| Subject: jokes |
Author:
SPONGEY
|
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
Date Posted: 05:27:54 12/06/07 Thu
1
with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry Laprise, the man that wrote the 'the hokey kokey' died peacefully at the age of 93 the most traumatic part for his family was getting him in the coffin. they put his left leg in. and then the f**king trouble started.
2
joiner on a 3rd floor of building site 4got to bring his saw up with him. shouts down, but co worker cant hear him. so he does sigh language. points to his eye I) his knee (need) & moves his hand back n 4th in a saw motion. mate nods, pulls down his pants n starts to wank. the furious joiner runs down the stairs, says what the hell r u doing. I said I need my saw! I know say co-worker, just letting u know I was coming!!
3
3 girls on a plane that's going 2 crash, the American puts on her makeup " rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!" she said. French girl opens her bra, "rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts!" the African removes her knickers & says "f**k off, they always look for black box first!"
4
Bloke on holiday in Amsterdam goes into a brothel and asks for the fattest, ugliest girl they have, with the saggiest tits and a fanny like a ripped out fireplace. the madam said, "are we feeling kinky tonight , sir"> he replied. "no, just homesick!"
5
noel Edmonds is 2 start a new programme 4 bbc in aid of comic relief, it will take place in Africa where the little f**kers will be playing meal or no meal
6
After undergoing a full medical, a nervous man summons up the courage to ask his doctor: "How long have I got left to live?"
"Okay, I'll give it to you straight," the doctor replies. "Ten…"
"Ten what?" asks the terrified man. "Years, months, weeks, days?"
"Ten, nine, eight…"
7
the British population were asked if polish immigrants were a problem. 23% said "yes its a serious problem." 77% said "czesk bardzo mi milu gdzie djext toaldta"
8
when David beckham scores, I drink becks. when Paul schols scores , I drink skol. when tony miler scores, I drink miller. thank f**k David seaman was a goalie!
9
Man says to his wife, "I had a wet dream about you last night..." she says "really he says "yes , you got hit by a bus and I pissed myself laughing!!"
10
a man shagging his new girlfriend notices a photo of another man on her bedside table . he asks her is that ur ex husband ? no she replied. Another boyfriend? no silly she replied. your dad or brother? no no she answers. well who the hell is it he demands. she replied: me 6 months ago!
11
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.
The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."
The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
12
THE LORDS PRAYER: My vibro,which brings me heaven. Rabbit b thy name. Til kingdom come,thy makest me cum,on earth with eyes on heaven. Give me this day my daily thrill,and forgive me my screamz,as I forgive flat batteries. Lead me not in2 temptation, but deliver me form frustration. For thine is the rotation, the power and the buzzing, for ever and ever, no men! Xx
13
Wife reads an article, "Wow! A bull can have sex 3000 times a year... I wish u could do the same". Hubby replies, "Ask the bull if he f**ks the same cow'
14
Why did the good Lord give women thrush? .......... to teach them how to live with an irritating cunt before they actually marry one!
15
What kind of wife can wash up with 1 hand, cook tea with t'other, dust with 1 foot while sucking yer cock as she opens a beer with her ass ? A Swiss army wife!
16
Q: What does a 9-volt battery and a woman's arsehole have in common? A: You know it's wrong but sooner or later you're going to touch it with your tongue.....
17
Sorry I've not been in touch. Been away at the world strawberry picking championships. A woman with no legs won it ........Jammy Twat!
18
Teacher draw's a penis on the blackboard, she asks does anyone know what it is ? Johnny replies my dad has 2 of them, a small one 4 weeing and a bigger one 4 cleaning the baby sitter's teeth !
19
Paddy pulls along side a lorry - "Oi driver yer losing yer load!" Driver shouts 'F**k off!' 5 miles further, "Oi, yer losing yer load!" 'I've told u, f**k off!' says driver. 5 miles further Paddy yells "I'm not joking, ur losing ur load!" Driver says - 'Will u go away u thick Irish f**ker, I'm gritting!'
20
Paddy was driving home pissed as a newt. Suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a tree, then another and another. A cop car pulls him over as he swerves all over the road. Paddy tells the cop all about the trees in the road. The cop says, "For f**k sake Paddy, that's your air freshener."
