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Date Posted: 21:22:17 11/24/01 Sat
Author: PJ
Author Host/IP: 216.37.205.78
Subject: New profile!

I am the last of many children and no I was not spoiled or I wouldn't be here. My parents divorced when I was
in about 5th grade. Most of the others were already grown and gone at this time except for four of us. There
was alot of abuse I hear from the others but I can't seem to recall any and still have a damn good memory.
Maybe I am blocking it out I have no idea.
To make it short all the others kids either were gone or went to stay with friends or relatives. I stayed with
dad because my mother was going through her own depression at the time. There were quite a few harsh
words by my father directed at everyone of us. He did love us but I think he had his own mental problems that
he wouldn't admit. I bounced around between parents until 7th or 8th grade then I stayed totally with dad and
did normal visitation with mom. Dad's drinking grew more and more and he only talked bad about mom not
us. I really thought he would die if I left him because he couldn't handle the lonliness.
In 9th grade we moved and I was forced to change schools and did not know a soul. I was always poor and
we lived in a substandard house that most people wouldn't let there kids stay at. My grades were average so
I didn't fit in with acedemic students and never involved in sports so rule out the jocks. This left me only two
choices be a loner or hang with the drug crowd. There isn't one person who could say they would be a loner
at this point in there life. Bad choice I'll admit now. Dad often had total blackouts were you almost couldn't
tell if he was alive(8th grade on). He always told me I could never call 911 because we didn't have insurance
so I respected his wishes. He always said if he died put him head first in the septic tank, thank God I never
had to make that choose.
Dad worked from 7a.m. to 4p.m. and hit the bars every night until about 11p.m. Sometimes I went with him sometimes not. I knew he would never be back before 10 p.m. so I could pretty much do as I pleased and
ran wild. Never any trouble with the law but more and more trouble in school. This continued until almost the
end of 11th grade when they finally caught on that I was drinking pretty good for my age. I then moved back
to my original school and had about the same choices as 9th grade. I made the same choice again because
that's what I knew and had good connections. The substance use continued until I was in my 30's. I say that
the weed was my shield from all my problems, pretty dumb again.
When I quit using all these depression symptoms started to show up. Had some work issues and home issues and the snowball started down the mountain. Started to not eat, sleep, move, or even exist. Saw some Drs
and started taking the legal drugs to help me cope with reality and here we are today.
My only question is that after reading about this illness and learning all the signs why didn't someone in
the two schools I sometimes attended notice any of these it seems pretty much a text book case.
I hold no grudges against my parents or anyone but someone should have seen this coming and stopped it
before the snowball got started. I am very fortunate to have insurance to cover the expenses and my job is
secured until I can return. I must thank my wife for being so tolerant of all this she really is an angel to me.
PJ

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