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Date Posted: 07:39:50 12/10/03 Wed
Author: MEGAN
Subject: MEGAN

What would you do to survive if you suddenly found yourself homeless with no money, friends, or family?
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I suggest masturbation. It might not solve your problems, but it feels good and no one makes fun of your small penis or your man-boobs.
MoobyBill November 27, 2003 10:02 PM

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Wait this almost happened.. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO SURVIVE. McDonalds? Do it. JiffyLube: DO IT. Apply for public assistance: DO IT.

And if you can't get your life back to something semi-normal.. There is suicide and if you've fallen that far -- it may be an acceptable solution.

Monkey Spunk November 27, 2003 11:31 PM

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Suggest to Pud that you'll reenact BumFight.com scenes with his T-Shirt Hotties for minimum wage and if need be, you'll play both Bum and Hottie at the same time a la Fight Club style.
Ulysses Paint November 28, 2003 07:05 AM

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It all depends if you are a man or a woman. Especially, when you are a cute one with large boobs. I never saw a hot babe being homeless for longer than 3 minutes. There is always some guy that will take her home and give her what she needs (drinks, food, clothes, money). No doubt the breast implants are the girl's best friends. Ugly women will end up in a shelter. Guys will be on their own with "Will work for food" signs on the street corner or asking for a spare change in downtown. That's life. Having rich parents who are not pissed off with you helps. No rich parents? Consider sex change operation now.
Fidothebrain November 28, 2003 01:51 PM

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One word: Craigslist.org
DutchOven November 28, 2003 02:03 PM

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Prepare today for tomorrow. Go and get KY Jelly Water Based Lubricant. A favorite for years KY Jelly by Johnson & Johnson is the No.1 lubricant available today. KY jelly lubricant may be used with condoms and other rubber products. Non perfumed and water-soluble. Being sterile and medicated, KY Jelly is ideal for both anal and vaginal sex. Keep a tube handy when you are in the streets. A tube or two should be in your survival kit.

Boomboom November 28, 2003 03:35 PM

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Prostitution is the obvious answer to getting a lot of cash quickly, if you don't mind having a disease-infested dick up your ass. Also, a lot of prostitutes end up dead, so with that in mind, I think I would kill myself before resorting to that.

I think if you are stuck with absolutely nothing, panhandling is the way to go. Work kid-oriented events like the Circus, and failing that, work date-friendly events. You can try sporting events and stuff like that, but guys hanging out with other guys are not going to try to impress each other by looking sensitive.

If it were me, once I had some money from begging, I would get a car, start garbage-picking and try to deal junk at flea markets. Someone will always pay money for somebody else's throwaways. You won't make much but your time is pretty much worthless at that point, so anything is good. It could turn into a living or something else might come along, but unlike prostitution or crime, you might actually be able to make a comeback when times got better.


BigDicksHalfwayInn November 28, 2003 10:42 PM

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If you are a guy, try selling your sperm. You can get some money for that but it will take time to qualify. No matter what you do try to look clean, with no body smell. Go to the local library to rest and even wash. Read some motivational books, you might get some ideas. Become friendly with bums (avoid drinking with them) - they will tell you where you can get free meals. Don't give up and kill yourself. It's nonsense. You will survive. It will be a great topic later when you become a standup in a comedy club. And one more idea - try telemarketing.
Mr.Soydream November 29, 2003 02:06 AM

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Yeah....you could become a prostitute. However, why do so? The bums you see out on the streets are there because they want to be there or don't have the ambition to do something better with their lives. Or, more likely, they have a mental disorder that prevents them from performing the basic tasks of daily life. Give them a bed to sleep in and a job at McDonald's and they will manage to screw it up.

You, given your ability to post a question for Pud, aren't like these people. You have basic life skills. You are literate. You probably bathe regularly. And, I bet you can speak to others using sentences. People on the streets are not there because they fell out of the sky with a 40 in their hands--they have no skills and little ambition. You, on the other hand, have both.

Here's what you do. Go to a homeless shelter. Tell them you want to find work. This request alone will place you in the 99th percentile of people there. They'll help you find a job. You'll get promoted. Pretty soon, you'll have a nice apartment, a hot chick (or whatever you're into), and some money in the bank. It'll be you own little Horatio Alger story.

