| Subject: My day today ( a damn long post - so wake up) |
Author:
aleXX
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Date Posted: 23:40:24 06/06/02 Thu
Author Host/IP: 172.norcross-03rh15rt.ga.dial-access.att.net/12.92.204.172
In reply to:
aleXX
's message, "Thursday June 6 Late at Night" on 19:14:30 06/06/02 Thu
My special, beautiful jeNN
My day started out okay. I got up at 7:30 in time to meet you online. I sat there for a while. No jeNN-GRRL. Then i got a phone call and heard you were on the phone with D. Then shortly thereafter i got a short, hasty post informing me your bird was home. I guess i kinda hoped that you'd be able to sneak in a post at some point during the day cause i thought i heard he went over to D's but i guess you had your hands full with the little duo. I had to imagine what you must be having to do. I thought about you having to take care of your bird. The kids all hyped up after their trip tearing around the house. All the house-work that piled up in your absence. All the mess piling up from life itself, i guess. I worry about you possibly getting sick yourself. And i'm sure at some point you will as well as the little ones. It'll really be a mess for you then, i know. It'll pass if that helps any. Just try and take care of yourself, and i mean mentally & emotionally as well as physically. Relax, take a breath. Sit in the sun, feel the breeze. Take a walk in the yard barefoot. Feel the grass between your toes. Lie down in the grass and stare at the clouds. Feel the blades of grass tickle your arms and legs. Rub the grass with your hands. Close your eyes and feel the wind and listen to all the soothing sounds you can hear. It's all okay. Everything is (and is going to be) perfect. Just wait and see.
Did you get a chance to think anymore about what i suggested about liking yourself? Loving yourself? You should see that you are special, you truly are (and i don't just mean "to me"). There is plenty in you that is loveable & beautiful. I see these things quite clearly. All we need to do is to get you to where you can see them, and believe them. You have to see this! You just have to. Once you do, you have to nurture it, protect it, and make it grow. Let me know what you're thinking/feeling, okay?. I'd really like to know. It'd be great to sit and talk about it with you too. I've got thoughts that come out occasionally and it would be nice to share these ideas and let you tell me what you've discovered. Let's just say, we'll each explore this "loving yourself" concept and talk about what we find, okay? No HOMEWORK, I won't make you dread it. But, from your comments, i feel you need to try it. Just TRY, that's all i ask.
I'm glad you saw the banner, I made it myself, can you believe that? I walked all the way up there and put it up and back again. It was hot. I didn't know what time you were coming back through if you even went at all. But, in case you did, I had to, I mean, I HAD TO, do something to communicate with you. What do i use next, smoke signals? I wanted to but didn't wait there cause you'd have the little ones with you and maybe the big one too (well, he was sick and may have gone with y'all - hell, i don't know, any fuc*ing thing can happen and it seems lately, it often does). I felt quite satisfied with myself for the idea though. It made me feel so good inside and as i haven't communicated with you in any way in a while, it made me feel so much closer to you. The sweat pouring off me the whole way up there, during, and the long walk back felt so good. I was working on something FOR YOU! That made it all worth it!
So, tell me all about the fun trip. Recount for me the wonderful things they saw & did. Sand, sea, salt, ocean, sea-shells, breeze, sun, a day out. What did you do enjoyable? It sure was a beautiful day for it wasn't it? I just realized, i mention "enjoy", "fun", "play", & "happy" quite a bit don't I? Well, i believe it all comes down to these things. If these things are not satisfied in your life then everything else goes to hell. Do you notice this too or is it just me?
Man, i've smoked too much today. Yesterday, i walked for one reason or another, (you may have heard the story) about 15 miles total in the hot sun, in jeans, wearing black, with no water. Now that was some good exercise. I had a total of 13 wild plums. 3 blackberries, a quart of unsweetened tea, some water, and a little diet cola. Oh, and the 6pk of small bottles of beer from the store. That's all I had yesterday. Honestly ;)
I'm very disappointed about the past days. I've been able to talk to you NONE at all. Without getting too weepy on ya, I guess i feel lost, depressed, and quite confused - in short lonely and missing you. There, that wasn't too much bleeding was it?
