[Scene One]

(the scene opens as TOTAL arrives home from working out at the gym. He pulls his black Viper up to the curb, parks, and gets out)

(he walks into his house, goes into the kitchen, and gets a bottle Bud Ice from the refrigerator. As he sits down on the couch and lights a cigarette, the phone rings)

TOTAL ~ (to himself) Can't even enjoy a beer... (TOTAL answers the phone) If this is Kevin Kelly, I swear to God...

Caller ~ WAAAAAASSSSSUUPPPP!!! It's Da Felon baby.

TOTAL ~ Sorry, bro. This Doomsday series is so big my phone has been ringin' off the hook. And you know Kelly hasn't left me alone since I first did an interview with him back in the UWF2. So what's up man, how's your vacation goin'? Where'd you go anyway?

Midnight Felon ~ Just chillin'. Decided to go to Mexico. You'd be havin the time of your life bro, I'm tellin ya. Bar fights, hot latin ladies, and soakin up the sun, just like the old days. but I understand that you wanted to go do that tournament. I just needed a break for awhile. But when I get back everyone's still gonna be sentenced to 25 to Life, you know that.

TOTAL ~ Sweet. Did you catch any of the first card on TV down there? That Interstate Overpass match was no joke.

Midnight Felon ~ Yeah, the Series looks tight as the fuck! I kinda wish I wouldn't have went on vacation but, oh well. I thought you fuckin' bought it when you you went over the edge, but I shoulda known I was watchin' The End Result and you weren't goin' out like that! Did they ever find that guy's body?

TOTAL ~ Yeah, he was dead. But they had us sign waivers as part of our contracts, so I can't be prosecuted or sued by his family or nothin'. It's all good, although I do kinda have some regrets.

Midnight Felon ~ Really?

TOTAL ~ Yeah. In the heat of the battle I just grabbed him by his trunks and threw him over the side, instead of doing TOTAL Annihilation off the side of the overpass. I wanted to be the first guy to ever give a fatality with his finisher. But all I saw was red, so I just pitched him over the side.

Midnight Felon ~ You got issues bro. So what kinda match you got this week?

TOTAL ~ A "Live and Die by the Gun Match." There's gonna be a nail gun on each side of the garage, we start in the middle, and the match doesn't end till one of us can't go on. Speakin' of which, I gotta go do some research, so I'm gonna go hop in the shower and head out. I'll call you next week sometime and see how things are goin down there. Later bro.

Midnight Felon ~ Later, man. And when you beat this guy down, make him call you Midnight one time. Peace.

(TOTAL hangs up the phone. 30 minutes later he walks out of his house and jumps into his car, laying down rubber as he peels away from the curb and drives down the street)

[Scene Two]

(TOTAL pulls into the parking lot at a busy shopping mall. He walks towards the mall, signing an autograph along the way, and walks into the front door at Home Depot, the World's Largest Home Improvement Warehouse)

(He walks past the register's and makes his way back to the Power Tools section. As he's looking over the wide selection of nail guns, an employee approaches him)

Home Depot Employee ~ Can I help you find anything, sir?

TOTAL ~ Yeah, uh... (looking at the guys name tag) Ted. I was wondering what the best nailgun you had was.

Ted ~ (walking a few feet down the aisle and picking up a box) It's this one, the Hitachi XN-120. Got one of these myself.

TOTAL ~ Yeah, right. Anyway, can you tell me a little bit about this particular nailgun?

Ted ~ Surely. It has a 120 nail capacity, steel body-wear protectors, an exhaust deflector, an...

TOTAL ~ That's all fine and dandy. Can I take it out of the box and see how heavy it is?

Ted ~ Surely.

(Ted takes it out of the box and hands it to TOTAL)

Ted ~ How does that feel?

TOTAL ~ It's not too heavy. Has a nice balance on it. And it's gonna be used to nail your foot to the ground if you call me Shirley again.

Ted ~ What? Oh, I wasn't calling you Shirley. I was saying sure-ly. S-U-R-E-L-Y.

TOTAL ~ Whatever, just don't let it happen again. Do you happen to know how many nails per second this thing'll shoot?

Ted ~ Nails per second. Hmm? (turning the box over and over in his hands) There doesn't seem to be any spec on that here.

TOTAL ~ Do you have a demo area in the back? Someplace where I can go and test this out?

Ted ~ Sure... (TOTAL tilts his head down a little and looks at him) ...we do. Lets walk to the back and hook it up to a compressor so you can see what she'll do.

(they walk to the back, where Ted sets down the box, sets a board up on two sawhorses, dumps some nails into the nail magazine, and hooks the gun up to an air hose)

Ted ~ There you go, give her a whirl. Just press the gun down on the board and pull the trigger.

(TOTAL presses the nailgun against the board and pulls the trigger. A three inch nail comes out of the gun and goes through the board, with about an inch hanging out the other side. TOTAL does this about three more times before stops, turning the gun over in his hands and looking at it)

Ted ~ No recoil whatsoever, so your arm's not gonna fall off after a hard day at work. And feel that (rubbing his hand over the nails that TOTAL just put through the board) Completely flush everytime. And it's guaranteed to do that for the life of the gun.

TOTAL ~ How much distance do you think you could get on one of these nails?

Ted ~ Distance? Well it can't be fired unless it's pressed against something. You see this? (he points at the end of the gun) It' got a safety on it, to prevent accidents. Unless this safety is pressed in, it won't fire.

TOTAL ~ Let's say, for arguments sake, that I held the safety in by it's sides or better yet put a piece of duct tape over it. What kinda distance do you think I could get out of it?

Ted ~ Well I don't think it would be wise to do that because somebody could get hurt, but if I had to guess I'd say 50 or 60 feet.

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