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Date Posted: 13:11
Author: Brian D
Subject: "Some final words"
In reply to: Brian D 's message, "The timeless wisdom of India ..." on 12:51

"Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do"

Softness and Power

"Softness is the way we are when we are connected and unafraid, which is the most powerful way to be. Pseudo power, the power to dominate and control others, is based on fear, and is often how the abandoned Child attempts to
control others and avoid being controlled.

It is manipulative and never creates joy or self esteem.

True power, which is the power to nurture and give, rather than dominate and take, is soft.

Marcia, a client of ours who is in her early fifities and in a second marriage, wrote the following about the power of softness."

"In my pyschology class this week we were asked to pair off into couples and do an exercise. The men were asked to make a fist and resist opening it. The women were instructed to get the fist open in whatever way they could.

As I turned and faced the young man next to me whom I had known only through casual interaction in class, I knew intuitively what I needed to do. I looked deeply but softly into his eyes and then rolled up his shirt sleeve.

I gently stroked his arm up and down, as I often did with my children when they were tense. Then I proceded to stroke his fingers and open one finger at a time, all the while looking softly into his eyes.

His fist opened without any resistance. The young man smiled and seemed momentarily transformed. He didn't know exactly what had happened, but said he felt great.

I too felt great, not like I had won because I succeeded in opening his fist, but because I felt warm and closer to him.His fist had been opened by the power of softness.

The teacher was very surprised to hear our experience because, as he expected, most of the women had attemtpted with clenched teeth to pry their partner's fist open, meeting with great resistance and occasional failure.

I have spent nearly ten years in my marriage trying to pry my husband open with force. It never worked.

Hardness and force have been met only with resistance, anger, and alienation. Just as anger was about to shut us down forever, I was able with the help of therapy to get in touch with that soft place inside that wants love.

I have to pay attention and stay conscious all the time of when I'm connected and giving and when I'm disconnected and forcing.

I find it all to easy to shift from giving to being judgemental and demanding, from being soft and open to being hard and closed.

In the past I have been very judgmental about my husband, especially about his missing work. I was suspicious when he said he was sick, and I was angry when he was depressed.

This week he had minor surgery and missed some work.

Staying in touch with my softness, I was able to accept his abscence from work without making judgments and without worrying about money, his reputation at work, or about his reasons for staying home.

He didn't seemed concerned, so I chose not to be, and the tension this situation has always caused did not arise.

I was free to remain in touch with my postive feelings and to feel loving towards him.

Genuine softeness is powerful because it expects nothing in return. It is self empowering, so I am not at those moments tied to concerns about what I'm going to get in return, which limits giving and makes it conditional.

And, amazingly enough, this kind of giving usually has a very positve impact. Because it is so free, it creates a loving circle, a flow of loving feelings between us.

On a number of occasions this week I said or did small things, like noticing the way he looked, touching him more, asking about his health, and genrally expressing myself in a more loving way.

He seemed to be softer and more open.

On other occasions he responded with a touch of his old anger, apprehension, or suspicion.

Knowing that I had intended to be soft and unjudgmental, knowing that he was acting defensively because of the history between us, I was able to remain soft, and I felt great.

Within a few moments he had apologized and acknowledged that his reactions had been protective.

Of course, I too have become very conscious of my reactions and am able to quickly explore them with him.

This is a breakthrough for us, although there is much more work and healing to be done.

But once you discover how it feels to be soft, once you see the powerful effect it can have on your realtionship with yourself and others, you dont mind doing whatever it takes to be that way all the time."

The above is an excerpt from "Healing your Aloneness" p.56-57

More from thee above author
"Do I have to give up me to be loved by God?"

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