So, how have you been? Have you gotten any work done? Any new material? I don't actually have anything new. But, I did talk to an old drummer friend (you know who) and he was very helpful & supportive. As i implied in an earlier post, he said "whenever we wanna play, just come on". According to him, the music scene out there is awesome, the "live-music capital of the world" as Austin is billed. I talked about drummers and he said he'd be more than happy to sit in with us. Also, he said that a lot of bands hire members just for shows, he says it's quite common now. See the earlier post for a link to their website. He's sending their material and I spent the day making a killer CD-demo. I've already sent it out to him. I've got another to be mailed off tomorrow to our other fave, bif. I'm scouring the internet for anybody to send the stuff out to. I've gotta get to work here on this band. I've been lazy too long! I've gotta get some new material written. We need to get the rest recorded. Gotta get some cool photos. I already have some ideas for some. I plan on going to Macon soon and putting up a flyer at the music store there as well as in the one in Statesboro. I need to find out where any practice rooms are in macon and what they cost. I guess i'll ask around. I'm in the market for a new bass too. And i've got my eye on a used keyboard for effects. I seem to have some renewed energy in this lately. When we get the new stuff recorded, i'm gonna do a poor-man's copyright (my drummer friend said that despite what you may think, it does hold up in court). Any ideas from you on what we need to do, what you want to do. By the way, our friend W, the guitar player hasnt emailed me yet, did you send him my email address? I've got you a pile of CDs ready for you. And a couple of little gifts too. Also, check out the stuff i'm bidding on. I cant find my leather pants so i'll just have to get another pair, won't I? The old pair were too big anyway. I'm gonna get a pair that fit.
I feel a bit odd tonight. As i say, i haven't heard a word from you, just reports of you from D. These reports made me feel so distant from you. You were there! They actually saw you, actually talked to you. It must be so wonderful for them to be able to be in the presence of a goddess! Oh well, another missed opportunity for me! It's always other people who are lucky. alas.
D told me she told you about the little piercing (that reminds me, there's something i have to ask : very personal). Well, you'll be happy (maybe you will) to know that so far, it's doing okay, no infection. Just a metal rod stuck through it (if you can call that okay). The wrist band is getting better too, still a bit tender. Did you see the pics? Do you like it? Also, she said you looked at my auctions and commented that i didn't offer anything to y'all. As i said to you privately, if you want ANYTHING, just bid on it and it's yours. Also, if it ends without a bidder, just ask, it's yours. I didn't know y'all wanted this stuff. Actually, some of the items were going to be given to you (namely several shirts but R put them in the goodwill pile - only D's bird got any shirts from that lot). I just can't seem to find a way to GIVE you anything i'd like to. You know, birds on both ends watching. I even worry about giving you so many CDs. I just get stuff i think you might appreciate so i make you a copy. It's so nice being able to share your interests with someone. I cherish this about you.
I guess because of these recent events in the past couple of days you feel a bit strange, guilty perhaps. I feel at a loss of how to talk to you. What do i say. When things like this occur and you're around them, it seems our relationship is teetering on the edge. Divided loyalties and all that weird stuff. Please don't feel guilty. I can assure you that the majority of my problems with her have absolutely nothing to do with you. I wish there was somthing i could do to relieve this tension, set your mind at rest, but i can't seem to come up with anything that you'll believe. From my point of view, it's all so hopeless. I can't undo the past, and the past is wrecking any future i may dare to dream of with you. My past & current situation is one MAJOR obstacle between us. It bothers you far more than it does me. But, as it disturbs you, (the way i feel so connected to you) it therefore disturbs me. I wish there were no trouble like that. It hurts to think about that, so i'll try not to. I suppose i should just take you one day at a time while i've got you, right? One day you'll move on and I'll regret wasting this precious, special time with worries and crying. So, I'm gonna continue to try not to brood over it too much. Just keep myself busy! Work!
Now, I've heard you say you haven't slept much lately. I want you to sleep well. You need to. Get your strength back. I know you've got a lot of things to do every day but honestly, try and get some rest.
So, I want you to get into some soft comfy clothes. Curl up in the bed under your pile of blankets with lots of soft snuggly pillows. Curl up tight. Suck your thumb if you want, I think that's so cute. Now, close your eyes. I'll blow a kiss to your soft fragrant cheek from here. And now I want you to dream, dream of a magical place. A place where there are no problems, no meanness, no insanity, no trouble whatsoever. A place where there is freedom, a place of fun, a place of happiness, a place where the sun always shines in a cloudless sky, the wind blowing lovely-sweet salt air off the ocean, and it never, never rains....I LOVE YOU, Beautiful - Sweet Dreams!
I AM SO DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH YOU...
and i do mean "IN LOVE WITH YOU" !!!
(aleXX screams at the top of his lungs)
I have been utterly miserable without some connection with you. I MISS YOU GREATLY!!
aleXX
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