The point of this rant is that people who possess basic life skills (communication with others, going to work on time, etc.) and lack mental disorders don't end up homeless. And, in those rare cases when they do, they bounce back quickly.
Shabby November 29, 2003 10:01 AM

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The last poster is correct. For all of you suburbanites who think the guy holding up the sign "will work 4 food" will really, in fact, "work for food", I'd like to let you know that there is a bridge for sale over in Brooklyn.

I live in a big city and I have several homeless people in my neighborhood. They are my neighbors and they are mentally ill. In fact, almost 100% of true street people with shopping carts are mentally ill. They aren't homeless because they don't have a "home", which is easily remedied, they are homeless because something is firing wrong in their brains and OCD kicks in. One guy is in the exact same position, same street, same time weekly, for five years now. This guy feels the need to be where he is, and that place isn't a shelter.

Now the panhandlers, they aren't homeless, generally. They're just lazy fucks who learned that if you ask people for something, sometimes you get it. Beats (for them) getting a job with real hours, a boss and, well, "work". I hate the fucks and rejoice whenever it's football or basketball season, since they are never out when there's a football game on.

I read an interesting story about a homeless action team which was trying to round up the homeless on the subway. The homeless actually banded (a bit, they're too crazy for much cooperation) together to warn each other, so they could stay away from the social workers trying to get them to a shelter, with health care, food, and safety. The homeless were actively avoiding this fate.

In the end, don't give money to those aggressive fucks on the street you suburbanite idiots, you get to leave, but now I have to deal with them every evening, newly emboldened with success. Do, however, give a fiver, a pack of cigs, a sandwich, whatever to the truly insane guy on the corner with a shopping cart.
pud is lazy November 30, 2003 03:55 AM

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Walk right into the nearest police station and feign amnesia. They'll figure out how to feed and shelter you until they can find out who the fuck you are. Never relent and recover your memory. Eventually you'll become a celebrity cause and get written up in Time magazine.
Then rich doctors will pay you to study your obviously damaged brain. Book and movie deals will follow, as will fascinated and curious hot chicks. You'll reinvent yourself and
never be the idiotic loser that you were before
you became a bum.
bluntquery November 30, 2003 10:25 PM

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Go on the game.

trent_derby December 2, 2003 09:52 AM

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OK, so the panhandling idea wasn't too popular. How about stooping? Stooping is the act of retieving winning horse race tickets that people accidentally discard. It is so named because they used to stoop down to look at discards on the floor. Nowadays, they root through the trash, collect 'em, and look at them at home. Many people don't know, for example, that a bet on a scratched horse is refundable. That could be two bucks they are tossing out as a loser.

Obviously, you won't really be welcome with the track management, but if you are considerate and nice to the working stiffs, you might be able to slip under the radar of the bosses.
BigDicksHalfwayInn December 3, 2003 08:00 PM

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Go to the nearest church. Ask for counseling, tell them that you love Jesus and you want to study Bible. Join the Bible study group, somebody in the group will come to your assistance. In exchange for shelter offer to work around their house or garden. Remember "Being There" the movie? Soon you will be able to function like a normal and clean human being and you will get some job. Later write a movie script about your experiences and see your name on the big screen. When you get famous and rich, don't forget to tell Pud you got this idea from his site.
KingKarp December 3, 2003 10:38 PM

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Start your own Fuckyou.com site like I'm doing.
WalMart_MakesBigCakes December 4, 2003 05:31 PM

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Something like this happened to be in my early 20's (it was 1978, I believe).

The only thing I had going for me was an old car which had just died sitting on the streets of Arlington VA. I was able to sleep in the back seat, and miraculously never got arrested or towed.

What did I do? I went to every restaurant I could find in DC and asked for a job. I got two -- doing breakfast room service in the Watergate and evening meals at a seafood restaurant on the Potomac. I wasn't too funky at that point, and somehow never got to the place where people started to object to my lack of showers. Since I worked in restaurants, I could eat enough to keep going for the first couple of days.

After a week I had collected $300 in tips, which was enough to get a room in an SRO house.

Could have been worse.

Ribofunk December 8, 2003 05:12 PM

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