is tough, no question there. But being jewish is way more than spouse and kids. The Torah metions Aharons boys as being the children of Moshe and Aharon. Rashi says that Moshe taught them therefore had a part in their upbringing. Marriage is a built in opportunity to love, and love means giving. Even if one has not yet found their partner in chesed (giving), it doesn't mean one can't give elsewhere. There are always plenty of avenues for chesed, waiting for volunteers. And giving makes you feel like a milion bucks.

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