21
The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka then suck it out using a straw. Health Experts are now warning about the dangers of 'Minge Drinking'
22
The 8 year old boy who weighs 14 stone was asked earlier on TV today what his favourite musical instrument was at school. The fat f**ker said the dinner bell !
23
Paddy was in the pub telling his mate about joining the army and his 1st parachute jump. He said they were up about 30,000ft, and 1 by 1 they started to jump. It came 2 his turn, and he cudn't jump, no way. Then this big darkie pulled out his 12 inch cock and said 'Paddy, if u don't jump, I'll stick this up ur arse.' Paddy's mate asked 'well, did u jump ?' Paddy said "Just a little when he first put it in ! ! ! "
24
Wee guy sitn at the bar.big thug walks in and hits him to the floor and says that's a karate chop from Korea. later thug walks up to him and hits him again and says that's a judo chop from Japan. the wee guy goes out and a few mines later returns smacks the big thug on head and knocks him out cold. and he says to the barman, when that cant wakes up tell him that was a crow bar from B & Q
25
Paddy+Jimmy need a drink. They pool their cash 2getha but only have 50p. paddy takes the cash 2 the butchers and buys a sausage! They go into a bar, order 2 pints +down them, before the barman asks 4 the cash Paddy puts the sausage into his fly and Jimmy sucks it, barman throws them out. In the 10th pub paddy says I cant do this no more my knees r killing me, Jimmy replies Your knees! I lost the f**kin sausage in the 2nd pub!
26
Prof Of Maths sends wife txt. "Dear wife, ur 54 yrs old, u can no longer satisfy my needs so when u get this I will b @ motel with my 18yr old asst. I am sorry! I will b home late." Wife sends reply "Dear husband ur also 54 and by the time u get this I will also b at motel with 18yr pool boy. Ur a brill Mathematician so u will know that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 into 18, so don't wait up!' floppy knob!
27
Q: What does a 9-volt battery and a woman's arsehole have in common? A: You know it's wrong but sooner or later you're going to touch it with your tongue.....
28
Nike are making trainers for lesbians. They're calling them "Nikes for Dykes". You get 50% more tongue and you can get them off with one finger.
29
Nun gets on train, skinhead in front of her eating bag of prawns, he starts spitting the heads at her, she throws them out the window & pulls emergency cord. Skinhead says "u'll get fined £50 4 that u stupid slut". Nun replies "when I cry rape & they smell yr fingers u'll get 10yrs u cant!"
30
Octopus walks into a bar, says. I bet I can play any musical instrument. Bloke gives him a guitar which he plays better than Jimmy Hendrix. 2nd bloke says...bet you cant play the piano. The octopus plays better than Elton John. Jock gives him bagpipes, the octopus fumbles for a minute and looks confused. Jock says... Ha, can ye nae play it? Octopus says...Play it? I'm going to shag it as soon as I get its f**king pyjamas off!!
31
Pacific cruise ship sinks with only 3 survivors, David, Darren and daisy. They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally. But daisy feels so bad about having sex with both David and Darren, she kills herself. Sad for David and Darren, but they get over it and again nature takes it's course. After a couple more years the lads feel really bad about what they are doing......so they bury her!!!
32
humpty dumpty sat on a rock. Little Bo Peep was sucking his cock. As soon as he came she started 2 weep, she knew by the taste he'd bin f**kin her sheep!!
33
paddy was shocked to learn off the vet that the cows on his farm had bluetongue, he said 'be Jesus, I didn't even know the buggers had mobile phones!'
34
bloke marries a deaf chick and says we need a code for sex, ill squeeze ur left tit if I want it, you pull my cock once for yes or 253 times for no
35
apple computers announced today that it had developed a chip which can store & play music in women's breast implants. the it will cost £200-500 depending on speaker size. this is a major breakthrough as women have long complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them !
