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Date Posted: 03:53:59 11/02/99 Tue
Author: theo
Subject: Something to ponder.

Something I wrote about 3 years ago...



Below is a filled-in IRS questionnaire recently mailed to me. I've got nothing to hide so I thought I'd make the whole thing pubic:
*******************
1-Where is your permanent home? The planet Earth.

2-Where is your family? I don't know.

3-Where are your personal belongings and those of your family, etc.? I don't know where they are. (I think this question must apply to someone else since I don't own anything. As for my family, see question 2 above.)

4-Where are your current social, political, cultural, and religious organizations? I don't know. I wouldn't even know where to look since I'm not associated with any non-profit clubs or organizations. I'll tell you this--I've looked all over the house and they're not here. It took me half a day before I finally realized I don't even know what they look like, assholes.

5-Where do you conduct your routine personal banking activities? Anywhere I please, worldwide. Anyway, why should it be any of your goddamn business?

6-Where do you conduct business activities other than those that constitute your tax home? I'm not in business and I don't have a home. Occasionally I sleep in a big cardboard box since you guys seized my permanent home and my car. (see answer to question 1 & 3 above then add results to the answer to question 11 below to compute my tax)
Tax home?...That concept is foreign to me. Why do you keep asking the same questions? Jeez, I'm confused.

7-Where do you hold a driver's license? In my wallet.

8-Where do you vote? Wherever I buy a product or service. $1, franc, pound, etc equals one vote. That's the only kind of voting I understand even though some people not receiving these votes want them without my freely-given consent. There are others who want another aggravation--OOPS, I mean "organization"--to distribute these votes to themselves or someone else, again without my consent. Because of my attitude toward all this, I'm now considered a Stranger in a Strange Land by most lawyers, among others. I sure feel strange, I'll tell ya that. D'ya suppose I'm the result of an impregnation by an alien from another planet? I know quite a few people who might think so. Oh well, ya gotta do the best with what ya got, right? Sorry to take up so much space answering a simple question but I know you IRS guys are sticklers for detail.

9-Which country of residence have you designated on forms and documents? None. If you'd like to send me some of these forms and documents I'd be happy to put them next to my crapper where they'll be put to good use.

10-What have you stated on official forms and documents filed with the IRS? Well...my annual income of $120,000,000, my temporary address, foreign bank accounts, 30 dependents, and last year's payment of 36% of that income to you. All lies, except for the last report: I wrote "Deceased" across my 1040 Form and sent it back. An old gold prospector showed me how to spell it. I didn't realize it was so easy. (I fill out and send in 1040 Forms with different names on them all the time. You see, I don't think you wankers have enough to do and I'd rather have you harass non-existent people. These people won't mind, I'm sure.)


Name: (Last name first) Upurz, Shuvit
Permanent address: See question 1 above, dumbshits.
Nationality: Stranger in a Strange Land
Phone: Unlisted
Wife's name: Honey
Her maiden name: Phuque
My nickname: Phuque (my wife gave me her maiden name. It was easy for her) Some of my favorite people, in order of preference: Me, my wife, Dirty Bob--the gold prospector, W.G. Hill, L. Neil Smith, Benny Hill, W. C. Fields, the Campbell's Soup family(whenever I see Campbell's soup, I buy it. I'm going to have to move soon. My house is full of it), and all those little and big people out there who have also taken my wife's maiden name and know how to have a good time.
****************
[Dear reader: This epistle is declared in the pubic domain. Feel free to change it or publish as is. All I ask in return is that you fill out and send in as many phony tax forms as possible. Feel free to use my name or my wife's maiden name as freely as possible. That is enough payment for us. I hope you've had as much fun reading this as I did writing it. --Shuvit Upurz]

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