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Date Posted: 04:28:26 01/20/03 Mon
Author: killswitch engage
Subject: horribly expansive, but it needs saying

Ok, I just got an email from Phil. He's away for a few days, and if this situation isn't calmed down when he gets back he's going to shut down the board. Him saying that led me to quite a stark realisation. This whole thing really does need dealing with, and as quickly as possible.

Right. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Everything I say and do on this here board is to provoke a reaction and get attention. Why? Just because. That's how I am. But I do sometimes apologise when I think I'm wrong, although sometimes I don't, basically to encourage the argument and retain some sense of pride. I don't like being wrong. Who does? But this is different.

With this argument I hold my hands up and invite you all to nail me to a cross. It's my bad, I know that. I don't expect this post to amend the situation, but one can but try. Let's face it, it does need to be amended. I was pissed off when Frazer posted that 'Fanboy' comment and I over-reacted. It bothers me that insults towards me seem to go unnoticed but the ones I give out create mass hysteria. Maybe I should be more mature about that, but I can't help it. It's an immature, argumentative impulse and I don't try and control it when I really should.

Frazer, I was out of line. Kristen, kick the fuck out of me if that's what it takes, but I do know that what I said was very, very wrong. Read nothing into it, everybody here has to at least admit that what I say usually holds no weight at all. Hell, I say this myself over and over. Profusely apologising may not help, but it's all I can really think to do, so I'm very, truly sorry.

The thing is, this long-term problem isn't going to be solved easily, because there are more issues than one-way bitchiness. I take a lot of shit, too, and now people are nagging at Carlos for giving his opinions, also. Every time we come onto this message board, and this is true, we're looking for the next little place to stick the knife in. I went about fifty steps too far, yes, that's acknowledged.

Phil told me this: "You'd almost certainly get along with everyone you've pissed off if you actually met them
and got past the residual feelings resulting from the flames."
I'd never even considered meeting - let alone getting on with - any of you. It wasn't something I particularly cared about, ever. But I do want to meet you all, as I expressed in another post. I'll take whatever lectures you want to give me, and I'm sure there are a few, hell, I'll even listen. But there's no point in meeting if no one is going to pay attention to what I've said here. I take it too far, I always do, and I piss people off. If this was a few months ago, I wouldn't have cared about any of this, but for various personal reasons stemming from before Christmas (non board related), now I do, and I truly believe I might be able to have friendships with you away from this darn board...And with me sorting out the niggling immaturities I hide just beneath the surface, of course.

I'm my favourite person in the world. And I counted five other people who I'm also sure would describe me as their favourite person in the world (hoping that my parents are bias, of course). I think that you could all actually like me (or quite like me) a lot too. Look, let's discuss this because I want to meet and hopefully forge a real-life (i.e. non coputer generated) relationship that doesn't house bitterness, side-swiping and bitching.

If that's no longer possible, then fair enough. But I had to try. The other option would be for me to leave this board entirely, and that's the one that you'll all no doubt immediatly prefer, but think about it. I've apologised for things before and then committed the act again. But surely, my request to meet you all and dispell with these twatty computer-based relationships vouches for my sincerity here. I'm sick of it all, the posting and the re-posting and the consistent repition of points and the posts entitled either 'blah' or 'yawn' and fucking everything. I want to move on, off the board and into the much more interesting realm of reality. I want to meet you people, but if we can't sort this out properly now then there's no point, because whatever we try and do will be underpinned by that little bit of residual hate or bitterness.

Let me know.

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