36
a priest kept chickens at his village parish, one evening the cock went missing , at mass the priest asked "who has a cock? all the men stood up. no I meant who has seen a cock" all the women got up " no no who has seen a cock that isn't theirs" have the women go up."oh for goodness sake whos seen my cock? all the choir boys got up
37
woman goes 2 the doctors, " everything I sneeze I have an orgasm! "you taking anything 4 it?" asks the doc "yes snuff replies the woman
38
lesbian joins weight watchers, teacher says to her, "you are what you eat."lesbian says " are you calling me a cunt
39
just been 2 the gym there's a new machine, I only used it 4 half an hr but I started 2 feel sick !its good tho- its got kitkats, mars bars, mini cheddars everything
40
Had a bloody crash this morning, hit a car up the arse. The fella got out and he was a dwarf! He said: "I'm not happy!" I said: "Well, which one are you then?
41
Teacher to class,-what does your dad do at weekends? Oliver-he's a gay dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money's right, he lets punters bang his arse and come in his mouth. Teacher pulling Oliver aside, is that true? No miss, truth is he goes' to watch West Ham but I was too embarrassed to say.
42
What is the perfect engine. A fanny, why? because it fits any size piston, its self lubricating, starts with 1 finger, and does its own oil change every 4 wks.
43
Two men talking in a bar, one man says "after 10 years of marriage, sex with my wife is down to 3 times a year" the other man says, the same here pal, as a matter of fact if mine didn't sleep with her mouth open, I'd have none at all!
44
Those Harry potter films are so unrealistic I mean I believe the flying car could be possible but where the f**k do you get a ginger kid with 2 mates!
45
There were these 2 sewer rats, and the one said 2 the other, you look a bit fed up, yes I'm the other one said, it's because I've had nothing but shit for breakfast, dinner and tea, don't worry the other one said, I'll cheer you up, I'm taking you out on the piss 2 night !
46
What does a immigrant and a sperm have in common? The f**kers all come Flooding in but only one of the bastards works
47
Us girls r buying a new tampax with bells attached 2 them 4 the xmas period only
48
Two pregnant paddys knitting jumpers. One says 'l hope mine's a boy, lm using blue wool.' the other says 'l hope mine's a spastic, I've f**ked the arms up!
49
What do you get if you cross a lesbian and a hippo ??
a lickalotepuss
50
Man says to his wife: "Tell me so Man walks in2 a surgery & punches the Doctor. "You're a bastard! telling my wife her fanny is nice". Dr says "No I didn't. I told her she has acute angina"!!mething that will make me happy and sad at the same time". Wife says: "Your cock is bigger than your brother's".
51
Man sitting on train across from blonde in a mini skirt. He soon realises she is going commando. R u looking at my fanny she asks. Yes I'm sorry says the man. Its ok, she says its very talented.watch this I can make it blow u a kiss and wink at u. He stares in amazement as the fanny firsts blows him a kiss then winks at him. Come sit next to me - would u like to stick 2 fingers in? f**kin hell he says - can it whistle
52
May the Morris men of England fill your Anglo Saxon heart with joy. Happy St Georges day. This text is not available in punjabi, urdu, hindi, polish, russian, german, spanish, greek, french or any other f**kin immigrant tongue.................... God save the Queen. & keep safe Churchill & Bobby Moore
53
Message from www.Adult Dating.com... Your dating ad has been on our web site for 19 weeks now without any reply! Do you want us to try 1 week without a picture?
54
Two neighbours are out walking their dogs. One guy, a German shepherd owner, says "Let's go in that bar over there and have a drink."
The other says "They'll never let us in with the dogs."
The first replies "Just follow me", and dons a pair of sunglasses. When the doorman stops him, he says "But this is my guidedog", and is allowed in.
His friend does the same. The doorman says "I've never ever seen a Chihuahua guidedog before". To which the guy responds "WHAT! They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!"
55
Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth & nose. "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black"? Nurse raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand & his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says "There is nothing wrong with them sir". Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was just wonderful but listen very, very closely and carefully.... Are-my-test-results-back?
56
Man kneeling by bed,
wife says "What are you praying for?"
Husband says "Guidance".
Wife says "Pray for stiffness and I'll f**king guide it myself!".
57
Man says 2 wife u have an arse the size of a 3 burner bbq. Later in bed he says how bout a shag? Wife says no point lighting the f**kin bbq for 1/2 a sausage.
58
Husband buys a birthday present 4 his wife, she opens it and says, 'what the f**k do I want with a rocket.' He said 'u wanted space, now f**k off.'
