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| Subject: From Here We Cannot Lose | |
Author: andy | [ Next Thread |
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] Date Posted: 05:57:58 02/01/08 Fri I wet her with the only real thing I have to give for free. It's a lot of years of living that takes a man to compile enough wisdom to be able to look into someone else's life and shine a bright enough light to see that what's going on is pretty messed up. You can see things clearly and still not have the guts to speak your mind. It takes some fortitude to come right out and tell some- one that changes are in order or life is only going to get worse. I spend much of my time talking to friends about life and the things I might suggest they do in order to achieve more balance in their lives. I instinctively love people and find it natural to lend a helping hand whenever there is a need. I can look back with a sense of some history. I'm starting to get up there in age and my list of people that I've helped has grown accordingly with the time I've spent here on this wonderful earth. There are those that listened to me and never made a change. They probably tried but there are some people who for whatever reason seem to be drawn into the kind of life that invites the darkness in. There are those that made some changes and took their lives to a better place. For those times I helped I am both grateful for the chance and humbled that my words could have an affect on them. Then, there is one woman who stands out above all the rest. She contacted me to let me know that she thought my poetry was moving. For whatever reasons I guess my words sat well in her soul. I was touched by the softness and grace of her words. Soon we began to communicate on a regular basis. I could sense that she needed to lighten up a bit so I made sure I made her laugh a lot and didn't really get into much deep talk until after we had a good feeling about one another. In time I learned that her life had reached a point where she was out of touch with herself a bit. She's a very selfless person. Giving, caring, loving, and a wonderful Mother. Unfortunately she was married to a man who has control issues and had probably lived in an acute state of his own depression for years. He sleeps more than any man I have ever been exposed to and really didn't actively participate in his families life much. He was a good provider. A man who loves his job. It was enough to pay the bills and take them down the road to where they ended up when she first got in touch with me. We spent a great deal of time together and I began to realize just how very special she is. She is the first person in my life I can say without a doubt reminds me most of my Mom. Having grown up in a very dysfunctional household myself I have a keen sense for sensing pain below the surface in anyone that I grow to care about. I thought about things much when I was alone spending my quiet time. I finally decided that I needed to try and get her out of the dark closet she was in because she is so special that her life was passing by without her having a chance to have some of the love she so freely gives returned to her in a healthy manner. First we discussed her situation honestly. It took some time for her to tell me things that she really didn't share with many people. In the end she left her husband and began to start a new life. In the process of making changes she began to reintroduce herself to herself. We continued to talk on a regular basis. I was never sure if what I felt for her was the kind of love that I hold for my sisters or something more that could lead to an intimate relationship down the road. It really didn't concern me and I didn't feel the need to explore it and still really don't. Our connection is a deep and healthy one. I love her so there isn't any need to define love further at times. It is what it is and so long as it is good for both people then it's something that should be treasured and protected. Time went by and she continued to make changes in her life that were not easy at times. It took a lot of guts to do what she did in blind faith. She is a devout Christian with strong faith in the Lord and once I got her moving she began to garner strength for the journey through prayer. I am but a man but, God well, he can lead any of us through the darkest storm into the light. These days she is now back in school. She's taking Internet courses to better herself and broaden her horizons. One of her sons had a chronic illness that requires a big time invest- ment on her part. Another son has some emotional issues but is a wonderful loving child just like his Mom. She wakes up every day and does what she should do as a Mother and never complains about her burdens. You know, in all the years I have reached out to help others (many times at my own emotional expense) I have never been more rewarded than I have been in this case. I'm beginning to feel as if she doesn't need me much anymore. Her life is busy now. She's healthy in her daily life and is beginning to broaden her horizons. It's almost as if I feel like God is telling me "Andy your work is done here and it might be time for moving on." You see, most of what our relation- ship has been about no longer is an issue. For that I will remain eternally grateful. I think of her and I and simply smile now. I feel gratified and thankful that she took the ball and ran with it like no one I have ever seen before. She did all that