Scene One

(The scene opens at SAFECO Field in Seattle)

(Kevin Kelly and Dave, an NHW cameraman are walking along the concourse. Kelly stops to buy some cotton candy as Dave rolls his eyes)

Dave, the cameraman ~ Are you sure he's here?

Kevin Kelly ~ Pretty sure. I mean, he's got season tickets and nothing to do, since the DPW closed it's doors. Besides the fact that if he's not, the NHW just footed the bill for us to come to Seattle to see a game... That camera's not rolling is it?

Dave ~ (with a wicked smile) Hmm... lets see. Index finger on record button... yeah, it's rolling.

Kelly ~ Shall we go with our usual 500 bucks worth of hush-money?

Dave ~ Considering that this could cost you your job... I think we'd better make it a grand.

Kelly ~ (yelling) A grand! Well I...

(Dave tilts his head back a little, raises his eyebrows, and just looks at Kevin Kelly)

Kelly ~ A grand it is. (sighs) How do I keep getting stuck with you as my camera guy?

Dave ~ I request the assignments. Just remember, some stuff can't be destroyed. Like my memory of the things in your Diary...

Kelly ~ (a look of alarm on his face) But... but... you...

Dave ~ Don't worry Kelly, just remember.

(Dave turns and starts to walk away with Kelly following him in a power walk)

Kelly ~ You're absolutely right. Let's go find and get this interview done.

Dave ~ Where are his seats at?

Kelly ~ Front row, behind the Mariners dugout and 1st base. I hope he's here so this isn't a wasted trip.

Dave ~ (shaking his head) Talk about an attitude adjustment.

(Kelly and Dave find their way down the aisle to the seat where sits.. )

Kelly ~ TOTAL?

(the man in the seat turns around and his smile quickly turns to a frown as he sees who it was that called his name)

TOTAL ~ Why am I not surprised that the one time I come to see the Major League best Mariners and bring a date, you show up? Not to mention that it's the top of the 9th, two outs, and the go ahead run is on 2nd. I should have penciled it in on my calender, because there was no way it couldn't have happened.

PA Announcer ~ Now batting, Right Fielder, Ichiro SUZUKI!

(the crowd cheers and Kevin Kelly obviously can't take a hint)

Kelly ~ I'm sorry TOTAL, I didn't realize you'd have company. What's her name?

TOTAL ~ Don't you get out of the house Kevin? She's Jennifer Love Hewitt. The actress?

Kelly ~ Hmmm...the last thing I saw in the theater was "Grease" ... but...

TOTAL ~ Why did I know that Kevin? How's that cotton candy you're eating, there? Same color as your panties? No, their... I'm not wearing panties, TOTAL! (cameraman laughs) Now that I look at her, your date looks an awful lot like Killer Instinct's sister, Karen. As a matter...

TOTAL ~ As a mtter of fact, your wrong Kevin. How does it feel to be a fuck up? She's a thousand times more beautiful than Killer Extinct's sister. In fact, Karen and infidelity pale in comparison to her.

PA Announcer ~ And that's the end of the innning. The mariners go into the bottm of the ninth leading by one run.

TOTAL ~ Damn it Kevin! You're makin me miss the game! You be waitin for me at the arena at 8 sharp with the info on my match, since they're drawin up the brackets today. Leave!

(Kevin Kelly and Dave, the cameraman turn and leave as TOTAL turns and starts talking to his date)

hr

Scene Two

(that evening, back at the NHW arena, Kevin Kelly and Dave are waiting outside TOTAL's locker room, when The End Result comes walking down the hall towards them)

Kelly ~ TOTAL, I've got the info on your mat...

TOTAL ~ Damn it, Kevin. Can we take two seconds to go into my locker room and talk about it? Take a second to breathe and shut the hell up for once!

(TOTAL opens the door to his locker room and Kevin Kelly and the cameraman follow him inside)

TOTAL ~ Now Kevin, who did I pull and what kind of match is it?

Kelly ~ It's an "Interstate Overpass" match. The loser is the one who's thrown onto the freeway below. Your opponent is a guy named Crossfire and he's already cut a promo. I brought you the tape so you could watch it.

TOTAL ~ Way to use your head for once. Throw it in the VCR and I'll go ahead and respond to the inane, jackaSs comments I'm sure he made.

(Kevin puts the tape in the VCR and they watch the promo. After the tape finishes playing, TOTAL turns to Dave)

TOTAL ~ JackaSs wasn't the half of it. Set up your camera, cause we're about to do this TOTAL style. What did you say this guys name was? Crossdresser, backfire, somethin like that? (TOTAL looks into the camera) Backfire, is it? Let me address you, your promo, and your varied carreer up to this point. You see I took the liberty of gettin the dirt on everybody in this tournament beforehand, just for occasions like this. You see, I could talk about your time as a Vegas lounge singer,

the fashion shoot you did for PlayGIRL magazine,

your start in this business as the Cuban Kid,

or the time you spent in the announce booth

after your nationally televised proctology exam.

I could talk about all those things, Crossdresser, but I won't. Instead I'll address things like the fact that you said you'd destroy me. Destroy ME??? It's gonna take a lot more manpower than you've got to destroy The End Result! And let me tell you what bein The End Result means. It means at the end of the match, when the smoke's cleared, when all the blood is bein mopped from the mat, when honor has been defended and gold is goin sround someone's waist, it's goin around mine! It means bein the king of the hill when all is said and done. It means bein the best there is in this sport today. But mainly it means that when the EMT's are scrapin chunks off the freeway below, they won't be scrapin up TOTAL. Destroy me? You'd better destroy your plane ticket to get to this match or they're gonna have to start callin me Conan, cause I will, destroy you.

Kelly ~ TOTAL I...

TOTAL ~ Not so fast Kelly, I ain't done yet. Now Crosswind or whatever your name is, I can't remember cause it ain't important. You wanna talk about my finisher, TOTAL Annihilation? You wanna say that it's copyrighted by the XWA for a Pay-Per-View? Well bein that I don't keep track of minor-league wrestling associations, I wouldn't know about that, but what I do know about is this. You need to take your aSs back to your four wrestler association where you can be a main eventer, and don't try to run with the big dogs. But for you, and so it's not a distraction, I'm gonna rename my finisher for one night only. Consdering the havok I'm gonna wreak on your body and soul, I'm renaming my finisher TOTAL Destruction!

Kelly ~ If I could...

TOTAL ~ Shut up till I'm done Kevin! So Campfire, before you make that trip, before you come to get taken beyond the limit, kiss your boyfriend goodbye, let granny see you off at the door, and get your will in order. Because after I beat your aSs up and down the over pass, after you've been hit with more orange traffic barrels than you can count, after the blood oozing from your head has slowed to a trickle, I'm gonna show the world something they've never seen. The first ever fatality from a finsher, as it'll be TOTAL Destruction from the overpass! This interview is over.

Kelly ~ But...

TOTAL ~ Be gone Kelly, before you be gone. Permanently.

(Kevin Kelly and Dave, the camerman get up and leave)

Fade To Black

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]