59
Plumber gets caught on "Builders from Hell" shagging houseowner's dog on cctv. Woman sues him but judge dismisses case as he was corgi registered
60
Man goes into bedroom and sees his Irish wife ramming the beano up her fanny.whats wrong with your vibrator he asks. She replies nothing you stupid twat its f**king comic relief day
61
Woman goes into homebase and buys a wall mirror. Assistant asks do you want a screw for that? Woman says no but I'll suck your cock for a lawnmower!
62
Man has a 50 note tattooed on his prick. His wife says "Why have you done that?" He replies "For 1 I like to see my money grow. 2 I like to play with my money. 3 I like having money in my hand and last but not least next time you want to blow fifty quid you can stay at home to do it!"
63
Mad mary was speeding around the mental hospital as usual in her wheelchair. Mad Joe stopped her and asked 4 her licence. "shit" she said and sped off around another corner. Mad Jim then stopped her and asked 4 insurance. "f**k" she says and took off again at speed. Rounding a corner she met BIG JOHN standing stark naked with a massive erection. "oh no" she says "not the breathalyser again"
64
Little boy crying in tescos. Man says "are you lost?" Boy says "yes". Man says "what's your mummy like?" boy says "big cocks and Bacardi breezers!
65
Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. But he was born without ears. Johnny and his mum and dad went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention its ears or he would get a spanking. Johnny looked in the cot and said "What a lovely baby. Lovely feet,hands and skin. How's his eyesight?" The baby's mother said it was perfect. Johnny replied "that's great cos he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses!!"
66
Load of guys at a bucking bronco contest-1 bloke manages to stay on for 10mins.His mate says"f**k me, how did you manage that"he says easy, my wifes epileptic !
67
THE VILEST JOKE EVER - Why is a pork pie like a pensioners fanny?cos you have to bite off the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meat!
68
I met an old friend over the weekend, and he introduced me to his girlfriend, he told me she has a tattoo of a shellfish on the inside of her upper thigh, and when you put your ear by it you can smell the sea !
69
I want you. I shall seek and find u I shall take you to bed and have my way with u. I will make u ache and shake and sweat till you moan and groan. I will make you beg for me to stop I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I am finished with you and you will b weak for days all my love the FLU.
70
Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms & kept their tag line... Tesco condoms, every little helps. Nike condoms, just do it. Peugeot condoms, the ride of your life. KFC condoms, finger licking good. Ever Ready condoms, keep going & going & going. Pringles condoms, once u pop u can't stop. Burger King condoms, home of the Whopper. Andrex condoms, soft strong & very long. Polo condoms, the one with the hole.. Oops!
71
In a recent survey on blow jobs and why men like them so much, 6% liked the feeling, 16% liked the excitement and 78% just like the f**king silence!
72
A small boy says to his mum how do you spell clitoris? She replies ask your dad it was on the tip of his tongue this morning.
73
In a world that demand's small gadget's.. we demand small mobile phones, mp3 players, and cars, soon the small penis will be in fashion and u my friend will be a legend.
74
In the paper it said "please look after your neighbours in the cold weather" our neighbour is an 87 year old woman, not once has she come round to check if we're all right. The lazy bitch hasn't even taken in her milk for 2 weeks.
75
it goes in dry, it cums out wet! the longer its in, the stronger it gets! it cums out dripping & starts 2 sag!its not wet u think its a Tetley tea bag!
76
Just rang up 2 complain about the racism on Big Brother! Got thru 2 the Office call centre but couldn't understand what the paki bastard was saying
77
A three year old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath mum, he asked are these my brains? his mother replied not yet
78
A tramp walks into a jewellers and casually begins to finger his own arse. jeweller screams GET OUT. tramp points to sign-COME IN & PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT.
79
A woman married & had 13 children. Her husband died, she married again & had 7 more children, again her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children & she finally died. Standing at her coffin the preacher prayed for her and said " lord they r finally together." 1 mourner asked her friend, do u think he means her 1st, 2nd or 3rd husband? The friend replies, " I think he means her f**king legs.
80
Advert in pub window pies 1.00 wanks 50p man goes into pub and asks gorgeous blonde if she does the wanks. Yes she replies sexily. Right says the man wash your f**king hands cos I want a pie.