and never once complained to me about how hard it was. She has thanked me so many times and I know how grateful she is for our friendship. The thing is, the thing that I never saw coming is that she brought things to MY LIFE that have changed me for the better. She has come full cycle. There are times now when she could actually be my hero. God works wonders in his own time in his own way. What started out as another life project for me has now become a shining example of what a person can receive in return if they only would give more freely of their time to others who are in need. In essence I'm not sure where we go from here, her and I. We don't talk as much anymore and in truth I have had my own serious struggles to deal with that have taken up much of my energy and time. What I do know is whatever I gave to her, my time, my guts, my love, well, I've received it all back, ten fold and more. All I have to do is think about her life and in a moment I am filled with a humble pride. I know that God brought us together. I know that he has made me what I am and given me the gifts he has so that I can use them to help other people in times of struggle and need. I have always felt good about giving up my time to anyone who has come to me to talk about their lives. The difference here is that she not only took my advice, she went miles further. She listened, she employed, she expanded and she invested in her faith to lead her further on. She will always have a very special place in my heart and I will forever remain blessed that our paths did cross. It's a wonderful thing when we give and later find out that gifts we receive in return far exceed the bounty of our efforts. It's cold out here today. I should be down south walking a sandy beach. Instead I am in my cave typing out this blog and accepting the fate of my own choices as a man. Sure, times for me aren't the best right now but, it's the silent gifts that burn inside that light my way through dark storms. Whatever happens between us from here on in will never be as important as what happened between us that took us down the road we traveled to this day. She'll go on now to have a wonderful life of that I am certain. She knows herself well now and trusts herself to make the right decisions. She is confident in her daily life. She believes in herself and her family is a loving one that will always be at her side supporting her as she journeys down life's road. This morning I celebrate our history and the journey we shared together out of the closet, through the darkness and into the light. We are forever bonded in the great lights of love and faith. When you have that in a friend your life becomes enriched and there is no way to put a measure on such a beautiful thing. She'll be reading this on her own time when she finds it. For anyone else that falls upon it I can only hope that you find friends that care enough about you to stand with you through storms until together you climb the mountain and one day watch the clouds all disappear. Let fate be our guide and truth be our sermon. Whatever faith you invest in never walk alone. ........and that should be enough for any man especially a man like me. ajs [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] |
| [> Subject: Re: From Here We Cannot Lose | |
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Author: Christine [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:04:35 02/01/08 Fri Andy.... You know, there are those friendships that are just undefinable no matter how it got there, or what journey you took together to get to the point where you are now and isn't that what a true and loving friendship is all about? I am sure that she'll love this, weep for the soul that you are and the power of love between you and still thank you for all that you are while embracing faith and unconditional love. I have always said you have a great and wonderful heart....and like that special woman, I am forever thankful for YOU! ~Hugs~ Me |
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Author: andy [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:50:18 02/01/08 Fri Christine, Much of the time you and I f---- off. That said, I know you and how deep your are yourself. I greatly appreciate you taking the time to read this and to leave me your words. You and I have our own journey together. You're also very special and I am overjoyed to have you back here sharing in the muse with all of us. I think it's time for a little phone chat. Now, back to f--------ing off. YOU THREW OUT WHAT????????????????????? Do you realize that almost brought tears to my eyes. I know where you shop! I could have used them for next years Christmas presents. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Hopefully, I'll catch up with you later on so I can kick your ass. Much love hot stuff, me |
