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Subject: ? Help me figure this out. Author: Odysseus [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 22:42:00 05/29/02 Wed Love. It’s amazing how one word, four simple letters, can be so ambiguous. I loved my car. I love autumn weather. I love thick, dark, fragrant on a woman. I love having long hair. I love my favorite pair of pants. I love being alone. I love meeting strangers. I love making love, sometimes. I love being loved, sometimes. I love fixing things. I love knowing the right answer. I love driving. I love listening to music. I love playing the guitar and singing. I love climbing trees. I love eating Asian food. I love being immersed in another culture with only my wits to survive. I love arguing. I love learning something new that helps me understand my life and my world better. I love things. Doing things, knowing things, learning things, being things, seeing things, feeling things. Did I mention loving any people? No. Do I love people? Yes. I think. What I don’t understand, and what makes love so ambiguous to me, is that I have such anger, frustration, sometimes naked hatred of the people that I’m supposed to love. So when my dad pokes me in the side like he has done for the past fifteen years, or when my mom tries to have a conversation with me when she’s drunk, I feel this overwhelming hatred. It can’t be healthy. Because if that’s what love is for me, I don’t want anything to do with it. It makes me too miserable to repeat with any other human being. Maybe this is why I don’t, won’t, can’t, haven’t been in a healthy, loving relationship. I’ve met some wonderful women, beautiful women, women that are willing to give me everything. I ask for nothing. I take nothing. I give nothing. I have nothing. I am only the things I love, because these are the only things that I find comfort in. I fear myself, I fear my life, I fear hating the people I’m supposed to love. I am my own best friend and my own worst enemy. I won’t even let me love myself. Is that love? [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]