81
After great sex, my Thai girlfriend lies there stroking my penis. I ask do u want more sex?No, she replies, 'I'm just admiring your cock I really miss mine!..
82
Dr Dave had slept with 1 of his patients + felt really guilty. No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say 'Dave don't worry about it. U aren't the 1st doctor 2 sleep with 1 of ur patients + u won't b the last and ur single, just let it go'. But invariably the other voice would bring him back 2 reality whispering ' Dave you're a f**kin vet!'
83
Foreign doctors: three bombs, no deaths.Harold shipman: one syringe, 300 dead.Makes you proud to be British!!
84
f**kIN HELL!! I've just seen two deaf lesbians walking down the street with their hands in each others knickers! Do you think they were lip reading?
85
God appears to a man & says he'll have to quit fags drink & sex, if he wants to go to heaven, a week later God appears & asks him how it going, he says the fags & drink were easy to give up but when my girlfriend bent over to take meat from the freezer, I couldn't resist, I had to give her one there & then! God says, they don't like that sort of thing in heaven. Man replies, they don't like it in TESCO'S either!
86
Granny n grandad sitting at breakfast table. Granny ses do u no...my nipples r as hot 4 u 2day as they were 50yrs ago. Granddad sees course they f**king r...1s in ur coffee the others in ur porridge!
87
Guy on a black bike stops a kid and asks him if he wants a ride.Kid say no and carrys on.Biker pulls up again and says I will give u a tenner if you come4a ride.Kid says no again and carrys on.Biker pulls up again and say ok I will give u twenty pounds an packet of sweets. Kid says look dad u bought the Honda you ride it goodbye
88
Al Quada have accepted responsibility for all the flooding and mayhem in and around the uk. they claim it was a suicide plumber.
89
Britney Spears, fresh from the hairdressers, went home and handed her hubby a kitten. No you dumb blonde! He yelled, I said, shave your pussy and give me head!
90
David beckham has been asked 2 sort out the latest football funeral. Victoria says hes perfect 4 the job as hes so good in dead ball situations.
91
Dawn French was arrested yesterday for possession of drugs while wearing a short skirt she bent down 2 tie her shoe lace & revealed 75 kilos of crack.
92
Do u know y Cadburys chocolate orange have produced a white orange? So that at easter the black kids can have dirty faces like the white kids
93
An 80yr old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence. For 40 mins they shagged like bastards. Arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor. Christ she said "you didn't f**k me like that 50yrs ago! To which the old man replied 50 years ago that fence wasn't f**king electric!
94
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
95
Ann & Joe were out 4 a walk. Ann says 'I need a piss' & goes behind a bush.Joe hears her knickers come down & puts his hand through between her legs & feels something hanging 'Ann have u changed ur sex?' 'No'. she replies.'I've changed my mind & I'm having a shit! '
96
ANN SUMMERS LTD: Thank you for your order. You asked for the large red vibrator pictured in our wall display 4 your partner. Please re-select as this is a fire extinguisher
97
attractive young lady goes 2 bar n signals barman 2 bring his face close 2 hers. "r u the manager?" she asks, running her fingers thru his hair. "No", he sys."Can u give him a message ?"she asks, stroking his face n allowing 2 fingers 2 slip in his mouth so he can suck them gently"Tell him there's no f**kin toilet paper" its Kim by the way
98
Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," replies Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
99
Bloke see's an advert in a pet shop, talking centipede £5000, he buys it takes it home in a small box and after about 30mins opens the box and asks if it would like 2 go 4 a pint, the centipede doesn't answer, raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply, getting angry thinking he's been done he shouts the question at which the centipede sticks his head out of his box and says "I heard u the 1st time, I was putting my f**kin shoes on"
100
Boy playing with his train,mum overhears him say"all u bastards getting off,f**k off.All u bastards getting on,f**kin hurry up"Mum sends him 2 his room 4 2hrs until he learns 2 b nice. When he starts playin again 2hrs later,mum hears him say"those disembarkin mind the step & have a nice day & those boarding enjoy ur journey & those upset at the 2 hr delay blame that fat f**kin bitch in the kitchen...!
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
| |
Feedback: 