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Author: Jessica (Agape) [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:17:24 02/01/08 Fri Andy, It was wonderful to read this. It's hard to remember sometimes when you're in the thick of things how rich and multifaceted love is, and how much you really do get back when you're not working all the angles in expectation of something in return. It takes a lot of strength to give that way and not be afraid that you'll go empty. Thank you for reminding that that's possible! Reminded me of this passage: "The ancient Greeks had words for love that transcend our usual notions, writes Lindsay Swope in her review of Richard Idemon's book Through the Looking Glass. Epithemia is the basic need to touch and be touched. Our closest approximation is "horniness," though epithemia is not so much a sexual feeling as a sensual one. Philia is friendship. It includes the need to admire and respect your friends as a reflection of yourself—like in high school, when you wanted to hang out with the cool kids because that meant you were cool too. Eros isn't sexual in the way we usually think, but is more about the emotional gratification that comes from merging souls. Agape is a mature, utterly free _expression of love that has no possessiveness. It means wanting the best for another person even if it doesn't advance one's self-interest." For general edification ;) Thanks for shining my soul today, Andy. Namaste, Jess |
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Author: andy [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 06:17:17 02/02/08 Sat Jess, Agape Love! That's it right there. One word for one world. If only we could all understand the value of the word and put it into practice more often. You are a wise young woman with a beautiful essence about you. You arrived here at the motel and within a few days Sasha expressed to me that she knew you would fit right in and be with us as we continue to share our hearts and souls at MMM. From that point on I paid a little bit more attention to your posts (when my boss speaks I listen). What I quickly realized is that we are blessed to have you amongst us. I know that you are dealing with a lot right now as well. I just wanted to take a minute to thank you and to let you know that during the short time we have known each other I can say for sure that you have blessed us by joining our community. You are wonderful! I am not surprised it was you who introduced the the word Agape to this thread! Namaste--------- and may your day shine. Thank you Jessica, andy |
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Author: Sasha [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:29:20 02/01/08 Fri Sure, times for me aren't the best right now but, it's the silent gifts that burn inside that light my way through dark storms. __________________________________________________________ ~ oh Andz, hon, this is such a deeply touching heart pour.. and both of you have touched my life in such a beautiful way to give, to care, to love without expectation, is just the most blessed gift...your blog moved me to tears of pride and happiness for you, both... love you, my partner in c-rhyme *kiwi hugs* Sash xx  . |
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Author: andy [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 06:21:50 02/02/08 Sat Sasha, You know me well. You even know the sides to me that aren't very attractive. You my friend mean the world to me. It's easy for you to understand this thread because you know us both and you are such a big part of my life. No one has to tell you about how to give. You give all you can all the time. (how's that car doing by the way?) We have quite the place here and you deserve much of the credit for it. Now, get that damn pen moving across the page before I hop on a plane and show up at your door with a new pad and new lock for your door. Much love, me |
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Author: Shalah (soul smiling) [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 02:00:57 02/02/08 Sat Andy, I have read and read again these words many times today. I have soaked them in deeply and they have wrapped me in a warmth unlike any other I've felt. My story is not unlike many women's (or men's for that matter), that is up until the part where you entered my world and brought with you great light. I know that you have done much the same thing for so many others before me, and that you will continue to do so for many after me, and that makes me humbled and proud and so thankful to be among the people to whom God led you. My mother said to me once not so long ago, "When Jenn calls you smile. When Thomas calls you smile very big. But I always know when it's Andy calling." Of course, I had to ask her how she knew, to which she replied... "because he lights up your face and your life." Light has been a theme in our friendship for a very long time now, and your light will continue to shine in my life forever, because you shared with me the fire of your soul to thaw the frozen places and light the torch for life in me again. I will never be the same, because of who you are to me. Nothing can change that or take it away and I gather that knowledge around me like a quilt. Every day that I wake I thank God for you. Every night before I sleep I pray for God's blessings on you. And every day that I live, and likely beyond, you will be with me because you've been woven into the fiber of my soul. God knew so much better than we did what He was doing when He led you to extend a hand of friendship to me. I'm so humbled by your words and I can't express on this page just how precious this will always be to me, or how precious YOU will always be to me. I have never been any closer to defining our connection than you have, but I have certainly come to respect and hold it in reverence because it is more than the sum of you and I... and you've said it so well here. I love you, Andy. Thank you for telling my story, our story, in such a beautiful way. You bless me. ~Shalah |
