| Subject: "coming out" ...co nen noi' voi cha me minh` la` GAY ? |
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Date Posted: Fri, Oct 18 2002, 14:10:16
duoi dday toi chep' lai loi` noi' cua Betty DeGeneres, nguoi` hay tra~ loi` cau hoi? cua nhung nguoi GAY tren planetout.com
Dear Everybody,
Well, here I am -- after three years --- still spokesperson for the Human Rights Campaign's National Coming Out Day. It's been a real privilege speaking all around the country about the importance of coming out. I've never spoken to anyone who regrets taking this healthy step -- they only regret not doing it earlier. What a waste of precious time living a life of pretense. The more people who are willing to come out and say, "Yes, I'm gay," the less homosexuality will be this abstract thing. So when it's right for you, come out, stand up, be proud.
Love,
betty
Here are some of our favorite Ask Betty questions on the subject of coming out.
QDear Betty,
Hi. My name's John. I'm 17, gay, and I live in southeastern Oklahoma. My friends all know I'm gay and support me, and that's great. But it's my parents I need help with.
I told them about a year ago. At first they went into complete denial. Then they got really scared people would find out and tried to get me to move to another state. In the latest phase of their dealing with my being gay, they've forbidden me to tell anyone else. They wanted me to tell my friends I had lied and had just been confused.
Now they say they still love me, just not that part of me. They are deathly afraid someone will find out and shun them. They say they're worried about me, but I know what they are really worried about is themselves. So what do I do? I want to come out, but they say I'll have betrayed them if I do. Is being who I am more important than "ruining" their lives? Help, please.
John
ADear John,
Oh, how I hate reading your letter. Your parents should be ashamed of their lack of support and understanding.
Let's face it, John, you don't live in the friendliest part of the country in which to be gay. I guess your parents can't help being brainwashed and ignorant on the subject. Let's just hope that out of love for you they'll have a change of heart and educate themselves about homosexuality. If you've read my column for a while, you know I'm always recommending PFLAG. If you log onto PFLAG.org and then click on "Resources," you'll see several booklets you can access online that may be helpful.
You don't say if religious beliefs are part of the problem with acceptance here. If so, you might want to get the book Prayers for Bobby. This is about a mother who couldn't accept that her son was gay and constantly prayed for him to change. He committed suicide and, in retrospect, she realized what a good person he was. She has since become an activist for equal rights for gay people.
As far as coming out to others, if your friends all know and your parents know, I don't see that it's necessary to make announcements to everyone in town. I know how rumors spread in small towns. Probably, they already know.
Best of luck to you, John.
Love,
betty
QDear Betty,
My name is Brad and I am homosexual. About a year ago my parents found out I was gay. They both took it really bad at first. They are both from the South and my dad is in the military. You know those are not very good combinations when it comes to homosexuality. Naturally I gave my parents the time they needed, and my mom eventually came around. Now, thank God, she fully supports me and I can tell her everything about me being gay. She likes to hear about my life.
My dad, on the other hand, is not taking it very well. I know he is my dad, but I have so much anger toward him. He uses the word "fag" when talking about gay people. I know he loves me, but I just hate him for the things he says. He made it so hard for me to come out. Whenever I talk about being gay he just shuts me down, and when stuff about homosexuals comes on TV he never says anything, he just huffs and puffs.
We were watching Will and Grace a while back and they were saying something about being gay and my dad made some kind of asinine comment. I feel if I don't say something soon I'm gonna explode. Should I just come out and tell him he is gonna have to accept all of me or none of me? Should I tell him I don't want to hear any more of his stupid remarks? Maybe I should talk to my mom about it, but I don't know how she feels toward my dad about all of it. I don't really feel like giving him any more time. I feel like a year is enough! I just can't take it any more. I know this letter may seem jumbled. It probably makes no sense at all.
Please help me.
Brad
ADear Brad,
Unfortunately, your story is all too typical. Moms can take it but dads can't. I think you've been very patient and it would be appropriate for you to talk to your mom first and tell her how hurtful your father's remarks are to you. Encourage her to join PFLAG and go to meetings if there's a local chapter. She would get so much help and moral support. Who knows -- maybe your dad would eventually join her. Also, Straight Parents/Gay Children, by Robert A. Bernstein, would be a great book for your dad to read. Good luck.
Love,
betty
From PlanetOut.com
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