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Author: andy [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 06:28:21 02/02/08 Sat There she is! Shalah, Shalah, Shalah! Well, you let the cat out of the bag so to speak, didn't you? Now, others can get a sense of what I was getting out when I was explaining the essence of who you are. One only need to read your words and they will immediately sense what I did when we began our journey. I am hushed right now (believe it or not) and feeling quite humbled by your response. I'll call you at some point today just to check in. Thank you for your reply. Thank you for all you've done to restore my faith in the giving process. Thank you for all the little things you do, the bear, the text messages, the morning emails, the phone calls, the replies to my muse, and most of all thanks for grabbing the bull by the horns and having the courage to have enough faith in me to believe in the process of change. I love you deeply and I am so very proud of you that words cannot express it entirely. You GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!! wink, andy |
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Author: Tammy [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 05:21:13 02/02/08 Sat (((Andy))) Another example of what brings such depth to all of your connections with others. That undercurrent of faith, and the simple need to be of service to others in anyway that is possible. And is of course, part of the reason so many elevate to you. My grandfather always told me, "Tam, there are many friends in this world to be made, but God truly blesses you if you should find ONE true friend that will walk beside you for the entire journey." And in essence that is so very true. Even when I didn't understand it early in life, it became a cornerstone of truth for me throughout the years. You are one of those corner stones as well, because the gift of your friendship is a wonderful treasure to guard. You express such deep, profound truths. No friendship should be about what is expected in return, but the fact remains that you will be blessed beyond measure when you give selflessly to those around you, while expecting nothing in return. Another Grandpa wisdom that he bestowed. *smiles* To add further to this thought, the importance of our traditional names (Mohawk names), used to make me wonder if we truly do live up to the names bestowed upon us at birth. For example; My older son was called Ai:ai'noni (Ah-ya-noon-nee) which means "He who makes the path" or "pathmaker" in short. In the course of his young life, despite all the hardships, he's living up to that very name. His rebellious side, has created new paths for parenting in me...finding ways to deal with him and his needs has broadened my scope of thinking. Taking new paths with him in order to discover better ways of dealing with age old issues. Again the name Ka'nah:ne (Gah-Nah-nee)means "she who watches over" (in the context of from above spiritually) or in laymen terms "a guardian angel". It's the essence of the meaning of this name that was placed upon my soul at birth. An old name that I have managed to live up to as well. More times than I probably remember too. But the point here is, if I could find a word in Mohawk to describe you, I would say that you also hold the meaning of that name very deeply within you as well. Now if I could only find the masculine form of that, I'd write it here. Living up the Mohawk grammatical rules I'd bet it's Ra'nah:ne (Rah-Nah-Nee) or he who watches over, as in a male guardian angel. And that would be you! Ka'nah:rhon'kwa Ra'nah:ne! (Gah-nah-roon-kwah) (Love ya, guardian angel) I:i (me) Muah..keep on doing what you do best! |
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Author: andy [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 06:33:54 02/02/08 Sat Ka'nah:rhon'kwa, Ah, and now I am really happy. To see your name here in this thread was just wonderful. You Tammy have one of those very, very, very, special hearts. When someone spends time talking to you for more than a passing moment they begin to realize that you are an intelligent, loving, caring, deep, and beautiful person. On top of that you have a great sense of humor and are so much fun to spend time with. You and I will continue to grow closer because we have that soul connection. You bless me every time I come into contact with you. I love your honesty, your sincerity, your deep commitment to your family and friends, and your words of wisdom that so often leave smiling after the reading's done. I'd hug your for an hour if you were here. I miss you and you are in my thoughts every day. Talk real soon tamerinsk eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee thanks for YOU! andy |
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Author: Tammy [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:58:21 02/02/08 Sat (((Andyman))) ((((((Hearthugs))))))) You always touch my heart in so many ways! I miss you too! I'm trying to come around more and more, while I try desperately to hang onto my emotional equilibrium. It's just nice to be here...and my words are inadequate to express anything I might be feeling at this moment...just know that I think of you each day and miss everyone too. We will catch up as soon as MSN let's me get on. With the new storm that came in..even my internet connection is having trouble..and I keep being bumped off. So...I will catch up to you later on. Ka'nah:rhon'kwa Ra'nah:ne ((Hugs)) |
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